Tag: rest

Day 19

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Writing again

Photo by Thapelo Boateng on Pexels.com

Before and after going to the dog field with Lydia this morning, I did some work in the kitchen, finishing the decorating and cleaning, then putting things back but reducing clutter at the same time.  It does look and feel so much better.

Leaving Lydia to look after the house – Trev was still away but came back this afternoon – I headed over to the Buddhist Centre to do some volunteering for a few hours.

The work was outside. To begin with it felt a bit cold, but I had gloves, a hat, coat and boots. It wasn’t long before I took off the hat, coat and gloves, as the physicality of the work – sweeping – warmed me up. A few people – residents at the Centre – passed me as I was working and all made appreciative comments.  The young lady who was supervising me made sure that I was happy doing the work and insisted that I had a cup of tea before I left, which I did.

The satnav on the way home directed me on a different route to the one I normally take and it proved to be a calm and quiet drive, through villages lit up by Christmas lights – lovely.

Arriving home, I was glad I’d made the enchiladas the day before as all I had to do was turn the oven on before giving Lydia her tea and then having a bit of a rest.  Trev had returned home and it was good to watch a bit of telly.  It’s been a fairly full day, and a good one.

Day 27

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Writing into Life, more

Today I applied the second coat of paint to the walls of the landing and the stairs.

It’s good quality paint which flows well and only drips if I overload my brush, which I do – sometimes.

I wipe up drip spots as I’m going along, and make steady progress. In a few hours, it’s done.

I clean brushes, put clothes and cloths into the washing machine, then rest for a while. Lydia comes to join me.

I’ve got some more painting work lined up for tomorrow but for now I can just relax. Time to give Lydia her tea and make ours. I think it will be early to bed for me.

Day 20

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Writing into Life, more

Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels.com

I woke this morning feeling warm and rested, snug and toasty in bed, having slept for a good few hours. The symptoms of my cold are lingering, but I’m confident that I’ve past the point when it could have turned into a cough and possible chest infection.

After our morning walk and with Lydia suitably breakfasted, I make a pan of porridge for me and Trev, enjoying mine lightly salted and finished with brown sugar and some evaporated milk. I set aside a little of the unsweetened porridge for Lydia, so that she can have it as a bit of an extra with her tea. She has very few carbs in her diet generally, and I’m sure she’ll enjoy it for a change.

After going back to bed and resting for a while, I get up and resolve to make further inroads into clearing the garage. It does look a bit daunting when I open the door, but I make a start, and bit by bit make some progress.  This includes demolishing a cupboard with help from my Dad’s old lump hammer that was handily nearby. The cupboard had done sterling work for me for many years, first in my old house and then as garage storage in this one.  The shelves were starting to collapse and it was time for it to go, so I take it to the tip along with some other things that I know I am no longer going to need. After a bit of sweeping and reorganising, the garage now looks in reasonable order, with a few things lined up for me to take to a charity shop on Monday.

The physical effort was good for me and I’m lucky to be strong and fit enough to lift and carry the way I do at my age. I simply take my time, do things at my own pace, and rest when I need to.

So, this afternoon I have rested, leaving me with nothing much more to do this evening than to feed Lydia – she seems quite happy to wait for her tea at the moment – and write this blog. I took some chilli out of the freezer earlier, so Trev and I can have that with some rice when we are ready.

Day 17 – Yesterday

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Writing into Life

Today I woke feel rested at a very deep level; I could feel another shift, slowly but surely in a positive direction.  It doesn’t matter how slow; a small shift is a shift nonetheless.

Yesterday, after a short meditation combined with a cup of tea, I had a lovely walk with Lydia, a long lunch with a friend, did a bit – just a bit – of domestic activity in the afternoon, went to the Buddhist class in the evening and then, back at home, watched a couple of episodes of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’.  I also enjoyed, while watching the telly, a glass of red wine and some of the delicious houmous that Trev had made earlier.  A bag of cheese puffs rounded off the day nicely.

The themes of MAFSAU and the Buddhist class were the same: happiness.  It’s what we all seek, and we look for it in different ways in different places.

The Buddhist teachings tell me that happiness naturally arises from a calm and peaceful mind.  I now take this on faith and continue to do my best to put the teachings – including the meditation techniques – into practice.  This doesn’t mean that I have to deny myself all worldly pleasures, just recognise that they have their limits and are not a lasting source of happiness. This is what I now believe.

Though a slow process, my ongoing programme of wellbeing activities does seem to be working.

Although I could readily have gone back to bed this morning, after a walk with Lydia through the woods, I felt energised enough to start writing this blog, to check in with Trev, to confirm that I’d make a cottage pie later for tea, and to take my time to let the rest of the day unfold.  I’m booked in to a yoga class later. Tomorrow I’m going to the races but I don’t need to rush to do anything much more today.

I used to feel that I was falling short by not being able to build up and maintain a momentum.  I now recognise that if slow is the momentum that works for me, then slow is the momentum I’ll work with.

Day 15 – Change

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Writing into Life

 

After yesterday’s sensation of clarity and light emerging, today brings an inner pull into heavy and dark.

Recognising this as part of a process is important.  The dark thoughts are the deluded thoughts; the process of moving from dark to light takes time and effort; practice, patience and persistence.

Following an early visit with Lydia to Vicky the groomer and then a walk, after breakfast – kindly cooked for me by Trev in the form of porridge and a cup of fresh coffee – I went back to bed for a few hours. Lydia was also happy to rest.

It’s unusual for me, these days, to do this.  I do generally need to go to bed early and get up late when I can, but this morning it’s fair to say that I felt a pull into dark at a deep level and decided to rest.  I have enough positive activity built into my week generally to be able to give in to that inward pull occasionally, and today I needed to just be with it.

Yesterday I missed both yoga and Qigong as I had to get my car fixed.  I think this may have played no small part in how I feel today.  However, after a couple of hours resting, I get up, brush my hair, put on some make up, give Lydia some fuss, open the back door so that she can enjoy the fresh air, and start writing. 

Writing is helping me to process, just like other things are.  I’m visiting M in her care home this afternoon and we should be able to go outside into the garden as we usually do on a fine day. I enjoy reading to her; short stories from a magazine.  She usually dozes off when I do, which I take as no reflection on my reading style, just a sign that she is relaxed and comfortable in my company. I hope so. 

Before heading out I remember to meditate. I don’t have to sit cross-legged – thank goodness, because I couldn’t – but adopt a comfortable seated upright posture and focus on my breath. Fresh air coming through the back door helps.

 

 

 

Day 18

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Waking but not rested, I refer again to the RARE mantra this morning. (https://gladabout.life/2025/07/30/day-17-2/)

It helps me to recognise that the anxiety I have about being tired – and fear of never not being tired ever again – is a delusional thought.

I can then accept being tired for the time being and reduce the impact of my negative thoughts by thinking about something else.

Lydia and I have a dog field session booked for 9.30am so after a slow cup of tea (I don’t do quick these days) I get her ready to go out.

She is such a good girl when I call her to put on her harness and she then sits at the back door without me even having to ask her, waiting patiently until I give her the “OK”.

It’s great to see her bounding around the field as soon as I’ve taken off her harness and lead. She is so excited to catch up on all the smells and she does what she wants to do while I do some knee exercises.

I’ve realised this week that my knees are much improved in flexibility and I want to keep them that way. It’s so easy to become complacent and forget to do my exercises, but I need my knees!

Lydia gets some cardio-vascular exercise when she chases vans that pass on the track that runs along the other side of the fence, and follows my suggestion to have a drink of water after her exertions. We do a bit of “heel” reinforcement work and she’s very enthusiastic about taking the treats from my hand.

There is a moment, in the field, when the warmth of the sun combined with the gentle breeze feel absolutely perfectly balanced. It is a beautiful day.

Back home, Lydia has her breakfast and I have mine:  coffee – made by my partner, Trev – and fruity, nutty flapjacks – made by me.

Later I do some garden tidying. Lydia helps me as she often does when I’m working in the garden, and digs away, covering the area I’ve just brushed clean with fresh soil – how kind of her!

Day 14

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

After a long day at the Show, I’m enjoying a large g&t and reflecting on the list from yesterday’s post. My focus is on ‘Let ourselves be held’.

I’m not sure if this means emotionally, psychologically, spiritually or physically. Probably any or all four or a combination.

I’m not good at letting myself be held, and neither is Lydia.

She now lets me give her massages (the “rub-a-dub-dub” massages I’ve referred to in previous posts) but she still doesn’t let me fully ‘hold’ her when we’re out walking, in terms of believing that I will keep her safe.  She’s been too badly traumatised in the past.

I’ve had to be so self-reliant for much of my life that  I will always fall back on myself too. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, but historically I’ve tended to look out for others, while at the same time my own needs weren’t being met. That’s not because I’m a selfless saint, but it is because I really don’t want anyone to have to go through what I’ve been through in my life if there is anything I can do to help them not to.  I just don’t like that level of waste.

Looking again at the list, I’m drawn to ‘nourish our senses’.

My senses feel jaded, as if nothing is fresh and invigorating any more. This is where Lydia comes in to help, as I do find our walks together on a morning have a stimulating effect on my senses, even if it’s still at a low level of intensity.

I’m certainly much more open to ‘imperfection’ than I used to be. I can still be a bit obsessive about details, but more able to let things go.

I can only ‘do one thing at a time’ these days, and very slowly, so I’m doing OK there.                                         

I’m not always great at being able to ‘ask for help’ although at least I know now that help can be sought out. In the first half of my life, I had no idea that such a thing might be available, never mind what form it could take.

‘Expressing emotions’ is complicated, I find. I’ll keep  trying to work that one out.

I do ‘create daily rituals and routines’ although I tend to need to be flexible on timings and interpret this very broadly.

It may be a while yet before Lydia and I are both as relaxed as we need to be, but we’re working – and resting – on it.

The fact that my partner has just made a delicious meal while I’ve been resting helps enormously.

Day 13

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'3 Comments

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

The sawdust firing went well. All the pots now carry various shades of smoky grey. They are not fully vitrified but significantly less porous than when they were in the ‘bisque’ or ‘biscuit’ state. I’m not sure what temperature the sawdust kiln reaches and will have to do some tests in future firings to find out. 

None of the results are what I would call ‘spectacular’; they are more subtle, although I will continue to experiment with different materials and I think the copper wire has a lot of potential for creating interest effects around the outside of pots.

All my pieces for the Show[1] are now packed in the car.

It’s an early start in the morning, so an early night for me.

I keep thinking that I can hear Lydia moving about the house but of course she is in kennels this weekend.

My partner is out with a friend so I have the house to myself. 

A friend from the Buddhist group I belong to circulated a list of ways that we can help our nervous systems to rest and recuperate.  I’ll use this list to help me with the work I’m doing with my own dysregulated nervous system as well as Lydia’s:

Slow down

Allow imperfection

Do one thing at a time

Sense our breath and our body

Create daily rituals and rhythms

Offer ourselves compassion

Lengthen our exhales

Express our emotions

Honour our needs

Nourish our senses

Ask for help

Let ourselves be held

[source: Nicola Jane Hobbs, c/o Jilly]

[1] Aldborough & Boroughbridge Show, Newby Hall, Yorkshire, UK

Sleeping

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First published 27 May 2020

Ironically, I’ve recently been feeling too tired to write about what I have wanted to write about: sleep. Until today.

Breaking the cycle of inactivity is massively difficult during a period of depression. It feels impossible to know what to do or where to start that will make any difference in any meaningful and lasting way. And then sleeplessness takes hold and so it goes on.

I still have variable experiences of being able to get to sleep, and sleep long and deep enough to feel rested. However, any current difficulties I have are nothing compared to what it was like for me, years ago, when I became addicted to sleeping pills (Triazepam).

In the end, to detox, I took myself to Turkey in the hot season, walked and sweated for miles and eventually screamed myself off them.

The process of detox itself, especially in unsupported circumstances, is very dangerous, and, to anyone contemplating taking tranquilizers of any kind, I would say, “Don’t!”.

It might be easy for me to say that now, as I did take them then and felt that I needed to – desperately – at the time. Maybe I did. But that was before I had explored all the other options and possibilities, mainly because I didn’t know about them.

There is much more awareness and access to mental health coping strategies than there used to be over twenty years ago when I was going through some extreme experiences. Meditation courses and apps, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, affirmations (I use these a lot), talking therapies, the benefits of exercise and so on. Even so, despite drawing on these approaches and applying them in my day-to-day life as best as I can, I don’t always sleep well.

Now, though, I’m much more able to sit or lie with the lack of sleep and rest into it, be patient with it, rather than going for a quick fix with all the associated draw backs. If I’m really struggling to settle, I might get up, watch a bit of telly (reading is usually out of the question at these times, such is the impact of depression on my capacity to concentrate), make a cup of tea or – even better – hot chocolate. I also occasionally indulge in a glass or two of wine or a gin and tonic. (I’m conscious of the drawbacks and addictive aspects of alcohol reliance but it does sometimes do the trick; a couple of paracetamols – again as a very occasional alternative and never at the same time as alcohol – also eventually send me off.)

I’m gradually working towards having a kinder and more balanced relationship with myself, doing what I can to be good to my body and my brain. I work on being thankful, get my brain into ‘glad’ mode and accept that I am getting “there”, which is “here”, with every day a blessing.

It is much easier for the me that I am now, than the me that I was twenty years ago, to not fall back on the quick fixes, partly because I have worked hard to find out about and put self-management strategies into practice and partly because I am in a much better place on a personal level. It is much easier to get to sleep on an evening, knowing that in the morning I will wake up in my partner’s loving arms.

Maybe there was a time when I did shoot the Albatross, and paid the price. But sleep is a very gentle thing, and doing my best to let sleep slide into my soul is part of an essential process of healing.

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