Day 4

Writing into Life, more

Photo by Thapelo Boateng on Pexels.com

A friend told me recently that she had started to suffer from anxiety.

It had taken her by surprise as she loves her life, and considers the anxiety to be a chemical imbalance, that she is addressing through prescription medication.

I remember once feeling so frustrated when a GP described my mental health difficulties as a chemical imbalance. For me, medication has only ever been part of the equation, because of the complex nature of my experiences.

While I continue to rely on a daily dose of anti-depressant medication – a maintenance dose – I continue to additionally find my own ways of addressing internal imbalance, through the practises of Qigong, yoga, meditation and so on.

With no pottery session planned this afternoon, I’m booked in for an additional yoga class.

Lydia and I have had a walk together and she is now enjoying some time out in the back yard – her yard.

I’ve done a bit of housework so far, made and drunk some coffee, had some breakfast – a crusty roll with blackcurrant jam.

It may not be the most exciting start to the most exciting day, but it is just a start.

Later …

I do some front yard work  – tidying, sweeping, cleaning – in preparation for the winter ahead. It’s good to do focused physical work, outside in the fresh air. And good to keep up my momentum of ‘a bit at a time’. Things are gradually getting done.

Affirmations

“I choose to be peaceful and calm. Everything is unfolding as it should.”

Affirmations can be hard to take on faith at the best of times. At times like this – and especially with an affirmation like this – it can be even harder.

On my daily walk with my partner, in the beautiful spring sunshine and along the peaceful country lanes around where we are lucky enough to live, I’ve stopped and said this affirmation out loud, and it has helped; helped me to remind myself that I can choose to respond to any given situation in a calm and peaceful way, providing I have control of my emotions and my mind. It might be hard, but not impossible. It is something that I can keep working towards being able to do, even if I can’t do it now.

I first started to use this affirmation a few months ago, when I was struggling with some very difficult work situations and high levels of associated anxiety.

I discovered it in a slightly different form at http://thinkup.me/affirm and my thanks go to the author of that article. (5 Recommended Positive Affirmations for Anxiety by Yvonne Williams Casaus, 26 December 2017)

After struggling with anxiety and depression for many years, I keep thinking that I’ve beaten them, only to be hit again by another wave.

The difference, though, between when I first started my personal battle with depression – in my teens – and now – in my 60s – is that I now have a well-stocked resource bank of strategies to fall back on.

Even so, the nature of the disease- and it is a dis-ease – is such that it can be hard to fall back on what we know works when we are at our lowest ebb. I also find that I no longer have the reserves of fighting energy that I used to have, but if I can at least find an affirmation that resonates with me – even on a leap of faith – then I am doing something positive to pull myself through.

The first time I came across affirmations was when I was going through a breakdown in my late thirties.

Suddenly reaching out – desperately, as I knew I was in danger of drowning and was definitely not waving – I found that there were sources of help and support around that I had never even heard about before or could imagine being available.

Counselling was one of these, meditation another, and I also came across a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay (1984).

In that book , as I recall, I identified an affirmation that reflected the exact opposite of how I was feeling:

“I am the love and beauty of life in full expression.”

At the time, I was feeling like the worst wretch that ever crawled the planet. But I knew I had to do something to turn my life around and so I took on board the affirmation and kept saying it to myself again and again and again. And it worked. Not on its own, not without me doing all sort of other things at the same time and ever since, but it helped to cure my warts (literally) and set me on the path to keep working and trying, never giving up.

This brings me to some more poetry, and Poetry Rule No. 28, Stand your ground when you need to; move when you don’t

Sometimes

Sometimes
it isn’t as bad
as you think
it’s going to be
it isn’t even worse
as you hesitate
with anticipation
and brace yourself
to curse

Sometimes
you’re presently surprised
more than you thought
you could be
when you’re met with
some small kindness
unexpectedly

At times like these
it’s good to be wrong
in fact I would go
so far as to say
it’s a blessing
that’s been missing
for a long time
so, no messing
seriously

Sometimes
are better than
no times never
wouldn’t you
agree?

(c) Maggie ‘Glad the Poet’ Baker 1998