Tag: mental health

Day 1

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'3 Comments

Writing again

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After a two-week break, I’m back writing again.

It seems fitting to start this latest cycle of writing on a Mental Health Monday. So, it was a walk with Lydia this morning, yoga and Qigong this afternoon.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been busy with work on the house, doing some decorating, and I’m now starting on a phase of going round, room by room, clearing, cleaning, sorting.

Just as well then, that I’ve given myself a recharge boost with a weekend at the Buddhist Centre, with teachings and meditation sessions included as part of the course. I’ve also arranged to volunteer at the Centre one afternoon a week, which is an opportunity to put some skills and experience to good use, learn new things and meet new people.

For now, then, I’ve got a good complement of different activities and interests during the week, without being too structured or rigid and with plenty of time to rest or do other things as they arise.  I know I’ll want and need to review what I do at some point in the future as I look for new challenges and further growth, but I’ve got what I hope is a reasonable balance for the time being.

I continue to reflect on how fortunate I am to have my health, fitness and circumstances to be able to do what I do.

Thankfully, also, Lydia is fit and healthy too.

We’ll keep walking and working together and I’ll keep writing. They’re all good things to do.

Hard Core

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First published 17 August 2022

Breaking big rocks into smaller rocks: the hard-core approach to mental health recovery was the title of an article I wrote in 2013. It was published in a journal by the Royal College of Psychiatrists:

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I was surprised, though, that there was no follow up from that. Nobody from the world of psychiatry or related fields sought to make further enquiry about the approach I was taking to rehabilitate myself back into a relatively healthy state of mind.

I think maybe it was because what I was doing seemed quite bizarre: undertaking hard physical labour involving a large sledgehammer and a lot of rocks. And yet the improvements I found in my mental well-being were significant and lasted for several weeks after I returned to my day job, based in an office.

While I don’t believe that all aspects of my complex mental health needs would have been resolved by continuing to do rigorous physical endeavour all day, every day, the experience certainly had a part to play in my overall recovery.

And the principle of breaking things down into smaller chunks is one that I work with every day.

How else do you create hard core?

The midges danced around me … and sometimes they kissed me

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 First published 20th June 2022

I’d prepared well for my trip to Iceland. But nothing had prepared me for the wild and fragile beauty of the place. And never have I felt more in tune with nature in all its manifestations as when I entered the Jökulsarglijufur National Park.

Giant rock formations thrust and thundered their way out of the earth; solid and fluid at the same time. They looked as if they could be there for time immemorial and yet gone tomorrow as the cycle of changes continues to turn. Iceland is a place of mixtures and contrasts; of separateness and unity.

Young beech saplings, richly green, provided a delicate backdrop to purple meadowsweet and long-stalked buttercups. Anemones grew among the rocks and on the open heath, alongside thrift and heather.

Wandering off alone one evening after dinner, I lost myself in order to be replenished with a new sense of awe and wonder for those tiny things that keep singing and smiling and dancing and shining, night after night in that place that beckons and welcomes and yet turns cold and hostile to test the spirit and firm the resolve: the midges; the birds, the flowers.

I walked, I climbed, I turned, I fell, I closed my eyes, I clung
to a rock. I scrambled, I gasped and I grasped. I cried and
breathed and yelled and pleaded. I sought forgiveness. I felt despair (but only for a moment).

The midges guided me and the birds showed me how to flap my wings
to keep warm. I thanked them and rejoiced and sang and danced and
whistled and cried. After many twists and turns and loops and leaps, after crossing snow and stream, diving under branches, scrambling up hard rocks and across soft moss, the path became straight and broad and familiar.

Heading finally for sleeping bag and tent, I peeled off my cold,
damp clothes and piled on layer after layer, breathing warmth back into my bruised body for as long as I needed to.

I had survived but I had changed. Iceland survives but is changing. The change is being managed intuitively and generously, respectful of the needs of the wild and of those who need to escape to the wild to find a fleeting sense of freedom as a reminder of what we are, have been and always can be.

Goodbye midges. And thank you.

Au revoir Iceland. Bon voyage!

I wrote the above in 1995. Not long after that I spent two weeks as a voluntary inpatient in a psychiatric hospital, where my experience was described by a psychiatrist as a ‘psychotic episode’.

I’ve largely had to fight and find my own way through from that point to this, and never knew what to do with the piece that I wrote. In one sense it’s a piece of ‘travel writing’ and, as I feel more settled now in my head and my heart than I’ve ever been, I thought I might as well publish it on this blog.

 

Doing again

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First published 28 December 2021

At the turn of the Millennium, I completed a project under the Mind-Millennium Award Scheme.

My project – the Lifelines Project – involved collecting and publishing poems, pictures and self-help strategies from other people who, like me, had suffered from enduring and debilitating depression.

I had not met many of the contributors, and was amazed – honoured – that they trusted me with their personal expressions, all because of the underlying intention of reaching out in the hope of helping others.

If you, yourself, are suffering with depression, I would like to wish you well and tell you that you are not alone.”

Since then, there’s been increased awareness about mental health and how it can be improved.  While there remains much to be done in society from the ‘prevent’ and ‘promote’ perspectives, being able to – and even encouraged – to talk about mental health difficulties more openly represents a start.

In my own experience, I eventually got fed up of talking – I’ve never been much good at it anyway.  I knew that I needed to take action, to find ways of turning my life around, however difficult or painful that might be.  And I knew it would be difficult and painful, to rebuild from a below zero level when I was in my forties.

From somewhere, somehow, I found the resolve to put my head down, prioritise, and push myself through.  For a long time, I concentrated on work and on developing my internal resilience.  Just before I turned 60, I decided to take the plunge and commit to a relationship. I now have a much fuller and richer life than I have ever had before and I’m thankful for that.

Even so, life continues to be difficult and I still take antidepressants – probably always will. But I have other coping skills and strategies, and have also been able to recently retire, taking away work pressures that I could no longer deal with.

I wasn’t able to keep in touch with all the people who contributed to the Lifelines Project but they’ve always remained in my thoughts and I hope that they too have been able to find a way through; a way that works for each of them:

Sylvia

Marcia

Maggie 2

Peter

Virginia

Henzie

Maggie 3

Jonathan

Fiona

Sean

Christopher

Polly

Christine

Caz

John

Caroline

Frances

Susan

Patricia

Mary

Dave

Mark

Tony

Iain

 

 

A piece that I’m pleased with

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First published 29 September 2021

One aspect of depression that is a constant struggle is finding something – anything – to build up my self-esteem. To a certain extent I’ve learnt to live with it, knowing that the worst moments pass if I rest up and tune in to parts of my brain that I’ve trained, using positive processes such as meditation, and affirmations: “I choose to be peaceful and calm; everything is unfolding as it should.”

I’ve identified my own truths and ‘root causes’ of past problems, and arrived at a point – in a very long and arduous journey – where I felt I didn’t need to have any aspects of these verified or vindicated by any one or any thing. However, I have found it helpful recently to have discovered the work of Imi Lo. I went through her book – Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity: how to manage intense emotions as a highly sensitive person (John Murray Learning, 2018) – highlighting many passages that I felt applied directly to me. I urge anyone who has been deemed ‘over-sensitive’ and felt alienated one way or another as a result, to read and take hope from this book.

The author states in a key point (p.45):

We are not here to dismiss the validity of all mental health diagnoses, or the importance of appropriate treatment in the case of severe psychological trauma. But it is important to examine the root of your suffering: often, it may be a reflection of your natural tendencies, and a result of being misunderstood, rather than as a sign of defectiveness. We must be extra cautious to not reinforce any restrictive categories, diagnoses and stigma around emotional intensity.

In the final chapter of her book, Imi Lo identifies possibilities for tapping into our creative potential.

It’s possible to be creative in many ways – not just through the arts. I’ve been as creative as I could be at different stages in my life and through many different types of work. However, having arrived at the point when I’m now retired, giving me a new-found freedom that I relish, I’m loving being able to re-immerse myself in solving problems associated with art and design, construction and concepts.

A significant difference that I’ve noticed between how I feel about work that I produce now, compared with work that I produced when I was younger, is that now I can feel a sense of satisfaction about having produced it. I can ‘own it’, take pride in it, see it for what it is in the context of my life; a life that I’m glad to have.

My self-esteem still falls by the wayside sometimes, but – generally speaking – I’m in a much better place than I’ve ever been. It takes a bit of getting used to, but I’m determined to make the most of it, knowing that I am – after all ‘gifted’ rather than the waste of space I often felt my self to be.

Day 20

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Writing into Life, more

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I woke this morning feeling warm and rested, snug and toasty in bed, having slept for a good few hours. The symptoms of my cold are lingering, but I’m confident that I’ve past the point when it could have turned into a cough and possible chest infection.

After our morning walk and with Lydia suitably breakfasted, I make a pan of porridge for me and Trev, enjoying mine lightly salted and finished with brown sugar and some evaporated milk. I set aside a little of the unsweetened porridge for Lydia, so that she can have it as a bit of an extra with her tea. She has very few carbs in her diet generally, and I’m sure she’ll enjoy it for a change.

After going back to bed and resting for a while, I get up and resolve to make further inroads into clearing the garage. It does look a bit daunting when I open the door, but I make a start, and bit by bit make some progress.  This includes demolishing a cupboard with help from my Dad’s old lump hammer that was handily nearby. The cupboard had done sterling work for me for many years, first in my old house and then as garage storage in this one.  The shelves were starting to collapse and it was time for it to go, so I take it to the tip along with some other things that I know I am no longer going to need. After a bit of sweeping and reorganising, the garage now looks in reasonable order, with a few things lined up for me to take to a charity shop on Monday.

The physical effort was good for me and I’m lucky to be strong and fit enough to lift and carry the way I do at my age. I simply take my time, do things at my own pace, and rest when I need to.

So, this afternoon I have rested, leaving me with nothing much more to do this evening than to feed Lydia – she seems quite happy to wait for her tea at the moment – and write this blog. I took some chilli out of the freezer earlier, so Trev and I can have that with some rice when we are ready.

Day 10

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Writing into Life, more

Photo by Leeloo The First on Pexels.com

‘Change’ continues to be theme of the Buddhist class teachings at the moment – tonight will be week 3 of a 5-week course.

There’s a lot of internal and external change going on for me at the moment.

Historically, I’ve worked through a lot of change, in different ways, but more is on it’s way, rising from deep within and arising from outside sources.

This is leading me to feel a resurgence of anxiety that I had a massive bout of a while back, earlier in the year.  Then, I was waking with fear in my gut, leading to nausea and retching.  The retching isn’t so bad just now, I think largely because of a lot of the work I’ve been doing to keep myself calm, through meditation, yoga, Qigong, walking, working with clay. Even so, I’m having to work really hard today to achieve a sense of calm, and I can’t concentrate for very long at all.  So, I’ve chosen to rest into it, not push myself, and to focus on bringing my awareness to the absence of any immediate threats.  The fear that I’m feeling is in my mind, to do with past experiences and the unknowns of the future. But I’m OK today. That’s what I tell myself and keep telling myself. I’m OK today.

Lydia showed signs of fear this morning when we saw a dog in the distance. The other dog – Elkie – is one we’ve seen before and her owner is sensitive to our needs. He makes sure his dog doesn’t get too close to Lydia while I make sure that I keep the distance from our side too.  I do what I can to help and talk her through the experience in what I hope is a reassuring way.  She still growls, snarls, barks and tries to lunge, but I hold her on a short lead while stroking her head and ears. We turn to walk in the opposite direction, she has a good shake, and I start using the “heel” command combined with “Yes” and treats to mark and reward. It isn’t long before she’s settled down fairly soon to a steady pace and we resume our walk. I tell her how well she’s done and even though I don’t think she understands this, I hope she picks up the praise from my tone of voice at least. She gets more “good girl” treats as we’re going along. I also repeatedly tell her that we’re OK, that she’s OK, that we’re all OK.

We’ve both still got a long way to go to work through our fears, and all we can do is keep trying, following the guidance we’ve been given, learning, reflecting reviewing, and repeating as and when needed, for as long as it takes.

Day 8

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Writing into Life, more

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Yesterday I ate cake and nothing but cake. But I didn’t eat the whole cake.  I had some more for brunch today and there’s still plenty left. It’s just as well, then, that I like cake.

It’s quickly come back round to ‘Mental Health Monday’, with yoga and Qigong each concentrating on areas that I’m glad to have some help with, including joints, back and legs. All good for mind, body and spirit.

Lydia is learning not to bark at the sheep in a field close to where we start our woodland walk.  The field that the path to the wood cuts through is planted with a combination of brassicas and legumes that are still in the early stages of growing.  I haven’t seen this combination of planting before, and wonder if it will be a crop that matures before winter, or in the spring.  We shall see.

Although it is a signed public footpath through the field, I’m careful where I tread, to minimise impact on the crop. At the moment it doesn’t look like it’s getting much traffic other than from Lydia and me, but over the last few years it has been well trod throughout the year. 

Lydia spots a squirrel in a tree, but doesn’t seem too inclined to try and chase it.  She does sniff and pull a lot through the wood. On the way back, though, she’s more settled.  With a bit of encouragement from me, we walk past the sheep and get back to the car.  It’s a grey dampish day but thanks to Lydia I’ve had a chance to get some fresh air and exercise, and smell the smells of the earth and the autumn leaves.

Day 7

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Writing into Life, more

I wake this morning feeling lighter of heart than I have for a long time.

To celebrate, on the way home from my walk with Lydia, I stop off at the shop and buy the ingredients to make cake.

When I bake, I bake big, and I make lots of lemon and vanilla cake, including one for our new next-door neighbour.  So far, I haven’t properly introduced myself, although I did give him a friendly wave when I saw him in his car while I was out doing some work in the front yard last week.

Trev’s out so Lydia and I have some quiet time together while the cake is cooling down enough to sandwich layers together with lemon curd and vanilla icing.  I can tell it’s going to be exceedingly good cake.

Day 1

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Writing into Life, more

Photo by Ann H on Pexels.com

Starting this latest 28-day cycle of writing into life on a Mental Health Monday, I have so far meditated and had a walk with Lydia.

I collected her from the boarding kennels this morning where she has been staying for a couple of nights. I had a night out in town with two friends on Saturday and a duvet day on Sunday.

Cocktails and a Thai curry in good company made a welcome change and Lydia had a change of environment as well. We all need it sometimes.

I’m booked into yoga this afternoon, followed by a Qigong class.

I’m struggling with low mood and low energy levels. For now, I don’t think there is anything I can do other than what I am doing.  There are no ‘quick fixes’ so I approach the situation as positively as possible, keeping a focus on health and wellbeing and remembering to be glad that I am so fortunate to have my health and a reasonable level of fitness; not something to be taken for granted.

The day is mild, with blue sky and sunshine, albeit damp from the weekend’s rain. 

Lydia has had her second breakfast – they’d fed her before I picked her up from the kennels this morning but she still demanded – and got – her breakfast ball with her usual supply. We all need a bit of a ‘bonus ball’ sometimes. She’s now outside enjoying being back in her domain.

Over the last couple of weeks, while I’ve had a writing ‘holiday’, I’ve been bringing my focus closer to my own domain: my home; our home. Home isn’t something to be taken for granted either. I’ve always been fortunate to have one, one way or another.

Over the next few months – through the winter – I’m going to concentrate on giving care and attention to the edges and corners in our home – the bits that often get missed with a general sweep and ‘hoover’ round. I’ve never been the best at spring cleaning so I’m going to do it over the winter instead.  Then, when spring comes, I’ll be free to do other things instead.  That’s my plan; that’s what I’ll do. It may not be the most exciting plan on the planet, but it’s mine.

Paperback versions of my two latest books are now available on Amazon:

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random: writing into life

https://amzn.eu/d/eYRAkLi

A Woman, a Dog & a Blog: glad about life

https://amzn.eu/d/iLQfyIi