It was snowing again this morning when I got up and I decided to take Lydia out straight away, in case it settled and the roads became impassable.
I put two layers of gloves on, a thermal pair underneath a fingerless pair, and my hands felt significantly less cold than they had the day before.
Lydia wore her raincoat again and we had a short walk in a field that I call ‘Quiet Field’ because I used to take her to it regularly when I needed somewhere that was fairly guaranteed to be away from the sight of other dogs.
The snow was still coming down and I was conscious of not wanting to be stuck on a hill on the way home.
I needn’t have worried as the snow stopped as we left the field and the day brightened up from there.
Lydia and I had another walk in the afternoon to make up for our shorter than usual one in the morning.
Taking on board some learning from last night’s Buddhist group meeting, I started to read again a book that I previously read some time ago: ‘How to Transform Your Life’ by Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso Rinpoche.
I also made some notes, to help with recall, and it felt good to be able to read again, as I haven’t been able to for a while.
So, all in all it’s been a good Thursday, rounded off with a Chinese takeaway – delivered – for me and Trev.
I also bought some new treats for Lydia to try, doing a bit of shopping on my way to a yoga class.
Just relaxing in front of the telly now. And tomorrow is another day.
Up, showered and dressed before 9am, I had a couple of cups of tea before heading out with Lydia.
Seeing a horse and rider coming towards us at one point during our walk, I headed down into a dip, slipping on to my arse and scrambling up the other side, Lydia following on the way down and leading on the way up.
We had cover behind some trees but she was still aware of the horse and rider as they passed. I was so proud of her, as I encouraged her to “sit” – with a treat-reward, of course – and then “wait”, repeating this a few times so that she didn’t have to wait too long between treat-rewards. She didn’t bark or lunge at all, and we waited a few moments before doing the dip and up again back to where we were before – again with me on my bum for the ‘down’ bit.
Later in the morning I did another tip run, clearing stuff out of the garage. There’s more to do but it was a good load off my mind.
After a short rest I changed my, by now, muddy trousers, put on some make-up, made sure my hair was OK, then went out to see my friend M. We went out for coffee and scones, to a Morrisons café which offers great value, lovely scones and refillable mugs of coffee. The company and conversation were the best bit though. M. has a heart of gold.
After doing some shopping on the way home, giving Lydia her tea and putting the dinner in the oven – a chicken with vegetables, all roasted together in a dish – I did the final preparations for taking some pots to a small gallery tomorrow – the Dovecot Gallery in Styrrup near Doncaster. They are to be featured in their Christmas show/sale, so it’s good to be prepared well in advance.
They are small pots, and not perfectly formed by any means, but hopefully that is all part of their appeal. We shall see.
The theme for tonight’s Buddhist meeting – as it will be for the next few meetings – is ‘embracing change’.
I’ve been doing my best to ‘change my mind’ for a long time. It’s a slow process, for me, but one that I’m committed to. I listen, I meditate, I reflect and, one way or another, I change.
I hope – pray – that the process of change is also bringing about healing. I think it is.
Our usual teacher is away, so the teaching is given by a nun from the Centre.
We meditate on death and impermanence, which may sound morbid, but acknowledging and facing the inevitability of death does make sense to me, and I listen intently.
I don’t feel I have to fully understand and remember everything that I hear, and I certainly don’t. My powers of recall are not that good, and it is a process of gradual assimilation anyway.
There was a lot of emphasis on being able to let go of attachments that we acquire and accumulate in this life. I’ve not necessarily been that good at acquiring and attaching but then I’ve historically not been very good at letting go either.
After greeting me when I got home, Lydia has now settled down to sleep, on her favourite rug. She looks totally adorable and relaxed.
I’ll just sit for a while before I too settle down for the night.
I don’t need to set an alarm for tomorrow morning – we can just sleep as long as we want to and get up when we’re ready. Luxury!
When I wake this morning I hear the sound of rain, and my thoughts go to the reminder that has come through the Buddhist teachings: welcome wholeheartedly whatever. I also think of RARE: recognise, address, reduce and eliminate delusional thoughts.
I’ve always liked the sound and feel of rain and generally been an all-weather girl, providing I’ve been wrapped up to face the elements or under cover to relish being cosy and dry. I have loved this long summer though, with the warm and sunny weather that we’ve had and thought I would miss it more than I am doing.
After a cup of tea, a recitation of the meditation prayers to myself (I don’t feel up to chanting them out loud at the moment, not when I’m on my own, anyway), and a meditation followed by the Liberating Prayer*, Lydia and I get ready to go out.
It’s a later start than usual, still damp outside and as we start our walk there is some very fine rain. Not enough to make me wish I’d worn a hood or anywhere near enough to persuade Lydia to wear her raincoat. She really doesn’t like to wear a raincoat and I only persist in getting her to wear one if it is particularly cold and icy. Today it is still warm and the rain holds off as we walk.
It’s quiet, with only a dog walker who I regularly see passing by in her van. I wave, Lydia starts to lunge, I ask her to sit, and she does. What a clever girl. She is doing so well.
Back home, after putting her bag of ‘poopie’ in the bin, I wash my hands and give Lydia her breakfast in her food ball. Before I have my breakfast, I put some dry washing away and put some more in the machine. It’s good to keep on top of housework and doing a bit at a time works for me. I’m not a domestic goddess but I do like a clean house, even if it’s not clean all over all the time. I do it on a sort of rota basis as I concentrate on other priorities. There’s a part of me that wishes I could be motivated to go round the house with a duster every day but I’m not.
Lydia tries to get me to give her some more food but I resist. I do, however, take a bag of cooked chicken pieces out of the freezer, to give her as a surprise treat later when they’re defrosted. For now, she’s lying just a couple of yards away, watching me type and looking very relaxed.
It’s just the two of us at the moment as Trev’s away visiting places in the UK that I don’t want to visit. It’s Corfe Castle for him today. For me it’s the Buddhist class tonight.
Quite where I would be if I hadn’t had access to these teachings, I don’t know, except that I think I do, and it wouldn’t be a good place. Thankfully, I am in a good place and I’ll keep working at it to keep it that way.
My thoughts turn to a friend who introduced me to Buddhism many years ago. He’s not in a good place at the moment so I hold him in my thoughts for a while and hope that he soon is.
Lydia and I seem to have had a bit of a breakthrough in terms of how we manage encounters with dogs and moving vehicles while out walking.
While I’ve been using positive reinforcement with her for over three and a half years, I’ve most recently been practising this with a “sit” and “wait” command combination. I’ve also been asking her to “sit” and “wait” before we go out of the back door and again before we go out of the back gate. She’s been getting really used to this and will now often do an impromptu sit before we go through the door.
Using the same “sit” and “wait” combination is now starting to work with her when we see a dog – from a distance – and also when we’re on a road and have cars passing by. I hold her on a short lead, reward her immediately for the “sit” and reward the “wait” providing she doesn’t bark or lunge. I also add a lot of reassurance and extra treats and praise afterwards, as I know her fears are still triggered by these experiences, but it does feel like a big step forward. We’re both doing our best to learn and I hope that we can continue to build on this.
I’ve had to do a lot of learning in my life, including a lot of hard life lessons. Learning can be a good way of avoiding being taught (self-management rule no. 35).
It was also good to see a field of still-flowering sunflowers when we were out today. It may be September, but there are still signs of summer.
A few months ago I had high levels of anxiety which manifested in various ways.
I became highly stressed about my car, as I was having problems with the gears and I started to catastrophise about ‘worst case scenarios’, knowing the extent to which I need my car for daily walks with Lydia.
I pushed through on positives as best I could at the time, the worst-case scenario didn’t present itself and my car has been fine for a few months.
Recently, I’ve started having problems with the gears again.
In the intervening months I’ve taken a lot of time to rest and continue to practice meditation, yoga and Qigong.
I write my blog, in 28-day cycles. The process of writing is proving to be very therapeutic. I’ve written intermittently and irregularly for years but not in the same way as I do now.
My daily walks with Lydia have also been therapeutic, giving us both a good start to the day with regular exercise, fresh air and that all important connection with the natural world. In Lydia’s case a lot of her connection is through her nose; for me it is more a sense of the air around me and the ground under my feet; the slow steady movement of walking.
This time I haven’t experienced high levels of anxiety about my car problems. It’s been a minor inconvenience which Trev has helped me with by picking me up from the garage when I dropped it off this morning. It should be ready later this morning and may need a new clutch in the longer term.
Anxiety, I’m sure, arises from past experiences when we’ve needed to address a problem, and haven’t been able – for whatever reason – to find and implement a solution; where everything fell apart and we had no help in finding ways to put things back together. We’ve learnt to ‘not cope’ and to retreat instead of establishing ways of knowing what to do and how.
When I was younger, I had none of the personal resources and resilience that I have now. I wasn’t taught any coping strategies as any assertion on my part would have upset the status quo, however uneasy that status quo was (and it most certainly was uneasy, at best).
However, through experience and reflection I’ve done my best to learn and change, to take responsibility for the things that make up day-to-day life and to see and do things differently.
I still rely on a small dose of anti-depressant medication every day, but the main processes I use are the ones that are active not passive. Moving from passive to active has been the major achievement of my life. The mental effort it has taken has been enormous and sustained, which is why, at the moment, I need to rest a lot as well. Re-focusing and re-prioritising takes time and I need to continue to trust in the process, however frightening the prospect of uncertainty may seem. I’ve come a long way, just in the last few months. I’m not going back now.
Lydia has been less inclined to tug on her lead so far this week, in whatever walking places we’ve been to.
It’s a slow process, unlearning ingrained responses to situations and re-learning new approaches.
I know that myself because that’s what I’ve been doing myself, for a very long time: learning to change negative thought patterns and actions to positive ones.
For Lydia, I’ve taken guidance from a behaviourist and from on-line learning, applying and repeating what I believe are sound principles and recognising that there are no quick-fix solutions.
For myself, I’ve learnt what I could from experience and taken guidance from sources that I believe are sound, including Buddhist teachings and meditation practices. Again, there are no quick-fix solutions.
It’s hard to find a balance sometimes, between accepting things as they are, and not giving up.
I have by no means given up on anything although, at the moment, I do feel tired, mentally and emotionally.
There is no Buddhist group meeting this week – due to a summer break.
I’ve twice sat down to meditate on my own today, once this morning and again this afternoon. I much prefer to meditate in a group, but the main thing is that I am doing my best to do it on my own, and when I feel tired.
My ‘old’ way would have been to do nothing because I didn’t know what to do. I do now.
This may not seem like the most momentous achievement or purchase of the century, but for me, in the context of my life, it is.
It marks the point where I do, finally, know that I am in control of my life.
Over 40 years ago, I had a car but didn’t even have £5.00 to put petrol in it.
I’ve had a few car breakdowns since then but none as major as the personal breakdowns I’ve had to recover from.
There were times when I thought that my life was a write-off, and I had no insurance policy to fall back on; only a belief that I couldn’t give up, however hard it got.
And I didn’t.
My life’s journey has been about retraining my brain – to think differently; see things differently; do things differently.
So, today, I drive my car with two new front tyres and, though a little tired myself, feel a strong sense of relief.
I had a lovely walk with Lydia this morning, and a lovely afternoon with a friend.
I am no longer ‘locked in’, nor am I ‘locked out’. I am free to be, and to be me.
That doesn’t mean I can or want to be complacent; quite the opposite. I want to make the most of every day: learn, experience, reflect, be open to possibilities, accept what I can’t change; appreciate what I have.
I had a lovely visit with friends yesterday. They lifted me.
I was late arriving at their house. There had been a road accident and I struggled to find an alternative route. When I phoned them to let them know about my delay, they made sure that I realised it didn’t matter – they just wanted to see me. This meant such a lot to me.
I rested into most of the rest of the evening on my return home, after giving Lydia her tea.
I’m continuing to feed her all her food by hand, as training rewards, either when we’re out on a walk, or at home for her evening meal.
The big treat for Lydia, as part of her evening meal, is a raw bone. Today it’s a chicken drumstick. She waits for 90 seconds on “stay” and then bounds towards me when I say “here”. Lydia loves her raw bone[1]. It’s a high value treat that provides a really good opportunity to reinforce the training and learning we’re doing together.
Trev went out to buy our tea – fish and chips. We have some great chippies round here. I like mine with curry sauce. He has mushy peas. This is a high value treat for us.
A phone call from another good friend also meant the world to me and I slept with a much easier mind that I’d had the other day.
This morning, I wake around 8am.
At some point during the night Lydia went downstairs to continue her sleep in her favourite armchair. She has a bed in the bedroom which she loves but also loves that chair.
When I go down in the morning to make a cup of tea, she turns from her sleeping position onto her back, with floppy paws.
This is my invitation to tickle her tummy, although these days it’s more of a massage.
I concentrate on her neck, upper arms and chest, rather than her tummy. I’m not a trained masseuse, either human or canine, but I focus on muscles and areas where she might be holding a bit of tension. She makes some soft gurgling noises so I think I must be doing OK. To finish, I take hold of each of her paws in turn and give them a bit of a rub. This will, in turn, help her to feel more comfortable when her paws are being held for claw clipping.
Lydia and I have our woodland walk today.
I do some heel reinforcement work on our walk across the field towards the wood, and the walk itself is easy. I only have to do an occasional turnabout if Lydia starts to tug, but she’s not doing much tugging at all. After a full circuit, I decide to go back and do the walk again, from the other direction.
My right knee, that I’ve had a few problems with recently, is much better.
I’m lucky. At 69 I have no serious physical ailments or infirmities to contend with.
To improve the condition and flexibility of my knees, I’ve been doing some physio exercises that I was taught. I also rub in ‘wear and tear’ lubricating gel, morning and evening, take a good quality multi-vitamin and mineral supplement for joint care, and repeat an affirmation:
“My knee is healing, and getting stronger, each passing day.”
It’s easy to forget, when things are going well, what it’s taken to get to that point.
So, I’ll continue with my maintenance regime, and hopefully continue to enjoy the benefits of healthy knees.
[1] Dogs should never be given cooked bones. Raw bones may not be suitable for all dogs. Consultation should always be made with a qualified canine nutritionist and/or vet.
Glad About 
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