Tag: meditation

About Time

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 First published 1st March 2022

When I went through a major breakdown in my late thirties, one of the many things I struggled to come to terms with, as I fought my way back to functionality, was the sense of all the ‘wasted time’ that had gone into building a life that at that stage had come to ‘nothing’.

Roll on more than a quarter of a century, and I’ve had a significant shift in mindset. As each day unfolds, I feel a strong sense of being gifted with it; of having all the time in the world. ‘Making the most of it’ can mean anything I want it to mean, whether that be resting, walking, making something out of clay, washing up, doing housework, doing nothing.

So, how did I get from where I was to where I am now?

I’m not sure, because it’s all a bit of a blur, but I know I’ve done a lot of meditating, a lot of searching, a lot of turning myself inside out, of fighting the thoughts that threatened to pull me into despair, a lot of reaching out, falling, getting up again and trying something else.

Sometimes the last push is the hardest and coming to terms with things that I couldn’t change took some doing.  At around the same time that I had a counsellor who was determined to avoid the key issues that I needed to address, I came across a Buddhist teaching that helped me enormously: https://madhyamaka.org/how-to-accept-what-cant-be-changed/.

The lingering sadness associated with not having been able to form a family of my own has taken a different turn recently, in the form of a furry friend.  She’s not a baby; she’s an adult dog. However, she’s done something to my heart that’s filled a gap I never thought could be filled. Time isn’t about what’s past or ‘lost’, it’s about being here and now, with my partner, and our dog.

 

Day 24

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Writing into Life, more

Tonight’s Buddhist class completes the five-week course on ‘Embracing Change’.

Change can happen in so many ways, on so many levels. 

In my experience, I have not always known why I have not been able to ‘let go’ and move on at times. I think, now, I have more insight into why, and it’s because of the deep inner healing that I needed to do.  It’s understandable to want to do that in a safe way, at a safe time, so that when the wound is exposed, it won’t be subject to any more damage.

Sometimes, however, circumstances force us to push through pain on a survival basis. How amazing then, to be in those circumstances and somehow find that you have got access to the support that you need to heal, from sources that in the past you could not have even imagined existed, yet somehow, they do. That’s where I’m at now. 

And, for now, I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing; different things on different days. Today it was painting, white emulsion on walls; tomorrow I’ll go to pottery in the afternoon.  Walking Lydia, of course, in the mornings, is such a good thing, I’m pretty sure for both of us. Meditating, practising yoga and Qigong, listening to the teachings of Buddha passed on through the Kadampa lineage. Meeting up with friends, chatting with neighbours. More painting of walls until that job is done, then I’ll move on to do something else.  I know this is all leading to further change, and I am becoming more able to embrace the uncertainty of what lies ahead.

Day 14

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Writing into Life, more

Lydia and I did a double circuit of the woodland walk today. She was a bit reluctant to go round again, but soon started to enjoy more sniffs and it gave us both a good dose of fresh autumn air and gentle cardiovascular exercise.

Did some cupboard clearing and cleaning later, with a few things loaded into my car, ready for a tip run tomorrow.

I’ve had regular resting sessions between my exertions, meditating from a horizontal position which may not follow the guidance to the letter, but it’s worked for me today. Feeling much calmer – more of the time – than a few days ago.  It’s also helped enormously having support from friends. So lucky to have them in my life, including Lydia, of course. A very faithful friend.

Day 10

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Writing into Life, more

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‘Change’ continues to be theme of the Buddhist class teachings at the moment – tonight will be week 3 of a 5-week course.

There’s a lot of internal and external change going on for me at the moment.

Historically, I’ve worked through a lot of change, in different ways, but more is on it’s way, rising from deep within and arising from outside sources.

This is leading me to feel a resurgence of anxiety that I had a massive bout of a while back, earlier in the year.  Then, I was waking with fear in my gut, leading to nausea and retching.  The retching isn’t so bad just now, I think largely because of a lot of the work I’ve been doing to keep myself calm, through meditation, yoga, Qigong, walking, working with clay. Even so, I’m having to work really hard today to achieve a sense of calm, and I can’t concentrate for very long at all.  So, I’ve chosen to rest into it, not push myself, and to focus on bringing my awareness to the absence of any immediate threats.  The fear that I’m feeling is in my mind, to do with past experiences and the unknowns of the future. But I’m OK today. That’s what I tell myself and keep telling myself. I’m OK today.

Lydia showed signs of fear this morning when we saw a dog in the distance. The other dog – Elkie – is one we’ve seen before and her owner is sensitive to our needs. He makes sure his dog doesn’t get too close to Lydia while I make sure that I keep the distance from our side too.  I do what I can to help and talk her through the experience in what I hope is a reassuring way.  She still growls, snarls, barks and tries to lunge, but I hold her on a short lead while stroking her head and ears. We turn to walk in the opposite direction, she has a good shake, and I start using the “heel” command combined with “Yes” and treats to mark and reward. It isn’t long before she’s settled down fairly soon to a steady pace and we resume our walk. I tell her how well she’s done and even though I don’t think she understands this, I hope she picks up the praise from my tone of voice at least. She gets more “good girl” treats as we’re going along. I also repeatedly tell her that we’re OK, that she’s OK, that we’re all OK.

We’ve both still got a long way to go to work through our fears, and all we can do is keep trying, following the guidance we’ve been given, learning, reflecting reviewing, and repeating as and when needed, for as long as it takes.

Day 4

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Writing into Life, more

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A friend told me recently that she had started to suffer from anxiety.

It had taken her by surprise as she loves her life, and considers the anxiety to be a chemical imbalance, that she is addressing through prescription medication.

I remember once feeling so frustrated when a GP described my mental health difficulties as a chemical imbalance. For me, medication has only ever been part of the equation, because of the complex nature of my experiences.

While I continue to rely on a daily dose of anti-depressant medication – a maintenance dose – I continue to additionally find my own ways of addressing internal imbalance, through the practises of Qigong, yoga, meditation and so on.

With no pottery session planned this afternoon, I’m booked in for an additional yoga class.

Lydia and I have had a walk together and she is now enjoying some time out in the back yard – her yard.

I’ve done a bit of housework so far, made and drunk some coffee, had some breakfast – a crusty roll with blackcurrant jam.

It may not be the most exciting start to the most exciting day, but it is just a start.

Later …

I do some front yard work  – tidying, sweeping, cleaning – in preparation for the winter ahead. It’s good to do focused physical work, outside in the fresh air. And good to keep up my momentum of ‘a bit at a time’. Things are gradually getting done.

Day 3

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Writing into Life, more

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The theme for tonight’s Buddhist meeting – as it will be for the next few meetings – is ‘embracing change’.

I’ve been doing my best to ‘change my mind’ for a long time. It’s a slow process, for me, but one that I’m committed to. I listen, I meditate, I reflect and, one way or another, I change.

I hope – pray – that the process of change is also bringing about healing. I think it is.

Our usual teacher is away, so the teaching is given by a nun from the Centre.

We meditate on death and impermanence, which may sound morbid, but acknowledging and facing the inevitability of death does make sense to me, and I listen intently.

I don’t feel I have to fully understand and remember everything that I hear, and I certainly don’t. My powers of recall are not that good, and it is a process of gradual assimilation anyway.

There was a lot of emphasis on being able to let go of attachments that we acquire and accumulate in this life.  I’ve not necessarily been that good at acquiring and attaching but then I’ve historically not been very good at letting go either.

After greeting me when I got home, Lydia has now settled down to sleep, on her favourite rug.  She looks totally adorable and relaxed.

I’ll just sit for a while before I too settle down for the night.

I don’t need to set an alarm for tomorrow morning – we can just sleep as long as we want to and get up when we’re ready. Luxury!

Day 1

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Writing into Life, more

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Starting this latest 28-day cycle of writing into life on a Mental Health Monday, I have so far meditated and had a walk with Lydia.

I collected her from the boarding kennels this morning where she has been staying for a couple of nights. I had a night out in town with two friends on Saturday and a duvet day on Sunday.

Cocktails and a Thai curry in good company made a welcome change and Lydia had a change of environment as well. We all need it sometimes.

I’m booked into yoga this afternoon, followed by a Qigong class.

I’m struggling with low mood and low energy levels. For now, I don’t think there is anything I can do other than what I am doing.  There are no ‘quick fixes’ so I approach the situation as positively as possible, keeping a focus on health and wellbeing and remembering to be glad that I am so fortunate to have my health and a reasonable level of fitness; not something to be taken for granted.

The day is mild, with blue sky and sunshine, albeit damp from the weekend’s rain. 

Lydia has had her second breakfast – they’d fed her before I picked her up from the kennels this morning but she still demanded – and got – her breakfast ball with her usual supply. We all need a bit of a ‘bonus ball’ sometimes. She’s now outside enjoying being back in her domain.

Over the last couple of weeks, while I’ve had a writing ‘holiday’, I’ve been bringing my focus closer to my own domain: my home; our home. Home isn’t something to be taken for granted either. I’ve always been fortunate to have one, one way or another.

Over the next few months – through the winter – I’m going to concentrate on giving care and attention to the edges and corners in our home – the bits that often get missed with a general sweep and ‘hoover’ round. I’ve never been the best at spring cleaning so I’m going to do it over the winter instead.  Then, when spring comes, I’ll be free to do other things instead.  That’s my plan; that’s what I’ll do. It may not be the most exciting plan on the planet, but it’s mine.

Paperback versions of my two latest books are now available on Amazon:

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random: writing into life

https://amzn.eu/d/eYRAkLi

A Woman, a Dog & a Blog: glad about life

https://amzn.eu/d/iLQfyIi

Day 27 – home

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Writing into Life

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The sun came out again today, so Lydia enjoyed a bit of outside time in the yard, as well as our morning walk.

My meditation before the walk felt deeper, somehow. I can’t find any other words to describe it at the moment, but will just acknowledge that there was a change, and continue with the practice.

Other than that, it’s just been a domestic day, stocking up on shopping, putting it away, giving Lydia a raw lamb rib as a special treat.

Trev returns; Lydia’s tail wags. We order a Chinese and watch a bit of telly. It’s good just to relax into a Sunday evening.

Day 26 – lifting

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Writing into Life

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When I wake, my thoughts again go round to different people in my life.

Then a message from a friend invites me round for a curry at her house later.  It’s a welcome invitation which I gladly accept. I’ve started being able to say ‘yes’ to things again.  While I still want and need lots of time to do little or nothing, it will be good to spend a few hours with my friend.

Lydia, I think, is missing the warm weather as it’s raining again today.  We had our morning walk without getting too wet and I’ve now turned the heating on in the house. 

Trev has the ‘Nest’ app on his phone so I adjusted the thermostat controls manually. He would have done it remotely if I’d asked but he may well be in the middle of a museum visit, or driving. There’s an app for pretty much everything these days but it’s good to not be totally dependent on them either.

Having finished the last episode of the latest series of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’ last night, I decide to start watching the latest series of MAFS: New Zealand.  I haven’t done this much binge-watching since Covid but it’s good at the moment just to switch off and watch.

Later …

Before setting off to visit my friend, I meditate for about 20 minutes.  After curry combined with kind conversation, I feel a small but still perceptible change in mood; something shifting and lifting. The lift, like the invitation, is very welcome.

Day 23 – rain

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Writing into Life

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When I wake this morning I hear the sound of rain, and my thoughts go to the reminder that has come through the Buddhist teachings: welcome wholeheartedly whatever. I also think of RARE: recognise, address, reduce and eliminate delusional thoughts.

I’ve always liked the sound and feel of rain and generally been an all-weather girl, providing I’ve been wrapped up to face the elements or under cover to relish being cosy and dry. I have loved this long summer though, with the warm and sunny weather that we’ve had and thought I would miss it more than I am doing.

After a cup of tea, a recitation of the meditation prayers to myself (I don’t feel up to chanting them out loud at the moment, not when I’m on my own, anyway), and a meditation followed by the Liberating Prayer*, Lydia and I get ready to go out. 

It’s a later start than usual, still damp outside and as we start our walk there is some very fine rain. Not enough to make me wish I’d worn a hood or anywhere near enough to persuade Lydia to wear her raincoat.  She really doesn’t like to wear a raincoat and I only persist in getting her to wear one if it is particularly cold and icy.  Today it is still warm and the rain holds off as we walk.

It’s quiet, with only a dog walker who I regularly see passing by in her van. I wave, Lydia starts to lunge, I ask her to sit, and she does.  What a clever girl.  She is doing so well.

Back home, after putting her bag of ‘poopie’ in the bin, I wash my hands and give Lydia her breakfast in her food ball. Before I have my breakfast, I put some dry washing away and put some more in the machine.  It’s good to keep on top of housework and doing a bit at a time works for me.  I’m not a domestic goddess but I do like a clean house, even if it’s not clean all over all the time. I do it on a sort of rota basis as I concentrate on other priorities. There’s a part of me that wishes I could be motivated to go round the house with a duster every day but I’m not.

Lydia tries to get me to give her some more food but I resist.  I do, however, take a bag of cooked chicken pieces out of the freezer, to give her as a surprise treat later when they’re defrosted. For now, she’s lying just a couple of yards away, watching me type and looking very relaxed.

It’s just the two of us at the moment as Trev’s away visiting places in the UK that I don’t want to visit. It’s Corfe Castle for him today. For me it’s the Buddhist class tonight.

Quite where I would be if I hadn’t had access to these teachings, I don’t know, except that I think I do, and it wouldn’t be a good place.  Thankfully, I am in a good place and I’ll keep working at it to keep it that way.

My thoughts turn to a friend who introduced me to Buddhism many years ago. He’s not in a good place at the moment so I hold him in my thoughts for a while and hope that he soon is.

*Composed by the Venerable Geshe Kelsang Rinpoche and recited at Kadampa meditation centres throughout the world: https://kadampa.org/podcast/the-liberating-prayer