Category: recovery

Day 26 – lifting

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Writing into Life

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When I wake, my thoughts again go round to different people in my life.

Then a message from a friend invites me round for a curry at her house later.  It’s a welcome invitation which I gladly accept. I’ve started being able to say ‘yes’ to things again.  While I still want and need lots of time to do little or nothing, it will be good to spend a few hours with my friend.

Lydia, I think, is missing the warm weather as it’s raining again today.  We had our morning walk without getting too wet and I’ve now turned the heating on in the house. 

Trev has the ‘Nest’ app on his phone so I adjusted the thermostat controls manually. He would have done it remotely if I’d asked but he may well be in the middle of a museum visit, or driving. There’s an app for pretty much everything these days but it’s good to not be totally dependent on them either.

Having finished the last episode of the latest series of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’ last night, I decide to start watching the latest series of MAFS: New Zealand.  I haven’t done this much binge-watching since Covid but it’s good at the moment just to switch off and watch.

Later …

Before setting off to visit my friend, I meditate for about 20 minutes.  After curry combined with kind conversation, I feel a small but still perceptible change in mood; something shifting and lifting. The lift, like the invitation, is very welcome.

Day 25 – weekends

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Writing into Life

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Lydia had a good run around the dog field this morning, chasing trucks and tractors that passed by on the other side of the fence. 

It could be argued that I shouldn’t encourage her to use her ‘hunt’ capacity as it goes against the training that I do with her on other days, but on balance I’ve decided that the benefits of cardiovascular exercise she gets outweigh the drawbacks.  She just needs to run free sometimes and do what she wants to do, within the safe confines of the dog field.

While she’s doing her thing I do mine, with exercises for my knees and repeats of the Qigong[1] ‘healing form’.

‘Back at the ranch’ I rest for a while, then locate my trusty carpet cleaner to go over the central area of the lounge. I did the whole room a while back but it just needs a freshen up in the middle which gets most of the traffic from paws and feet.  I also give the stair carpet a clean and that’s my ‘domestic duties’ done for the day.  

Back to binge-watching some more episodes of MAFSAU, not feeling under any pressure to do much else. Resting up and prioritising the way I have been is beginning to influence my burnt-out brain in positive ways, so I’m continuing with slow and steady.

It’ll be a takeaway pizza and a bottle of red wine for me tonight.  Red wine was always a favourite of mine on a Friday night when I was working and it still is.  Just because you’re retired doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate the end of the ‘working week’.  On most days during the week I do something constructive one way or another, and I’m looking forward to a relaxing weekend.

I have absolutely nothing planned and don’t feel I need to have either.

[1] Chinese exercise for health and wellbeing

Day 24 – Solutions

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Writing into Life

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Waking this morning with a feeling of anxiety, my thoughts turn to the teaching and discussions at last night’s Buddhist meeting.

After I mentioned that the teachings and practices have been helping to lift me out of depression, another member of the group mentioned that she experiences anxiety rather than depression. The two often go together. In my case, I didn’t start to get any real sense of anxiety until after the depression started to lift. It hit me like a brick at the time: a traumatising blast of raw fear. Since then, I have been working on the fear and that too is usually in abeyance these days.  This morning the anxiety is more in my body than my mind and I turn my thoughts to other things, other people: friends and people I know; close and not so close.

After showering, I do a quick clean of the bathroom; just enough to tide it over while I’m still in rest and recharge mode. A bit at a time stops it from building up and then seeming like it’s too much to tackle.

I’m doing the same with my emotional and psychological journey: a bit at a time now, after feeling so overwhelmed in the now distant past that I didn’t know where to start. Except that I did start – somewhere – and I kept going, am keeping going.

It’s pottery for me this afternoon.  Trev is going to visit Lyme Regis, via a scenic route. Lydia is outside barking. She’ll be on her own for a few hours while I’m out so she may as well get a bit of fresh air and let off a bit of steam before I go.

I’ll probably have beans on toast for tea. I like beans on toast. I may well also go for a large gin and tonic. I like gin and tonic too. Alcohol, of course, isn’t the answer, but it is a solution and one that can be very enjoyable if not over-indulged.  I recognise that it is only a temporary source of ‘happiness’ but it is a pleasure I can partake in for now, and tonight I probably will.

Day 22 – accepting

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Writing into Life

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After a morning walk with Lydia and an afternoon visit to see a friend, I settle down to a relaxing evening.

Nothing much to do; nothing to prove.

I don’t know what the future holds, and have a lot of fear associated with this, but I can’t do any more, for now.

All I can do is what I’ve been doing, take each day at a time and be as positive as I can be within it; also accept that some days are better than others and sometimes it’s good just to do very little.

This morning, I said some prayers for meditation that are provided in the book, Universal Compassion, by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso Rinpoche. I’m familiar with these prayers as I’ve recited them several times at different ceremonies I’ve taken part in at Buddhist Centres over a number of years. It felt good, to refamiliarize myself with the words, that are so soothing and somehow reassuring. I don’t even feel I need to fully understand them, just say them, meditate and take it on faith that they will help me through; they are helping me through.

Day 21 – progress

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Writing into Life

The woodland walk this morning was wild and windy for Lydia and me. Winter seems to have suddenly arrived and missed out Autumn. Hopefully it will revert back again, at least for a while.

It was good to have yoga and Qigong to go to this afternoon.

I’m also keeping up with my meditation practice, on a morning before taking Lydia out for her walk. I still have dips into negative thought patterns, but am learning to recognise them for what they are.

Body work, breath work, mind work. I do feel I’m continuing to make progress with my mental health, sticking with the things that work for me and repeating them in cycles that also work for me.

Day 20 – learning

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Writing into Life

Lydia and I seem to have had a bit of a breakthrough in terms of how we manage encounters with dogs and moving vehicles while out walking.

While I’ve been using positive reinforcement with her for over three and a half years, I’ve most recently been practising this with a “sit” and “wait” command combination. I’ve also been asking her to “sit” and “wait” before we go out of the back door and again before we go out of the back gate. She’s been getting really used to this and will now often do an impromptu sit before we go through the door.

Using the same “sit” and “wait” combination is now starting to work with her when we see a dog – from a distance – and also when we’re on a road and have cars passing by.  I hold her on a short lead, reward her immediately for the “sit” and reward the “wait” providing she doesn’t bark or lunge.  I also add a lot of reassurance and extra treats and praise afterwards, as I know her fears are still triggered by these experiences, but it does feel like a big step forward. We’re both doing our best to learn and I hope that we can continue to build on this.

I’ve had to do a lot of learning in my life, including a lot of hard life lessons. Learning can be a good way of avoiding being taught (self-management rule no. 35).

It was also good to see a field of still-flowering sunflowers when we were out today. It may be September, but there are still signs of summer.

Day 19 – Going on

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Writing into Life

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After yesterday’s full-on day at the races, I was up at 7.45 this morning to take Lydia for a walk and then go on to a poetry group meeting.

This may not seem anything to write about, except that for me it is.  Just a few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the day at the races, with all it entailed, and it was a struggle to make myself go to a poetry group meeting once a month.

I know full well that I wasn’t the ‘life and soul of the party’ yesterday, but I held up pretty well, and today I was able to take an active part in the meeting, albeit in a low-key way.

There were ten of us there and, those of us who chose to, read out poems that we had written.

One of the poems presented by the organiser, another Maggie, was about poetry with the heading of ‘Trifle’.  It was a very clever and interesting poem, drawing on her own experiences.

I read out three of my poems:

Ambitions

Gleeful
Wild
Outrageous
Contagious

Cheerful
Fearful
Respectful
Disrespectful
Full

Mad
Sad
Glad

Cook
Read a Book
Make Tea

Dance
Romance
Work
Shirk

Naughty
Nosy
Silly
Me.

I first wrote that poem in 2000 and revised it in 2020.  The ambitions still apply, and I’m still working on achieving them.

Now

Now
at the Pinnacle
14-and-a-half per cent
proof point of my existence
I’ve reached the Nottage Hill
sub-station of my life
I haven’t got a Sauvignon Blanc’s clue
about what to do next
other than to ‘méthode-champenoise’
my way through and hope
that if the cork crumbles
the bottle won’t be blue
and the sieve will be fine
so that
just for now
I can at least
drink the wine

I can’t remember when I wrote that poem but it still applies, now.

The Beat Goes On

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The beat goes on
The beat goes on

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The lights are dim
The lights are dim

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The night is young
The night is young

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
My body moves
My body moves

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
My arm aches
My arm aches

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The air bed’s inflated
I’ve had enough.

That’s another one that was written over a quarter of a century ago, based on an experience of being marooned on a remote Scottish island, waiting for the weather to settle so that the ferry could come and pick us up. It was a wild night, and we had a bit of fun while we were waiting.

The theme for the meeting this morning was ‘something funny’ so I think I contributed some pieces that were at least mildly amusing.

We’re a mixed group and one person read out her first ever poem at the meeting today. 

It’s good to be part of this group.  And the beat goes on. 

Day 17 – Yesterday

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Writing into Life

Today I woke feel rested at a very deep level; I could feel another shift, slowly but surely in a positive direction.  It doesn’t matter how slow; a small shift is a shift nonetheless.

Yesterday, after a short meditation combined with a cup of tea, I had a lovely walk with Lydia, a long lunch with a friend, did a bit – just a bit – of domestic activity in the afternoon, went to the Buddhist class in the evening and then, back at home, watched a couple of episodes of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’.  I also enjoyed, while watching the telly, a glass of red wine and some of the delicious houmous that Trev had made earlier.  A bag of cheese puffs rounded off the day nicely.

The themes of MAFSAU and the Buddhist class were the same: happiness.  It’s what we all seek, and we look for it in different ways in different places.

The Buddhist teachings tell me that happiness naturally arises from a calm and peaceful mind.  I now take this on faith and continue to do my best to put the teachings – including the meditation techniques – into practice.  This doesn’t mean that I have to deny myself all worldly pleasures, just recognise that they have their limits and are not a lasting source of happiness. This is what I now believe.

Though a slow process, my ongoing programme of wellbeing activities does seem to be working.

Although I could readily have gone back to bed this morning, after a walk with Lydia through the woods, I felt energised enough to start writing this blog, to check in with Trev, to confirm that I’d make a cottage pie later for tea, and to take my time to let the rest of the day unfold.  I’m booked in to a yoga class later. Tomorrow I’m going to the races but I don’t need to rush to do anything much more today.

I used to feel that I was falling short by not being able to build up and maintain a momentum.  I now recognise that if slow is the momentum that works for me, then slow is the momentum I’ll work with.

Day 16 – Praying

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Writing into Life

After each meditation at the Buddhist class that I go to in Pontefract, or the Centre that I go to in Pocklington, we are invited to listen to or participate in the chanting of ‘The Liberating Prayer’[1].

I choose to chant and I love the words of this prayer.  I also often say it to myself at other times, when I wake, for example, or when I feel a sense of anxiety surging. Saying the prayer, combined with practicing some breathing meditation, takes me into a better place mentally.

 

 

 

[1] Composed by Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso Rinpoche and recited at Kadampa Buddhist Centres throughout the world.