Category: recovery

I’m Glad

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

First published 21 March 2020

It’s not my real name, but ‘Glad’ is better than sad, and I’ve worked hard in my life to be Glad, not sad.

I’ve recently started decorating my house – our house. This may not seem like an amazing revelation or achievement, but it is for me. I’m 64 years old and have had a long struggle to be able to enjoy doing the everyday things that I can focus on now.

It’s taken about fifty years of unlearning and then re-learning how to be me. Poetry hasn’t been the only vehicle I’ve used for recovery and discovery, but it has been a regular companion along the way.

As a teenager – like many teenagers since and still – I developed a very negative self-image of myself, inside and out.

Out

Out, out into the world
That’s where I wanted to go
What I wanted to do
When I was young
But when I looked in the mirror
All I could see
Was an ugly, unattractive body
Looking back at me

I went on a diet from the age of about 15 that lasted for the next 30 years or so, and affected every aspect of my life (or more accurately non-life that it had become). I didn’t think I had anything to offer as a person, didn’t know how to form relationships, and put all my energy into losing weight. At least if I was thin, that would be something. Except it led to nothing, because it wasn’t solid ground on which to build a life. It was the best I could do at the time, but I did eventually realise, after I’d had a major breakdown in my late thirties, and was trying to get myself going again in my forties, that I needed to eat, to give me energy, to be able to live. I had to finally, eventually, push through that awful sense of self-loathing that I associated with putting on weight in order to emerge as a (literally as well as generally) well-rounded person with an appetite for life.

I still have to work at it, still take anti-depressants, can’t use shop changing rooms or look at myself naked in a mirror, but on the whole this does not affect my ability to enjoy my life – with my partner – and try to make the most of every day.

I can still very easily cut myself off, go into ‘zombie’ mode, more readily associate with entropy than energy, so decorating my house – however long it takes – and writing this blog – wherever it takes me – are positive signs of engagement; action rather than inaction.

I hope my poems and other musings may resonate with anyone who has struggled to find their own identity and path through life. I know now that there are endless possibilities and I hope that the following poem (in six parts) helps to show how important it is for each of us to find our fighting spirit:

Jacket 1
It’s there, on the chair
The red fleece jacket
With hood and drawstring waist
That I don’t want to wear
Don’t want to keep

It’s warm and soft when I put it on
But far too big for me
Drowned in a red sea
Shapeless, I feel
A baggy, saggy, faceless entity

I look at the jacket
On the chair
In limp, loose folds of red, and seams
This isn’t the jacket of my dreams

It’s theirs to wear
Not mine to keep
Their tears to cry
Not mine to weep

It’s there, on the chair
The red fleece jacket
With hood and drawstring waist
That I don’t want to wear
Don’t want to keep
So I’ve put a price on its head
To let it go free
To someone who wants it
But when will that be?

Jacket 2
It’s there, on the chair
The red fleece jacket
With hood and drawstring waist
That I don’t want to wear
Don’t want to keep

It’s warm and soft when I put it on
But far too big for me
Drowned in a red sea
Shapeless, I feel
A baggy, saggy, faceless entity

I look at the jacket
On the chair
In limp, loose folds of red, and seams
This isn’t the jacket of my dreams

It’s not my layer
These aren’t my lies
With drawstring waist
And nylon ties

It’s not my jacket
They’re not my dreams
These aren’t my ties
They’re not my seams

So I leave the jacket
On the chair
To go my way
While they go theirs

Jacket 3
Now it hangs upon the door
That red fleece jacket
That I didn’t want to wear
Didn’t want to keep

It’s warm and soft when I put it on
And not too big for me
Warmed in a red sea
Shapeless no more
No baggy, saggy faceless entity

I look at the jacket
On the door
In limp, loose folds of red, and seams
It’s not the jacket of my dreams
But just a layer to keep me warm
From frozen looks
And glares of scorn

It is my jacket
With hood and waist
To wear a while
From place to place

Jacket 4
What next?

Jacket 5
Jacket in?

Jacket 6
No!

Gladabout.life blog posts from March 2020 to September 2024 are now available as an e-book on Amazon for Kindle:

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random: Glad About Life

https://amzn.eu/d/av9oEZU

Day 28

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

As this 28-day cycle of journaling/blogging comes to a close, I reflect on how far I’ve come in being able to make the most of every day as I do, after the journey of mental health breakdown and recovery that I’ve had, for most of my so far 69 years.

I’m now going to have a short break from writing while I put together a two-volume book of the story of Lydia and me so far. While I’m doing this, I will re-post a blog from the past every day.

A full collection of my earlier blogs, from March 2020 to September 2024, is now available on Amazon for Kindle:

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random: Glad About Life https://amzn.eu/d/gAIIf8A

‘Rules’ came originally from a set of ‘self-management rules’ that I devised, largely to reflect on some of the very negative experiences I’d had of being managed by others. I later developed these Rules into ‘Poetry Rules’, relating them to poems that I wrote or had previously written.

‘Rhymes’ are my poems, even though not all my poems rhyme.  I just like writing them, expressing myself through words in whatever way I choose.

‘Recovery’ pieces reflect on different approaches and factors that influence mental health and wellbeing, including barriers to recovery.

‘Recipe’ is largely focused on one dish, but it’s an important one: Leftovers Soup.

‘Random’ – well, anything that didn’t quite fit in to the other categories but wanted to include anyway.

Step by step, day by day, the story of Lydia and me continues, and I’ll continue to record it at https://gladabout.life/.

Bon voyage!

Day 27

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

I had lunch at the World Peace Café today.

It may not be the only Peace Café in the World, but it is the only one that I know, in this part of the World. And it’s a good one.

The lunch followed a morning of Buddhist meditations and teachings, on how to overcome anger and frustration.

I’ve done a lot of work on my ‘anger issues’ over the last 3 decades but found recently that I needed to do more.

The principle presented in today’s teachings is to practise patient acceptance, with a loving heart.

There are some aspects of my life where I find this easy and joyful, such as the work I’m doing with Lydia.  It does require patience, to keep repeating the same training routines and reassurances, and to keep looking for further ways to provide reassurance and help her overcome her fears.

On the other hand, having let go of most of my own anxieties now about being able to keep going on a sustained basis, I no longer feel under any self-induced pressure to achieve ‘outcomes’. We just do what we do, day by day. I love my time with Lydia, and I think Lydia enjoys her time with me too.

I got another ‘wake up’ call from her at 1.30’ish this morning.

This time she did want to go outside, which I presumed was for a toilet need.

Usually, she’ll come back in quite quickly and we settle ourselves down for some more “sleepy time” but this morning I waited a while and then went out to see where she was.

It was a warm and beautiful starry night.

I’m not great on constellations but I did recognise a clear ‘plough’ and a star that shone very brightly, which I thought may have been the North Star.

Thanks to Lydia, I had those few special moments looking up at the stars.

Sitting outside now, as I write, in the sunshine, after a mellow morning followed by a leisurely lunch, I do feel a sense of personal peace that I thought for a long time I would never be able to feel. Yesterday was grief and anger; today is peace.

I’ll still have to keep working at it: meditating; learning; relaxing; growing; writing; loving.

I’m lucky to have a lot of good things in my life and to be able to have days like I’m having today. I do wish that for others too.

My book, Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – is now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU and for Kindle https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

I don’t claim to be a dog trainer or a mind trainer – I’m just a woman with a dog who writes a blog, and has written a book, about life, and about being glad.

Day 26

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Lydia woke me at about 1.30am, with a gentle nudge from her nose.

I thought she must need to go outside for a pee but as I started off downstairs, I realised she wasn’t following me. When I went back into the bedroom she was rolled over, ready for me to tickle her tummy; give her a “rub-a-dub-dub” massage that she’s growing to love. So I did.

Now, I realise I probably shouldn’t be encouraging disturbances to my sleep in this way, but then again she asked so nicely, and I do think we are approaching a breakthrough position with addressing her anxiety. So, I give her plenty of “rub-a-dub-dubs” before reintroducing her to the idea of “sleepy time”.

This afternoon, I had a good play session with my steam cleaner. It’s almost as good fun as a pressure washer and the bathroom is now clean.

After a shower – in my now clean bathroom – and an early change into pj’s, I sat outside for a while, reading.

I finished the autobiography that I’ve been reading for a couple of weeks. It ended with an account of an inquest into the death of a family member. The writer’s loss is immeasurable, as is the courage and humanity shown by him and his family. Re-engaging with life, through grief, isn’t easy, but they are doing it. Every day, they are doing it.

My book, Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – is now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU and for Kindle https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

I don’t claim to be a dog trainer or a mind trainer – I’m just a woman with a dog who writes a blog, and has written a book, about life, and about being glad.

Day 25

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Nasturtiums

I had a haircut today.

I don’t like a lot of fuss. I just have a wet trim, but it’s a good one.

The hairdresser is tired, almost to the point of tears. She needs a rest, a holiday.

Lydia is enjoying the return of sunshine in our back yard. She’s been an absolute delight to be with today. I’ve given her lots of “rub-a-dub” massages and she’s loving them.

I’ve booked in to a half-day retreat at the Buddhist Centre on Saturday – overcoming anger and frustration. I’ve also booked to go to the Hepworth Gallery in Wakefield on Sunday where they have a Ceramics Fair. So, a good weekend lined up and an easy day tomorrow.

Oh, sleep it is a gentle thing …

My book, Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – is now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU.

The Kindle version is currently for sale at £3.99 on a Kindle Countdown deal https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

Day 24

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Lydia enjoying a yak’s milk chew yesterday evening

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

“Oh, what a beautiful day!”

Yesterday I sat outside on a bench, with a friend. We were watching the world go by. Our part of the world, in our village.  It was quiet, with just a few passing cars, people and birds.

Then my friend suddenly burst into song: “Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day!”* And I joined in.

It was a moment I will treasure and will always remember every time I now walk past or sit on that bench.

My friend, in her eighties, suffering from dementia and grieving the loss of loved ones from her life, gave me a great gift. She transformed my day into a beautiful one, through her spontaneity and joy; the joy of her loving heart, however sad it may be.

This morning as I woke, I found messages on my phone from members of a WhatsApp group I belong to. It’s a group called ‘Sangha Meditation’.  ‘Sangha’ is a Buddhist term for ‘community’ and I really value the support and sense of community that centres around the Buddhist teachings that I go to. The messages were very simple – people just checking in to see who was planning to go the evening meeting – but it was good to be included in that very simple exchange. How wonderful!

This evening’s class will be the last in a series of four, on the theme of ‘Transforming Adversity’.

I’ve had a massive amount of support from friends and therapists over the last few years of my life, when I’ve been doing my best to deal as positively as possible with a very difficult and complex set of circumstances. I’ve also been taking on board the Buddhist teachings, as presented in these weekly classes, and occasionally at weekend and day retreats. 

The practice of meditation has been and continues to be a transformative process for me.  I still have a long way to go to achieve the calm and peaceful mind that I aim for.  However, thanks to friends – in the village and in the wider community – I do now have moments of spontaneously feeling happy. 

I think Lydia has moments when she spontaneously feels happy too. We’re getting there.

My book, Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – is now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU.

The Kindle version is currently for sale at £2.99 on a Kindle Countdown deal https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

I don’t claim to be a dog trainer or a mind trainer – I’m just a woman with a dog who writes a blog, and has written a book, about life, and about being glad.

*A song by Rodgers & Hammerstein

Day 23

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The newly ploughed field that we walked around this morning. It used to be covered with dandelions. I wonder what will grow there next…

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Wonderful weather!

I do love the sunshine and warm weather, but it’s also good to appreciate other weathers too.

This morning, walking Lydia, there was a warmish wind and a few spots of summer rain. I love summer rain, the way it brings out all the earthy scents from the ground.

We had a longer walk than we’ve been having when it’s been hot.

I continue to ask Lydia to “sit” and “wait” before she gets out of the car.  I think she doesn’t understand why she needs to do this – why would she? – but she’s starting to resist less. I rub her neck and ears and talk to her while we’re waiting, and think this helps. It’s all about rushing less and being more in the moment.

She has really taken to the “sit” and “wait” routine before we leave the house now, and I give her lots of praise as well as treats. When she makes a soft, gurgly noise from the back of her throat, I think I must be doing something right. She just sounds happy.

I did what I do to reassure her when we had cars passing by on two occasions.  She didn’t lunge or bark but they weren’t particularly close either.

A man with two dogs who I am familiar with walked by on the other side of a drainage dyke. I don’t think she saw the dogs because of the height of the grass growing on the banks either side, but she did see the man and started to lunge. I did what I do, and she settled. I gave her some “rub-a-dub-dub” massages and we did a few repeats of the “watch” routine before we continued on.   

Earlier, before we’d set off for our walk, she barked at a window cleaner working next door. I called out “here” and she did!  Progress. Step by step, day by day. Progress.

Progress for me too.  I am so enjoying writing this blog and engaging with interactions around the publishing of it.

I had a good sleep again last night.  It may have been aided by the cheeky little gin and tonic I had, sitting outside in the not-so-warm weather. I also read a little – an autobiography which has a very sad central theme with many aspects that are essentially and vibrantly life affirming around that. Good to be reading again, as well as writing.

Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU.

The Kindle version is currently for sale at £2.99 on a Kindle Countdown deal https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

Day 22

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The path beside the wood: a carpet of green with purple, yellow and cream

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

I slept!

After resting from late afternoon into the evening, I slept.

I decided to take two paracetamol tablets, eventually, to help set me off. I do this only very occasionally.  I’m wary of relying on medication to help with relaxing and sleeping.  They are addictive and eventually don’t work.

30 or so years ago, after I’d had a complete breakdown in all aspects of my life, I became addicted to prescription tranquilisers and sleeping tablets. Never again.

I detoxed by walking miles and miles in the hot Mediterranean sun, sweating it out. To do cold Turkey I went to hot Turkey.  It worked, and after that I started finding more constructive ways to manage my mental, physical and emotional health.

It hasn’t been and still isn’t easy but I push through on positives, most of the time.

Today I’ll have another woodland walk with Lydia; then go to a yoga class for an hour and a half this afternoon.  There is no Qigong today – we have a week’s break between blocks of three. I’ve already done some physio exercises for my knees, while waiting for the kettle to boil.

Yesterday’s wall of emotional exhaustion is no more.

As I enjoy spending a bit more time in bed, I listen to whatever sounds the world is bringing to me: the beep of a lorry reversing, the gentle rustle of leaves, a motorbike revving and cars passing by.  They’re nothing spectacular but they are the sounds that are here for me this morning, and I like them, just as they are.

Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU.

The Kindle version is currently for sale at £1.99 on a Kindle Countdown deal https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

Day 21

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Continuing the story of Lydia and me

Keeping things simple is key for me just now. I can’t cope with complicated nor do I want to.

What better way, then, than to enjoy the company of friends, as I have done this weekend.

Yesterday I visited a friend – a fellow Ceramic Artist – at the Dovecot Gallery, near Doncaster, where she was exhibiting. It was a summer show in a garden setting, full of colour and creativity.

Today a friend and I visited a friend of hers. We sat together for about four hours, talking. Just talking. It was lovely to have a three-way conversation, each of us bringing in thoughts and ideas from our lives and experience.

My Ceramic Artist friend is a year or two older than me, so in her early 70’s. She started out in her career with clay just a few years ago. Rarely have I come across anyone more passionate about what they do.

My friend’s friend is about 10 years younger than us. Unlike me, she doesn’t enjoy good physical health, but she doesn’t let that stop her expressing herself through her art. She is a talented Textile Artist as well as a dog lover and owner of four canine companions.

While I aim in this blog to be positive about pushing through into a position of mental health recovery that I’ve been working towards most of my life, at the moment I’m struggling to get my brain to function.

Despite enjoying the company of friends, despite the wonderful weather, despite the woodland walk I had with Lydia this morning, I’ve hit a wall.

At least though, now, I know it won’t last, that I just need to rest – which I will – and tomorrow will be another day.

Looking across at Lydia, as I write, she is looking back at me. I’ll give her some more “rub-a-dub-dub” massages later, to help soothe her vagus nerve and I’ll keep doing what I need to do to help soothe mine too.

Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU.

The Kindle version is currently for sale at £0.99 on a Kindle Countdown deal https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

Day 20

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

I’ve been looking back through some of my earlier blog posts, including one that I wrote in 2021:

Exercise and mental health: overcoming barriers

I referred to an article, Where Do You Store Stress in Your Body? Top 10 Secret Areas | Psychology Today by Sean Grover, who identifies the ‘Top 10 Tension Areas for Unwanted Feelings’ as:

1.Lower Back: Anger
2. Stomach & Intestines: Fear
3. Heart & Chest: Hurt
4. Headache: Loss of control
5. Neck/Shoulder Tension: Burdens
6. Fatigue: Resentments
7. Numbness: Trauma
8. Breathing Difficulties: Anxiety
9. Voice & Throat Problems: Oppression
10. Insomnia: Loss of self

I found that list helpful then, and I do now.

Historically I’ve had a long struggle with anger.  I’ve done a lot to address this, as I described in my blog from 2021, and continue to do so.

I’ve recently worked through sudden surges of fear and anxiety, as described in my book, Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk. (also available for Kindle, see below)

I don’t have any problems with my stomach and intestines, nor breathing difficulties. I used to suffer from fatigue but don’t anymore, generally sleep well, never get headaches and am altogether faring very – and thankfully – well for my 69 years.

I could just be lucky and, in many ways, I know that I am. I am very very fortunate to have the robust and healthy body that I have. But I have also done a lot to work through negative emotions, as well as finding ways that work for me to keep my body fit and healthy.

Having established a basic pattern – incorporating Qigong, yoga and walking – into my weekly routine, I’m sticking to it.

A step at a time, a day at time. It’s amazing how it builds up until you realise that you don’t have to make quite so much effort that you used to have to make, because a lot of the inner resistance has gone.

As I write, Lydia lies sleeping on the floor in front of me. She rests and sleeps a lot but she’s approximately 10 years old. She readily jumps in and out of the car with ease, rolls around in the dog park, runs about wearing her ‘happy legs’ as I call them. She’s booked in for a routine health check at the vets next week but I’m fairly confident she has no issues with her heart or digestive system (I make sure that good stuff goes in and monitor what comes out). She continues to have fear and anger issues on sight of her triggers: other dogs, some people, moving vehicles.

We’ll keep working on our residual tension areas, together.

It probably won’t be easy, but we’ll do it, step by step, day by day.

Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU.

The Kindle version is currently for sale at £0.99 on a Kindle Countdown deal https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk.

Happy Summer Solstice Everyone!