Tag: kindness

Being 65

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First published 6th January 2021

Photo by Robert Laszlo on Pexels.com

In one sense, this post should just be entitled ‘Being’, because age is irrelevant.

I interact with the world essentially as a being, and don’t need a label.

On the other hand, I do have history, and the ways that I have worked through that history impact on the way that I interact with the world – and other beings in it – on a daily basis.

It isn’t always easy to put the past behind us, especially when heavily loaded with emotions associated with trauma and grief.

Accepting things that I cannot change has been a hard life lesson to learn for me, helped by meditation, affirmations, and Buddhist teachings (including one in particular by Gen Togden of the Kadampa tradition).

Not having had children is a major regret. Raising this as an issue with a therapist recently, still needing to work it through, I was met with a profoundly uncompassionate response: “So you decided not to have them then, did you?”

At one level, she was right. I made choices – decisions – that led to me being in a state of extreme mental and emotional turmoil in my late 30s and 40s. Decisions that I made as a struggling, vulnerable young woman in my 20s were mine, and I was an adult. But should I really have had to pay such a high price in later life?

Shit does happen though, and doesn’t discriminate. Thankfully, I have had previous experiences with other counsellors/therapists who’ve approached my distress with humanity and empathy.

Even so, some things take a long time to work through. Some ‘stuff’ from the past has just come up that I thought I’d put behind me, or at least wanted to. It doesn’t always work like that though, and I’m sure my brain dredged it up now because I hadn’t properly dealt with it previously.

Now I’m in a much better place than I have ever been before, living with a kind, loving, supportive, funny partner. Being 65 is a starting point for me, and it’s never too late.

If I can send out a message to anyone who’s going through personal difficulties – whether recently experienced or long-term endured – it is to say: “Don’t give up.”

We don’t always know what we’re made of until our backs are to the wall, especially if we’ve oriented towards ‘flight’ rather than ‘fight’ in early years.

Fighting for survival is a primary motivator and there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you can’t see it for yourself, let someone else – a friend – see it and hold it for you until you can.

I’m only 65, and I’ve got all my life ahead of me. So have you.

Day 23

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

The usual Tuesday visit to my friend in the village was different today.

She is currently in a care home, arranged by her Personal Carer, J.

J. has power of attorney; M. has no nearby relatives. J. has been looking out for M. and looking after her for years. It would be difficult, I think, to find a more caring, kind and considerate friend than J.

Even so, it’s a big change for M.

Returning to my own home, I have a parcel waiting for me, containing some dental chews and chewing horns for Lydia. I give her one of the horns straight away and it’s keeping her happily occupied. Lydia’s happy, in her home, which was new and strange to her at one point. It was a big change for her coming here.

I hope M’s new home will be a good one for her.

Day 18

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Waking but not rested, I refer again to the RARE mantra this morning. (https://gladabout.life/2025/07/30/day-17-2/)

It helps me to recognise that the anxiety I have about being tired – and fear of never not being tired ever again – is a delusional thought.

I can then accept being tired for the time being and reduce the impact of my negative thoughts by thinking about something else.

Lydia and I have a dog field session booked for 9.30am so after a slow cup of tea (I don’t do quick these days) I get her ready to go out.

She is such a good girl when I call her to put on her harness and she then sits at the back door without me even having to ask her, waiting patiently until I give her the “OK”.

It’s great to see her bounding around the field as soon as I’ve taken off her harness and lead. She is so excited to catch up on all the smells and she does what she wants to do while I do some knee exercises.

I’ve realised this week that my knees are much improved in flexibility and I want to keep them that way. It’s so easy to become complacent and forget to do my exercises, but I need my knees!

Lydia gets some cardio-vascular exercise when she chases vans that pass on the track that runs along the other side of the fence, and follows my suggestion to have a drink of water after her exertions. We do a bit of “heel” reinforcement work and she’s very enthusiastic about taking the treats from my hand.

There is a moment, in the field, when the warmth of the sun combined with the gentle breeze feel absolutely perfectly balanced. It is a beautiful day.

Back home, Lydia has her breakfast and I have mine:  coffee – made by my partner, Trev – and fruity, nutty flapjacks – made by me.

Later I do some garden tidying. Lydia helps me as she often does when I’m working in the garden, and digs away, covering the area I’ve just brushed clean with fresh soil – how kind of her!

Day 16

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

After taking Lydia on our woodland walk this morning, I visited a friend in the village this afternoon.

We met through a befriending service and it feels like one of the best things I’ve done since I retired from doing paid work a few years ago. 

The service sets clear parameters, which means that I visit once a week for two hours a week. This has been good for me as I’ve had a lot going on in my life and I tend to try and do too much. 

The friend who I visit has dementia. She forgets things, struggles to concentrate and has lost a lot of confidence.  She has also lost through death the people who have been dearest to her in her life.  I’m not a counsellor, nor a carer, but I do try to reassure her and rebuild her confidence.

We usually have a few laughs when we’re together; she’s got a great sense of humour and a very kind heart.  It was lovely today to see her little cat cuddling up to her. It was like the cat wanted her to know how much she loves her.  That was how I saw it, anyway, and I told her so.

Coming home, and having not had any lunch, I ate a large bowl of salad greens that another friend has given me, freshly grown by her.  With some ‘French’ dressing – made from grain mustard, Italian olive oil, balsamic vinegar and a sprinkle of brown sugar – they tasted delicious.  A healthy snack to top-off a lovely afternoon. Even better – my partner is making us humous for tea.

Lydia is lying quietly by the open back door – she’s been outside again most of the day. She’s not in any hurry for her tea and neither am I. We can relax and enjoy some ‘Maggie and Lydi time’ too.

Affirmations

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First published 29 March 2020:

“I choose to be peaceful and calm. Everything is unfolding as it should.”

Affirmations can be hard to take on faith at the best of times. At times like this – and especially with an affirmation like this – it can be even harder.

On my daily walk with my partner, in the beautiful spring sunshine and along the peaceful country lanes around where we are lucky enough to live, I’ve stopped and said this affirmation out loud, and it has helped; helped me to remind myself that I can choose to respond to any given situation in a calm and peaceful way, providing I have control of my emotions and my mind. It might be hard, but not impossible. It is something that I can keep working towards being able to do, even if I can’t do it now.

I first started to use this affirmation a few months ago, when I was struggling with some very difficult work situations and high levels of associated anxiety.

I discovered it in a slightly different form at http://thinkup.me/affirm and my thanks go to the author of that article. (5 Recommended Positive Affirmations for Anxiety by Yvonne Williams Casaus, 26 December 2017)

After struggling with anxiety and depression for many years, I keep thinking that I’ve beaten them, only to be hit again by another wave.

The difference, though, between when I first started my personal battle with depression – in my teens – and now – in my 60s – is that I now have a well-stocked resource bank of strategies to fall back on.

Even so, the nature of the disease- and it is a dis-ease – is such that it can be hard to fall back on what we know works when we are at our lowest ebb. I also find that I no longer have the reserves of fighting energy that I used to have, but if I can at least find an affirmation that resonates with me – even on a leap of faith – then I am doing something positive to pull myself through.

The first time I came across affirmations was when I was going through a breakdown in my late thirties.

Suddenly reaching out – desperately, as I knew I was in danger of drowning and was definitely not waving – I found that there were sources of help and support around that I had never even heard about before or could imagine being available.

Counselling was one of these, meditation another, and I also came across a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay (1984).

In that book, as I recall, I identified an affirmation that reflected the exact opposite of how I was feeling:

“I am the love and beauty of life in full expression.”

At the time, I was feeling like the worst wretch that ever crawled the planet. But I knew I had to do something to turn my life around and so I took on board the affirmation and kept saying it to myself again and again and again. And it worked. Not on its own, not without me doing all sort of other things at the same time and ever since, but it helped to cure my warts (literally) and set me on the path to keep working and trying, never giving up.

This brings me to some more poetry, and Poetry Rule No. 28, Stand your ground when you need to; move when you don’t.

Sometimes

Sometimes
it isn’t as bad
as you think
it’s going to be
it isn’t even worse
as you hesitate
with anticipation
and brace yourself
to curse

Sometimes
you’re presently surprised
more than you thought
you could be
when you’re met with
some small kindness
unexpectedly

At times like these
it’s good to be wrong
in fact I would go
so far as to say
it’s a blessing
that’s been missing
for a long time
so, no messing
seriously

Sometimes
are better than
no times never
wouldn’t you
agree?

1998

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random – Glad About Life:
https://amzn.eu/d/6Ptwe4

A Woman, a Dog & a Blog – Writing into Life:
https://amzn.eu/d/6Ho21L8

Day 2

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Lydia – anticipating her breakfast today

Continuing the story of Lydia, Me and our Family of Three https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk

It’s an early start for Lydia and me; she’s going to the groomers.

When I first started taking her for grooming, around 3 years ago, she was very anxious and so was I.

I hadn’t taken a dog for grooming before; I hadn’t had a dog before.

Lydia must have had some previous grooming interventions as her claws were not overly long and her coat, though clearly in need of a good brushing, was not in bad condition.

Even so, there must have been a few pounds of fur on the floor by the end of that session.

We’ve been back every 4 to 6 weeks since, and we have both become steadily less anxious at each visit.

This is at least in part because of the kind, confident, patient approach taken by Vicky, the groomer.  Between us we talk to Lydia, reassure her, and I feed her treats while Vicky does the clipping and brushing.

Today, Lydia jumps up on to the grooming table without even having to be asked. Her front and back claws are quickly clipped and Vicky then goes on to brushing and thinning her coat, which is wavy, thick and soft; a beautiful sandy colour with grey undertones.

I’ve put a muzzle on Lydia, just to be on the safe side. She can feed and drink through it, and it helps to make sure that, between us, we can get the job done.

We opted for minimal intervention, right at the start. Lydia doesn’t have a bath or a shower. After half an hour of clipping and brushing she’s had enough.  We say our goodbyes to Vicky and head out for our morning walk, to a quiet spot nearby.

Lydia walks to heel with me most of the way, hardly pulling or tugging at all.

We arrive home. Lydi and I have our respective breakfasts. Trev’s already had his.

It’s Tuesday and I’ll visit my friend in the village later. For now, I rest, Lydia rests, Trev rests. He’s going to the gym later but we can all take it easy for a while. We’re retired.