Lydia and I did a double circuit of our woodland walk this morning. It was good walking weather, neither too warm nor cold, and she was doing really well with her “heel” work, tugging on the lead only a little but also at times pulling herself into the “heel” position, which I was quick to reinforce with the reward of a treat (or three). She’s not just a “good girl”, she’s the best girl (but then I’m biased).
I’m rewarding myself with the treats of a yoga class followed by a Qigong class this afternoon.
I keep to the routine of my ‘Mental Health Mondays’ most weeks, providing the classes are on. It makes for a great start to the week, working at deep levels which, combined with meditation, help me to push through on positives.
That doesn’t mean that I’m always ‘doing stuff’. It just means that I’m working on training my mind to not revert to the negative thought patterns that I grew up with, so that I can move forward in different ways, taking care of my body at the same time as I need it to carry me through.
I’ve taken a further positive step by applying to do some volunteering at the Buddhist Centre.
My offer is one afternoon a month for now, as I don’t want to over-commit on top of existing commitments, particularly since I’m still working through a phase of burnout. But being at the Centre yesterday helped to remind me how replenishing an atmosphere it is, and I have a lot of skills learned in my working life that could be put to good use.
It isn’t always easy, during retirement, to re-establish ourselves after the rigours of working life have taken their toll. I don’t want or need too many things going on but I do need to feel that there is some meaning and purpose in what I do and why I do it.
It was an early start for Lydia and me this morning.
I’d set the alarm for 6.15 but was awake and got up before then.
After a quick cup of tea I took Lydia out for a walk.
She is very amenable and adaptable to changes in routine. We normally have a slow start to the day and I take her out mid- to late morning. However, she took it in her stride – literally – as we walked together for about an hour before heading back for breakfast.
Leaving Lydia at home with Trev, I set off to go to a half-day course at the Buddhist Centre, about a 50-minute drive away.
It’s an easy drive and I arrived in good time for the start of the session: Finding the Hero Within.
I was relieved to find that it didn’t mean I had to be able to quickly don a cape and a vest with a big ‘S’ on it and whizz about in the sky.
The ‘hero’ or ‘heroine’ was defined as anyone who made the decision to train their mind to identify, reduce and eventually eliminate delusional thoughts. Delusional thoughts are those such as ignorance, desirous attachment and anger. These delusional thoughts lead us to believe that our happiness is dependant on external factors or other people rather than ourselves.
For me, an important aspect of the teaching this morning was the emphasis on meditation as the primary means for training the mind, and the acknowledgement that it was all about building things up, bit by bit. Making the commitment, and taking small steps towards achieving it, are the key, with the ultimate aim of building our capacity to be of benefit to others.
This brings me to self-management rule no. 26:Your brief case is an important tool. Use it well. Use it wisely. I’ve struggled with using my brief case – my life – well and wisely, largely because of the mental health complications that I developed as a child and young adult.
I’ve had to do a lot of unravelling, and that in itself has been debilitating and exhausting. Having said that, perhaps what I’ve done is the best that I could do in the circumstances that I was presented with, and now I can start to do things differently, in the circumstances I’m now in?
There is really only one answer to my question, so I’ll continue to meditate, read the dharma (teaching) books, go to classes and retreats and find whatever way that I can to be the best person I can be, for the benefit of others.
I have to confess I find it daunting – terrifying – but bit by bit, step by step, is the way.
The health benefits of exercise are well recognised.
Exercise also keeps the brain and your other vital organs healthy.
Experts believe exercise releases chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. Regular exercise can boost your self-esteem and help you concentrate, sleep and feel better.
“I get a huge buzz from my rock ’n’ roll class. Hours later, my legs ache, but I’m still smiling.”
Exercising doesn’t just mean doing sport or going to the gym. Walks in the park, gardening or housework can also keep you active.
Experts say most people should do about 30 minutes’ exercise at least five days a week.
Try to make physical activity that you enjoy a part of your day.
We all know this and are likely to have had direct experience of these benefits.
Why, then, can it still be so difficult to find the motivation to exercise?
It’s an issue that I’ve struggled with all my life, experiencing barriers associated with body image when I was younger. I knew swimming was good exercise but would only ever go to a swimming pool or wear a swimsuit on a beach if I’d starved myself to be thin enough to feel able to do that. And even then, I felt morbidly self-conscious about how I looked. It took a long time and a lot of working through masses amount of personal ‘stuff’ before I could stop worrying and start enjoying swimming. My partner and I even go wild swimming now, and it feels wonderful.
I tried jogging but always found it so hard to build myself up to a regular routine. Lacking in willpower and discipline some people might say. Struggling with severe depression, anxiety and low self-esteem was the real reason. I’ve continued to struggle ever since, but have also never given up. Now 65, I’ve been doing on-line exercise classes, including yoga and pilates during lockdown. Last summer we did some cycling around our local lanes. We still both find that it’s an effort to go out, sometimes, but give each other a push and/or moral support when we need it. Whatever it takes.
What’s the alternative? An inactive old age with all the complications that brings?
I’ve always found it difficult to go to a gym or to exercise classes after work. Just getting through a day involved such a major effort for me. So, I looked for ways to combine exercise into my daily routine. Cycling to work meant that I often turned up looking like a drowned rat, but it did help.
Even so, I continued to struggle with depression and continued to find it hard to motivate myself to exercise enough to help it lift on anything more than a temporary basis. I felt like the only way I could sustain the ‘lift’ would be to train as if I was an Olympic athlete. I have neither the physique nor the talent to be anything remotely akin to athletic and, like most people, have had to commit a significant amount of my time to earning a living and keeping up with the usual day to day domestic activities.
There were times as well when I felt that the more I exercised, the deeper my depression went, after the initial ‘buzz’ fell away.
I continued to have to do a lot of work to try and shift it, with exercise being one of a number of tools and techniques that I’ve tried and tested over the years. It has been, and continues to be, a lifetime endeavour. I think that this is in part because of the way emotions are stored in the body, a matter which has been increasingly recognised and written about including the following article by Sean Grover (2018):
For years, I’ve made a study of where people tend to store their unwanted emotions. Certainly, not all body aches or illnesses are psychosomatic. However, as I studied people’s bodily reactions to stress, recurring patterns emerged.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Repression
Fear is the driving force behind repression, and is frequently rooted in your past. Repression is often necessary, particularly when you feel overwhelmed or experience trauma. But an overdependence on repression fuels psychosomatic symptoms and self-destructive patterns.
In his article in Psychology Today, Sean Grover goes on to identify the ‘Top 10 Tension Areas for Unwanted Feelings’ as:
1.Lower Back: Anger 2. Stomach & Intestines: Fear 3. Heart & Chest: Hurt 4. Headache: Loss of control 5. Neck/Shoulder Tension: Burdens 6. Fatigue: Resentments 7. Numbness: Trauma 8. Breathing Difficulties: Anxiety 9. Voice & Throat Problems: Oppression 10. Insomnia: Loss of self
I find this interesting and helpful, relating these areas to recent and past experiences.
I did a lot of work on repressed anger at one point, including going to a workshop where I was encouraged to take a lot of it out on a punch bag. The physicality of the release at the time was phenomenal (although I did go into a kind of ‘toxic shock’ afterwards, so I would not recommend anyone trying this approach without a very strong support network around them).
Some years later, experiencing stress at work, I searched out volunteering opportunities, finding an outlet by doing trail maintenance work where I could break big rocks into smaller rocks to make hardcore with a sledgehammer. I came back refreshed and invigorated. Although the effects did wear off after a while, I have so far – touch wood – not suffered from lower back problems.
Fatigue and resentments strike a chord with me – I’m so good at hanging on to them, no wonder I feel tired all the time!
So, while I’ve done a lot of work on myself to get to this point, and to feel largely positive about the position I’m in, there’s still a lot to do.
It’s often the enormity – or perceived enormity of the challenge – that puts us off dealing with it, which leads to repression, which leads to depression….
There are no easy answers or quick fix solutions, especially when difficulties are deep-rooted. I just keep reminding myself that it’s all about the next step. And the one after that. And the one after that. It does get easier. Miraculously – it feels to me – my steps feel a lot lighter, at the age I’m at now, than they did when I was young, all those years ago! Something must be working, somehow. Barriers can be overcome. It’s not easy, but it’s worth working at it, bit by bit.
After taking Lydia on our woodland walk this morning, I visited a friend in the village this afternoon.
We met through a befriending service and it feels like one of the best things I’ve done since I retired from doing paid work a few years ago.
The service sets clear parameters, which means that I visit once a week for two hours a week. This has been good for me as I’ve had a lot going on in my life and I tend to try and do too much.
The friend who I visit has dementia. She forgets things, struggles to concentrate and has lost a lot of confidence. She has also lost through death the people who have been dearest to her in her life. I’m not a counsellor, nor a carer, but I do try to reassure her and rebuild her confidence.
We usually have a few laughs when we’re together; she’s got a great sense of humour and a very kind heart. It was lovely today to see her little cat cuddling up to her. It was like the cat wanted her to know how much she loves her. That was how I saw it, anyway, and I told her so.
Coming home, and having not had any lunch, I ate a large bowl of salad greens that another friend has given me, freshly grown by her. With some ‘French’ dressing – made from grain mustard, Italian olive oil, balsamic vinegar and a sprinkle of brown sugar – they tasted delicious. A healthy snack to top-off a lovely afternoon. Even better – my partner is making us humous for tea.
Lydia is lying quietly by the open back door – she’s been outside again most of the day. She’s not in any hurry for her tea and neither am I. We can relax and enjoy some ‘Maggie and Lydi time’ too.
These were words spoken to me this morning when I picked Lydia up from the kennels where she’d been staying over the weekend.
I’ve always thought this myself, because she is.
We had a good walk together, before I took her home, and she’s enjoyed much of the day outside in the yard, in what is warm and rather windy weather.
After a two-week break I resumed my usual ‘Mental Health Monday’ activities this afternoon: yoga followed by Qigong.
So, I’ve had two-and-a-half hours of concentrated activity for health and wellbeing with the added benefit – for brief periods – of being a tiger, a dog, a cat, a tree, a warrior and a dragon.
I don’t feel a need to compare and say which of these I’ve preferred being, but I did like the dragon movements.
I can now relax into a mellow evening knowing that I have given important attention to my musculoskeletal system as well as my mind and spirit. I think my girl with the beautiful soul is quite relaxed too; still in the back yard; still enjoying the warm and windy weather.
Lydia emerging from the tunnel at the dog field this morning.
How do we find solutions to problems if we don’t know the root cause?
The answer, of course, is “with great difficulty”.
In fact, if we don’t identify the root cause of a problem, we are only ever going to be treating the surrounding tissue, which may alleviate symptoms for a while, but does nothing for the longer term.
As I’ve continued my journey of recovery from mental health and emotional difficulties that got buried deep inside when I was a child, I’ve come to realise that I’ve still got a long way to go.
I’ll turn 70 at my next birthday. I am, in all aspects, in a better place than I’ve ever been in my life, but the process of healing continues, probably because it’s only just begun.
There are times now when I can physically feel the emotional and psychological pain – pain that was compacted down into the mould that was made for me when I was young – finally pushing out from the core of my bones and the pores of my body.
It’s only because I’ve finally been able to acknowledge the source and reach a point of acceptance, that I can sit with this pain, experience it, let it go.
It’s taken a lot of work, a lot of searching, a lot of learning, a lot of losing, a lot of loving, to arrive at this point.
And I do feel sadness, regret, an ache for what I haven’t had, that a lot of people take for granted or even don’t appreciate at all: family. My own family.
But I also know that I have been so, so lucky to have met the people that I’ve met, learned what I’ve learned, found what I’ve found.
As I write there is gentle music playing, the back door is open and Lydia is lying in one of her favourite places, just outside.
It’s a spot that is fairly cool in this summer weather and from which she has a good vantage point of her domain: our back yard.
She barks occasionally at potential invaders – mainly pigeons – but mostly just enjoys being there, as I am enjoying, being here.
I realise that somebody, or circumstances, could take that away from me. But for now, I’m just glad for what I have. It’s a lot.
I picked her up from the boarding kennels this morning, where she’s been staying for the last nine nights.
The staff at the kennels love her, and she gets very excited about going to see them. I’m pleased to say that she’s also excited to see me when I go to pick her up. She is a big bundle of furry fluffiness hurtling towards me and goes straight into the car, ready to go home.
It’s good to be home.
I needed to get away for a while, but it’s so good to be home.
To pace myself, after a late return journey last night, I choose not to go to yoga this afternoon. Instead, I take it easy with my dog, get my car tyres checked – I need new ones – and do a bit of shopping. Today is the first day of the rest of my retirement, and I’m enjoying it.
Later I go to Qigong. We are doing some movements, under the theme of ‘deer’, which are lovely. I imagine I have antlers for a while. We take up poses for increasing our alertness and awareness, as if we are animals in the wild, picking up on sights and sounds, of potential dangers and opportunities for exploration.
Building up to the deer movements, we did work to increase the flexibility and strength of our shoulder blades and spine, as well as being beneficial to kidney and liver function.
I continue to reflect on how fortunate I am to have my health and be able to do exercises such as these to help maintain it.
Keeping things simple is key for me just now. I can’t cope with complicated nor do I want to.
What better way, then, than to enjoy the company of friends, as I have done this weekend.
Yesterday I visited a friend – a fellow Ceramic Artist – at the Dovecot Gallery, near Doncaster, where she was exhibiting. It was a summer show in a garden setting, full of colour and creativity.
Today a friend and I visited a friend of hers. We sat together for about four hours, talking. Just talking. It was lovely to have a three-way conversation, each of us bringing in thoughts and ideas from our lives and experience.
My Ceramic Artist friend is a year or two older than me, so in her early 70’s. She started out in her career with clay just a few years ago. Rarely have I come across anyone more passionate about what they do.
My friend’s friend is about 10 years younger than us. Unlike me, she doesn’t enjoy good physical health, but she doesn’t let that stop her expressing herself through her art. She is a talented Textile Artist as well as a dog lover and owner of four canine companions.
While I aim in this blog to be positive about pushing through into a position of mental health recovery that I’ve been working towards most of my life, at the moment I’m struggling to get my brain to function.
Despite enjoying the company of friends, despite the wonderful weather, despite the woodland walk I had with Lydia this morning, I’ve hit a wall.
At least though, now, I know it won’t last, that I just need to rest – which I will – and tomorrow will be another day.
Looking across at Lydia, as I write, she is looking back at me. I’ll give her some more “rub-a-dub-dub” massages later, to help soothe her vagus nerve and I’ll keep doing what I need to do to help soothe mine too.
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The Buddhist teaching at last night’s meeting was led by a nun from the local Centre.
She introduced the idea that the children’s story of Polyanna could be likened to the teachings of Buddha, with reference to Polyanna’s ‘glad game’. I’m not familiar with the story of Polyanna but I was surprised and pleased to hear about the glad game, bearing in mind the name of this blog site – gladabout.life – and the name of my ceramics business – Glad About Ceramics.
I came up with these names because I wanted to be glad, to move away from sad.
I think, finally, that I have. I can’t say I’m deliriously happy, but I don’t need to be. I can just let myself be.
I have no doubt that I will have blips down and bump backwards but I am now feeling a lot lighter in myself.
It was also helpful when the nun suggested, during meditation, that as we breathe in white light we think of peace and as we breathe out black smoke we think of anger.
The dog field that I took Lydia to this morning was covered in clover flowers. We’re expecting a high of 27o here today; not as hot as it will be in a lot of places around the world but a good temperature for me, here. I can cope with hotter but that will do for today.
Later this morning I’ll be heading out to drop off the 28 small pots that I made a few weeks ago, for their first firing. I have a few glazed pots to be fired as well. I’m not in a big making phase just now, preferring to take things at a steady pace and work with what I’ve got. I’ve got a few pots, of various shapes and sizes, that I’m going to plant up as jardinière, ready for the Aldborough & Boroughbridge Show on 27th July. Aldborough & Boroughbridge Agricultural Show
I am, however, going to the Potterman Studio this afternoon – www.thepotterman.co.uk – to do a bit of work on the wheel. I’m going to concentrate on one particular shape, and discard any that I’m not happy with. I’ll then use these pots to further develop a decorating technique that I’ve been working on. It’s a technique that I haven’t seen anywhere else – yet – and one that I think has much potential. It’s something that’s good to work on in the winter, so any pots I make this summer will help to keep me happily occupied later in the year.
Glad About 
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