I decided this year to make a white chocolate Christmas cake instead of a traditional fruit one, that I’ve made in previous years.
I’m glad that I did as it turned out very well, with a fruit compote filling and icing that included cream and ground almonds – delicious😋. I had some for my breakfast this morning, as I did on Christmas Day.
Lydia enjoyed her usual breakfast ball after our walk and I did a bit of tidying up in the lounge before heading out to visit a friend who now lives in a care home.
I had a bit of a chat with my friend and a couple of the other residents who were in the lounge with her, staying for about an hour before heading for home.
Our lounge is now looking a lot clearer, with Trev having done a tip run the other day and I had a good run round with the vacuum cleaner.
As I write, Lydia is crunching her way through a raw lamb rib – quite a chunky one – and I can relax as Trev’s cooking the tea tonight.
Although I’m still a bit tired, I feel that I’ve had quite a constructive day, which has included some meditation and also some chanting of prayers. The prayers do, I think, help a lot, and I find them very beautiful.
It wasn’t an uneventful walk for me and Lydia this morning as we saw several dogs and a horse from a distance, all with owners – or, in the case of the horse, with its rider.
I thought at one point the horse and rider were going to be heading our way, which would have meant me seeking a quick diversion from their path, down into a ditch, then up and out the other side. Thankfully, they turned in a different direction, perhaps after having heard Lydia’s initial reaction of barking on sight of them.
Lydia still struggles on sight of dogs as well as horses and I still struggle to find a way of reassuring her. She gets the principle of not reacting but just finds it hard to put it into practice. I think this is something that many or most of us struggle with, one way or another.
Putting Buddhism into practice was a key theme of the weekend course I’ve just been on. So, I’ll just keep doing what I can, reflecting and hopefully learning.
As it’s Tuesday I went to visit my friend who used to live in the village but now lives in a care home. As usual, she greeted me with a warm smile, leading me to feel very welcome.
Coming home, I do a few things that I need to do in the kitchen, give Lydia her tea, then start preparing ours.
I’ve made up a sauce based on a pasta dish that I enjoyed when I visited Rome quite a few years ago. I remember it had mushrooms, ground pistachios and, I think, bacon. I’ve also included garlic and onion.
I used a food processor to chop the mushrooms up very very finely so that they are almost ground like the pistachios. I’ve seasoned with lots of freshly ground black pepper, a good splash of Worcestershire sauce, some soy sauce and half a stock cube.
It’s tasty and I’m hungry so time, I think, to start boiling some water for the pasta.
I don’t think we have enough spaghetti so I’ll use fusilli which should also help to absorb the sauce and flavour.
My relationship with food has historically been a difficult one.
As a teenager I went on a strict diet – mostly made up of cottage cheese, crispbread, lean meat and fruit – to keep me at 7/71/2 stone. That was the only way I could feel reasonably good about myself and my body.
Even so, I didn’t think anybody could possibly find me attractive, and I struggled with a very limited life.
If I ever did ‘let go’ and start to eat anything even remotely fattening, my mood plummeted as my weight gained. The only way I could cope was to start restricting my eating again. I had no concept that help or support of any kind might be available; it was a very private and lonely struggle that went on until my mid-40s. After an almost catastrophic catalogue of failed relationships and career stalemate I realised that I had to push through the internal barriers, and keep going until I came out the other side.
20 years on, at 66, I believe I have finally arrived at that point.
I weigh five stone more than I did in my teens, and though I am aiming to steadily lose some weight this won’t be my starving myself – not just of food, but of life.
There are many factors and influences that have helped me to get through, not least in recent years that of my partner, Trev, who makes me feel beautiful just as I am, inside and out. That’s a great gift to get at any age!
I’ve taken on board Buddhist teachings of all kinds, with one fundamental phrase being an enduring fallback: “The mind is a muscle and it can be changed.”
I’ve had to fight and work hard to train and change my brain and was fortunate to find the fight associated with a strong survival instinct when I needed it.
That isn’t to say that I haven’t had moments of self-loathing that threatened to be overwhelming. But I kept looking for and finding ways to be positive, including reaching out to others who were also struggling in the extreme.
I still won’t try clothes on in a shop changing room, and feel no need to put myself through that ordeal. So, while this may be evidence of ‘avoidance’ lingering in my psyche, it’s a minor issue as far as I’m concerned, and doesn’t get in the way of me living my life in a full way, including enjoying delicious food.
Lydia gave me a gentle nudge in the early hours and I went downstairs to open the back door for her, propping it open so that she could enjoy some morning air, which I knows she likes to do, while sheltering inside. It gives her a chance to go and have a ‘peepie’ if she needs one and I go down later to close it, as expected finding her now curled up in her chair.
My lower back is aching a bit after my exertions of yesterday, balancing on a stepladder that I’d positioned so that I could reach the far corners of the walls I was painting. I knew I hadn’t strained my back – I’d been careful and I have Qigong and yoga to thank for giving me flexibility and strength that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I did, however, feel that I’d stretched muscles that I wouldn’t otherwise have stretched, and decided to make myself a cup of tea for comfort, to take back to bed. It must have worked because I didn’t wake until after 9am and I felt I’d had a reasonably deep sleep for a few hours.
It was the ‘Boot and Shoe’ walk – that I also call the ‘woodland walk’ – for Lydia and me this morning, the name coming from the house nearby. She was sniffing and pulling most of the way so I don’t know what scent or scents she’d picked up on, but they were strong.
After coming home and giving Lydia her breakfast, I decided to make some blueberry muffins. I don’t feel like my usual breakfast foods at the moment – even poached eggs on toast which I normally love as a brunch – and muffins seemed like a good option. I’d bought a large tray of blueberries when I went shopping yesterday and they are a good nutritious fruit.
For a standard cake mix I use a basic formula of equal quantities of butter or margarine, sugar and flour in a ratio of 4, 4 and 4 plus two eggs. This morning, I had 12oz of baking margarine in a tub leftover from when I’d made a cake a couple of weeks ago, so I used that as the starting measure. Deciding that I didn’t want my muffins too sweet, I weighed out 8oz of sugar instead of 12oz. I’m quite happy to use metric measures but this morning stuck to imperial as it made it easy with the amount of margarine I was starting with. Six eggs, a sprinkling of salt, 12oz of self-raising flour – plus a little extra baking powder just to help the muffins be as light and fluffy as they can be – an unmeasured quantity of blueberries and a splash of evaporated milk completed the mix.
I’d preheated the oven to 180 degrees centigrade and spooned the mixture into 18 paper cases. I baked them initially for 20 minutes and then moved the muffins from the top shelf to the lower shelf and the ones from the lower shelf to the higher shelf to help them all cook evenly. I set the timer for another 10 minutes but got engrossed in writing this post and didn’t hear it go off! The muffins, however, are just nicely browned, not burnt, and I am now waiting for them to cool down so that I can try one, or two, or more.
The carbs should help to set me up for some more painting this afternoon. Having finished the walls I’m now turning to woodwork that was done not so long ago but needs a bit of freshening up in places. It shouldn’t take long and won’t be anywhere near as strenuous as yesterday’s efforts. I do find the process of painting soothing, so I’ll just take my time and it’ll get done.
As it turned out, the small pot of paint that was in the garage, that I thought was a water-based satin white for woodwork, was actually a matt white emulsion. I only discovered this after I’d painted over with it in a few places but it’ll be fine. I’ll buy a pot of the paint that I need tomorrow and go over it again.
There’s also a skylight window frame that needs doing, so I started to prepare that by giving it a good clean with some sugar soap solution. I was too tired to start painting it today as it will need careful concentration – including masking tape application in places – to make sure I do a proper job of it. It will take a couple of coats and I also need to try and reach the outside pane to clean it. I cleaned the inside pane today but I may need my steam cleaner for the outside.
Positioned at the top of the stairs, I used a combination of a chair, stepladders and a left-side-step on to my ‘strategically placed’ filing cabinet today and was able to reach all parts of the skylight frame. It’s going to be a job for later in the week and probably going on into next weekend.
Trev’s back after going out earlier. He sampled and approved the muffins and I’ve now reached the 28th day of my latest 28-day writing cycle, so I’m taking a short break from writing new posts and will publish an earlier post each day instead, starting with ‘A Bag of Clay’ that includes a poem. Hope you enjoy it.
My books continue to be available on Amazon, in paperback, for Kindle and on Kindle Unlimited:
Lydia and I had one of our weekend walks this morning, on a quiet track. It was cold, so I wore a hat. I’d inadvertently shrunk my knitted winter hat in a too-hot wash a couple of weeks back, but I found another in the cupboard to keep my head warm. My cold is on its way out but I still need to keep myself ‘well wrapped up’, as our Mum used to say.
Lydia kept stopping and looking out over the fields at something I couldn’t see, or maybe it wasn’t something she saw either but sensed. Anyway, we had an easy walk which I needed, then back to a warm house – breakfast for both of us and another cup of tea for me.
Strong tea and freshly brewed coffee are daily pleasures for me, but I’m cutting out coffee at the moment, and only drinking tea in the morning. This is to help me establish a better sleep pattern again.
I did a bit of kitchen tidying and cleaning, loading and unloading the dishwasher and mopping the floor, before going back to bed for more rest. I have been very sensible in looking after myself while I’ve had this virus working its way through my body, and I do think that is a strategy that is paying off. It can be a bit frustrating, resting, but I know I need to do it at the moment.
Later it was Trev’s turn to take ‘stuff’ to the tip, which is actually a recycling centre, and very well organised for different types of waste, including a ‘waste to energy recovery’ skip for anything that doesn’t fit the recycling categories, such as wood, metal and so on.
I think we’re only a few tip trips short of a good clear-out now. I have a charity shop run planned tomorrow, and then I’ll buy a pot of paint, to start doing some internal work that needs doing.
Last night, I slept. Not for a full eight hours but for a few hours at least. It broke the cycle of not sleeping that I’ve had for a week or so, and it helps.
With my cold continuing to do whatever it decides to do, I’m beginning to feel a bit better, but still not up to doing more of the garage clearing that I had planned to do today. Another rest day will help me to recover more quickly and put me in a position to do more sooner, rather than later.
Lydia and I had a bit of a longer walk, though, than we had yesterday and, though chilly initially when we set foot outside the door, it turned into a brighter morning while we were out.
On the way home I bought lemons and honey from the shop at the local petrol station, and also sausages, fresh bread rolls and a baguette, so that Trev and I can have brunch when he gets back from the gym. ‘Feed a cold and starve the flu’ is a phrase I heard long ago, and I have no idea if it is true or not but I am doing what I need to do to look after myself.
After I’d given Lydia her breakfast, and while I was waiting for some ginger to release its wonderful reviving and zingy goodness into a saucepan of boiling water, to add to the honey and lemon concoction for my cold, I cut up some cooked chicken drum fillets that I’d put in the fridge overnight and divided them up into bags for the freezer, keeping one bag out for part of Lydia’s tea tonight. The juice I cooked them in had turned to jelly, so she can have that as an extra treat of ‘Lydi juice’ later. This is good nourishing broth for her. It was good nourishing and tasty broth that Trev cooked for our tea last night, in the form of broccoli and Stilton soup. It all helps.
Lydia’s enjoying some ‘Lydi juice’ – chicken broth – as the final course for her tea, which has included cooked chicken drum fillets, her main course of BARF[i]-based dried pellets and a raw chicken wing.
Trev is preparing our tea – soup made with some leftovers from earlier in the week plus some additional fresh vegetables and other ingredients, to help keep us healthy. It will also taste good.
It took me a while to work out a diet for Lydia that suited her needs and was practical, and the one we’ve arrived at does seem to work.
I change the flavour of her dried food regularly, because none of us want to eat the same things all the time, and I occasionally change brands. The website ‘www.allaboutdogfood’ offers helpful information with comparisons available for content and cost. I was also fortunate to be given some advice from our local dog food supplier, and I feel confident that Lydia does have a good quality balanced diet which – also important – she enjoys. She is by no means a fussy eater and also enjoys treats such as dental sticks, pieces of carrot, banana, apple, pear and peach.
Trev and I generally have a healthy diet, eating little in the way of processed food and plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables. I’m conscious of keeping my cholesterol intake down and don’t find this difficult at all. Tomorrow, Trev is having a steak while I’m having some salmon. Hardly what I would call ‘hardship’.
We also like our treats and, I think, all the better for being occasional rather than every day. We do have some ice cream lined up for later, and I can feel a nice glass of red wine coming on …
[i] Biologically appropriate raw food; all good quality ingredients with high protein content and superfood additions, to help keep her healthy
Cooking with leftovers isn’t a new concept, but it’s an important one.
I’m interested in reducing waste of all kinds. Reducing food waste in my own kitchen is something that I can and like to do.
Trev and I have different views about ‘waste’ when it comes to food. When I was living on my own – which I was for some time before we met – I used to cook batches of food and either eat it for days on end until it was gone, or eat some and freeze some.
He, on the other hand, thinks that if he leaves something in a pan it’s going to ‘go to waste’ and therefore feels obliged to eat it (well, that’s his story!).
Anyway, because we both need to watch our weight, I’ve had to rethink my approach to batches and think more in portions. Apart from when I’m cooking soup.
It’s hard to overeat soup, by nature of its liquid bulk. And even if – when – we eat generous portions, the calorific value is relatively low (unless it’s laden with cheese, croutons, dumplings … but they’re another story).
At the weekend we indulged in roast leg of lamb with a herb crust, complete with jabron potatoes, sugar snap peas and Savoy cabbage. It was a great combination (with gravy, of course), followed by magic lemon pudding (I’d been massively remiss in not having made this for over forty years) and ice cream (delish).
So, there were a few sugar snap peas and some cabbage left, plus some sticks of celery and a couple of peppers which were ‘on their way out’ but got thrown in.
Added stock, a few splashes of things here and there (my secret) and, once cooked, liquidised.
The result was healthy, ‘slurp worthy’ soup that tasted so much better than anything out of a can.
Each batch of leftover soup is unique; once it’s gone, it’s gone. But it’s great just to conjure something up from odd bits and pieces, instead of throwing them out.
With no Qigong this afternoon, it’s the woodland walk for Lydia and me this morning, then yoga. Lydia often partakes in this remotely, being particularly good at ‘downward facing dog’!
The yoga teacher introduced a new exercise aid to the class: conkers. They formed a focus for our meditation and visualisation and I must say I enjoyed the experience of familiarisation with the seed of the chestnut tree. It was somehow comforting and inspiring at the same time.
As I now complete this latest 28-day cycle of writing, I reflect on how far I’ve come, not just since I started writing this blog in 28-day cycles a few months ago, but since I started my overall journey of recovery over fifty years ago, when I was still very young.
I didn’t know it at the time, but it essentially started in my teens, when I decided that I needed more than physical food in my life.
That may sound ungrateful as I know there are many people in the world who have less food than they need to survive. But my needs for nourishment were psychological, emotional and spiritual. They were very real for me and presented in the forms of social anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia and an eating disorder. That’s a lot for any teen to have to deal with and I hope that in writing about my experiences, it may help others to not have to go through the same.
It’s taken me a long time to work out what I needed to work out, to find pieces that I didn’t have reference points for. How could I know what I’d lost when I had no memory of having it in the first place?
For whatever reason – probably survival – my emotional brain closed down, and it’s taken me a lifetime to find ways of opening it up again. I’m still working on it, with Lydia’s help and a lot of help and support from a lot of other people along the way.
The most significant latest step for me is on the path presented by the Buddhist faith. It helps me to make sense of a lot of things, accept what I can’t change, and do my best to make the most of each day as it comes, recognising the value of what I have when for so long I was focused on what I didn’t have. Grief doesn’t go away, but we can grow to encompass a wider experience of life around it. That’s what I’ve been doing my best to do.
As I now take a couple of weeks break from writing a new daily blog, I’ll continue with republishing previous posts, looking back a bit before again moving on.
The paperback versions of my two latest books – ‘Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random: Glad About Life’ and ‘A Woman, a Dog and a Blog: Writing into Life’ will shortly be available on Amazon, along with the Kindle and Kindle Unlimited editions:
‘Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Random: Glad About Life’ brings together over 60 blog posts, from March 2020 through to September 2024.
It offers personal insights into the mental health recovery journey, recognising that there are no easy answers or quick fix solutions to complex problems but demonstrating that growth is possible through whatever difficulties life presents.
‘A Woman, a Dog & a Blog: Writing into Life’ presents a summary of my own backstory and that of my dog, Lydia. We had both experienced trauma before we met and, though I effectively rescued and adopted her, in many ways she has also rescued and adopted me.
We continue our journey together, day by day, step by step. Volume I of this book presents the first cycle of me writing a post a day for 28 days, at a time when the depression I had experienced most of my adult life had started to lift, only to reveal an underlying and extreme – at the time – sense of anxiety. Having lost everything that I’d worked for in the past, due to a severe breakdown in my thirties, I was absolutely petrified that history was going to repeat itself and that I would lose everything again, including Lydia. I was determined that wouldn’t happen and I drew on every aspect of resourcefulness and resilience I’d built up, and all the support mechanisms I could muster, to make sure that it didn’t. And it hasn’t.
Volume II presents the next 28 days of continuing to work with – and write about – positives in whatever way that I can. Affirmations, exercises, working with clay, working with words, walking, reflecting, resting, meditating – they’re all in there as I find my own way through and I hope it may help others find their way too.
The gears in my car are still not fixed so I’m taking it back to the garage again this afternoon.
I know it will get sorted, one way or another, sooner or later. I do hope it’s sooner though.
Some clarity of thought is coming through and I woke this morning with a lighter heart than I’ve had for a long time.
Even so, I revelled in being able to lie in bed until after 9am, before getting up, making tea for Trev and me, and then doing a short meditation before taking Lydia out for her walk.
Even just a five-minute meditation on a morning is making a real difference, combined with the group sessions that I take part in on a Wednesday evening and the additional occasional teachings at the centre. It’s a slow shift but a shift nonetheless. Yoga and Qigong also have strong meditative aspects to them, working at different levels.
It’s another warm September morning – we are still so blessed with the weather. I know we are blessed whatever the weather but I have enjoyed the weather this summer, moving into autumn.
While waiting in the queue at the post office I do a few exercises for my knees. They are so much better now than a few months ago and I’m not taking that for granted.
I then went on to buy a large unsliced loaf from the local bakery. Two big chunky slices with olive spread and blackcurrant jam make a delicious breakfast for me while Lydia enjoys her food from her feeding ball.
I think back to when I restricted my food intake to such an extent that I used to do an eight-hour evening shift as a waitress, full on, on my feet and rushing round all that time, before I would allow myself a slice of bread for breakfast the following morning.
Even though breakfast for me now is usually late – today around 11.30am – and I rarely have lunch, it’s not because I’m limiting myself by willpower, it’s just because I don’t want to do things any differently. I don’t want or need three meals a day plus snacks.
I’m not thin, but I’m not heavily overweight either. I have Lydia to thank for that, at least in part. Our regular walks every day give my system a much-needed boost.
Glad About 
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