Lydia and I did a new circuit this morning, continuing on a route that we normally turn back on.
When we encountered another dog I was able to pull her into an area to one side, made up of hay bales. Although she did see the dog as it passed, and did some barking and lunging, she also managed to sit when I said “sit” which I did firmly. I promptly rewarded her for this and made it clear how well she’d done, which of course she had.
It was raining a bit but didn’t feel too cold.
Back home I put the shoulder bag that her harness and leads are attached to by the radiator to dry out. A short time later I spotted her gorging herself on the contents of the treat bag! Oh well, we all have to help ourselves a bit sometimes.
As this now brings me to the last day of my latest 28-day cycle of writing a post a day, I’ll have a break for a couple of weeks. In the meantime I’ll post a previously published post each day as I usually do.
Lydia and I went to a spot that we haven’t walked in for a while.
There were people with guns further down the track. I don’t know what they were shooting, but she was curious. It may have been rabbits but that’s just a guess.
Anyway, we had a good walk, got muddy, and when we got back to the car she wouldn’t go into her crate as usual.
After failing to persuade her, and securing her precariously – if that makes any sense at all – with my bag that her leads are attached to hooked around the top of a car seat, I set off. She was looking about her and not barking at everything- only when people were a bit close – so I’m taking that as a sign that she’s becoming more confident.
After another restful day – with cough symptoms still lingering – I went out to buy a few things before having a shower and am now back in bed. Lydia is on her bed at the foot of mine.
Tonight’s Buddhist class completes the five-week course on ‘Embracing Change’.
Change can happen in so many ways, on so many levels.
In my experience, I have not always known why I have not been able to ‘let go’ and move on at times. I think, now, I have more insight into why, and it’s because of the deep inner healing that I needed to do. It’s understandable to want to do that in a safe way, at a safe time, so that when the wound is exposed, it won’t be subject to any more damage.
Sometimes, however, circumstances force us to push through pain on a survival basis. How amazing then, to be in those circumstances and somehow find that you have got access to the support that you need to heal, from sources that in the past you could not have even imagined existed, yet somehow, they do. That’s where I’m at now.
And, for now, I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing; different things on different days. Today it was painting, white emulsion on walls; tomorrow I’ll go to pottery in the afternoon. Walking Lydia, of course, in the mornings, is such a good thing, I’m pretty sure for both of us. Meditating, practising yoga and Qigong, listening to the teachings of Buddha passed on through the Kadampa lineage. Meeting up with friends, chatting with neighbours. More painting of walls until that job is done, then I’ll move on to do something else. I know this is all leading to further change, and I am becoming more able to embrace the uncertainty of what lies ahead.
‘Change’ continues to be theme of the Buddhist class teachings at the moment – tonight will be week 3 of a 5-week course.
There’s a lot of internal and external change going on for me at the moment.
Historically, I’ve worked through a lot of change, in different ways, but more is on it’s way, rising from deep within and arising from outside sources.
This is leading me to feel a resurgence of anxiety that I had a massive bout of a while back, earlier in the year. Then, I was waking with fear in my gut, leading to nausea and retching. The retching isn’t so bad just now, I think largely because of a lot of the work I’ve been doing to keep myself calm, through meditation, yoga, Qigong, walking, working with clay. Even so, I’m having to work really hard today to achieve a sense of calm, and I can’t concentrate for very long at all. So, I’ve chosen to rest into it, not push myself, and to focus on bringing my awareness to the absence of any immediate threats. The fear that I’m feeling is in my mind, to do with past experiences and the unknowns of the future. But I’m OK today. That’s what I tell myself and keep telling myself. I’m OK today.
Lydia showed signs of fear this morning when we saw a dog in the distance. The other dog – Elkie – is one we’ve seen before and her owner is sensitive to our needs. He makes sure his dog doesn’t get too close to Lydia while I make sure that I keep the distance from our side too. I do what I can to help and talk her through the experience in what I hope is a reassuring way. She still growls, snarls, barks and tries to lunge, but I hold her on a short lead while stroking her head and ears. We turn to walk in the opposite direction, she has a good shake, and I start using the “heel” command combined with “Yes” and treats to mark and reward. It isn’t long before she’s settled down fairly soon to a steady pace and we resume our walk. I tell her how well she’s done and even though I don’t think she understands this, I hope she picks up the praise from my tone of voice at least. She gets more “good girl” treats as we’re going along. I also repeatedly tell her that we’re OK, that she’s OK, that we’re all OK.
We’ve both still got a long way to go to work through our fears, and all we can do is keep trying, following the guidance we’ve been given, learning, reflecting reviewing, and repeating as and when needed, for as long as it takes.
The theme for tonight’s Buddhist meeting – as it will be for the next few meetings – is ‘embracing change’.
I’ve been doing my best to ‘change my mind’ for a long time. It’s a slow process, for me, but one that I’m committed to. I listen, I meditate, I reflect and, one way or another, I change.
I hope – pray – that the process of change is also bringing about healing. I think it is.
Our usual teacher is away, so the teaching is given by a nun from the Centre.
We meditate on death and impermanence, which may sound morbid, but acknowledging and facing the inevitability of death does make sense to me, and I listen intently.
I don’t feel I have to fully understand and remember everything that I hear, and I certainly don’t. My powers of recall are not that good, and it is a process of gradual assimilation anyway.
There was a lot of emphasis on being able to let go of attachments that we acquire and accumulate in this life. I’ve not necessarily been that good at acquiring and attaching but then I’ve historically not been very good at letting go either.
After greeting me when I got home, Lydia has now settled down to sleep, on her favourite rug. She looks totally adorable and relaxed.
I’ll just sit for a while before I too settle down for the night.
I don’t need to set an alarm for tomorrow morning – we can just sleep as long as we want to and get up when we’re ready. Luxury!
Today I sat outside turning a piece of clay from one form into another. It’s called ‘art’ and I love it.
I have limited tools and equipment, so improvised, and just became profoundly absorbed in the process of ‘doing’.
The end result may not be classed as a ‘masterpiece’, but it’s my ‘mixed up piece’, and that’s what counts.
I’m looking forward to spending many more happy hours making things out of clay. It’s a wonderful medium to work with, providing all sorts of possibilities to explore.
The predicted weather was cold, with possible snow and hail. Even so, we set off, determined to make the most of the chance to meet up outside and walk with others, following the ‘Rule of Six’.
Although it did turn out to be cold, there was no sign of snow or hail. We walked through glorious countryside in bright sunshine and completed an 8-mile circuit. Not bad considering the effects of ‘lockdown winter’ with gyms closed and the impetus to exercise at home starting to dwindle. We needed those hills, that fresh air, that blast to the senses.
With 38 years between the youngest of the group, at 27, and me, at 65, our walking speeds were variable. Our younger friends waited patiently at regular intervals for us to catch up – me and my partner plodding along at a steady 2 miles an hour. We’re not going to break any records but we’re not aiming to. What we do want to do, however, is maintain reasonable levels of fitness as we progress through our sixties and beyond.
We’ve both struggled with long-term depression but also both never given up on pushing ourselves – and now, sometimes, each other – to keep making that effort – massive though it is – to maintain an exercise regime, in one form or another.
For me it’s tended to be a bit ad hoc – I find routine difficult – although for years I did cycle to work regularly. It wasn’t a long distance but there was quite a lot of uphill on the way back. I often cursed at the end of the day when I wished – how I wished – that I’d driven there in the car. But I’m sure it’s helped me a lot and I’m glad of it now. Glad to have kept going, pushing those pedals.
Every so often I used to try jogging. I found it hard to psyche myself up, sometimes got into a bit of a ‘stride’, and even completed a 10K run once. Jogging wasn’t for me though, long term. My knees complained and I had to call it a day on that one.
There were times in my life when I simply set off from home and walked until my heels bled. Not recommended but at least it got me out and active.
In later years I did volunteering involving hard labour with a sledgehammer (and called it a holiday!). For that, I set myself training targets, carrying a backpack loaded up to 50lb in weight with books, tins of beans and bags of flour. A good friend used to come with me on some of these training walks, to make sure that I didn’t fall backwards off the hillside – with that load I would never have stopped until I landed at the bottom!
Now, I enjoy our leisure walks – sometimes with friends, sometimes just the two of us. We’re planning to do Helvellyn later this year. Must get into training again soon.
Post script 28th September 2025: never did make Helevellyn but I’m pretty sure I’m doing ‘striding edge’ in a different way. I’ll keep enjoying my walks with Lydia, every day.
When I wake, my thoughts again go round to different people in my life.
Then a message from a friend invites me round for a curry at her house later. It’s a welcome invitation which I gladly accept. I’ve started being able to say ‘yes’ to things again. While I still want and need lots of time to do little or nothing, it will be good to spend a few hours with my friend.
Lydia, I think, is missing the warm weather as it’s raining again today. We had our morning walk without getting too wet and I’ve now turned the heating on in the house.
Trev has the ‘Nest’ app on his phone so I adjusted the thermostat controls manually. He would have done it remotely if I’d asked but he may well be in the middle of a museum visit, or driving. There’s an app for pretty much everything these days but it’s good to not be totally dependent on them either.
Having finished the last episode of the latest series of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’ last night, I decide to start watching the latest series of MAFS: New Zealand. I haven’t done this much binge-watching since Covid but it’s good at the moment just to switch off and watch.
Later …
Before setting off to visit my friend, I meditate for about 20 minutes. After curry combined with kind conversation, I feel a small but still perceptible change in mood; something shifting and lifting. The lift, like the invitation, is very welcome.
After yesterday’s sensation of clarity and light emerging, today brings an inner pull into heavy and dark.
Recognising this as part of a process is important. The dark thoughts are the deluded thoughts; the process of moving from dark to light takes time and effort; practice, patience and persistence.
Following an early visit with Lydia to Vicky the groomer and then a walk, after breakfast – kindly cooked for me by Trev in the form of porridge and a cup of fresh coffee – I went back to bed for a few hours. Lydia was also happy to rest.
It’s unusual for me, these days, to do this. I do generally need to go to bed early and get up late when I can, but this morning it’s fair to say that I felt a pull into dark at a deep level and decided to rest. I have enough positive activity built into my week generally to be able to give in to that inward pull occasionally, and today I needed to just be with it.
Yesterday I missed both yoga and Qigong as I had to get my car fixed. I think this may have played no small part in how I feel today. However, after a couple of hours resting, I get up, brush my hair, put on some make up, give Lydia some fuss, open the back door so that she can enjoy the fresh air, and start writing.
Writing is helping me to process, just like other things are. I’m visiting M in her care home this afternoon and we should be able to go outside into the garden as we usually do on a fine day. I enjoy reading to her; short stories from a magazine. She usually dozes off when I do, which I take as no reflection on my reading style, just a sign that she is relaxed and comfortable in my company. I hope so.
Before heading out I remember to meditate. I don’t have to sit cross-legged – thank goodness, because I couldn’t – but adopt a comfortable seated upright posture and focus on my breath. Fresh air coming through the back door helps.
Glad About 
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