Tag: self-management

Day 2 – belonging

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Writing into Life

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Lydia loves her home; our home. 

I’ve noticed how her confidence has increased, particularly over this last summer when she makes decisions about what she wants to do and when she wants to do it. The back door is open most of the time, and she comes and goes as she pleases, within the confines of our garden.

While I continue to train her and manage her behaviour around reactivity, reinforcing basic commands such as “sit”, “wait”, “down”, “stay” and “heel”, I like the fact that she works things out for herself, and we sometimes have a compromise. For example, if she’s outside barking at birds or other dogs or motorbikes going by, and I use the “here” command to bring her in, she will often come towards me but then settle down quietly, still outside but near the door.  I think this is really clever. She gets what she wants – to stay outside – and I get what I want – for her to be quiet and not disturb the neighbours. I like the fact that we can come to an understanding about this arrangement between us, me using my language and she using hers.

Some people may say that I shouldn’t let her get her own way like this, that I need to be ‘top dog’ but I’ve read that the ‘alpha’ principle that used to be thought to apply to dogs, doesn’t, and I’m happy to go with the latest research.

Source: Alpha Dog Myth: Understanding Canine Behavior – PetPress, and others

Lydia belongs here.  After the life that she’s had – much of which we know nothing about until she came into our lives through adoption – it’s good to know that she has a strong sense of home now. Her home; our home.

At the poetry open mic meeting that I performed in last week, another reader read out an extract from ‘The House of Belonging’ by David Whyte. I hadn’t heard of it before, but it resonated with me at a level that leads me to want to reproduce it here:

This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging.

The House of Belonging poem – David Whyte

Homepage – David Whyte

Going forward, that poem will underpin how I apply my own ‘rules for self-management’ that I introduced in yesterday’s post: https://gladabout.life/2025/08/26/day-1-filing/.

It somehow feels like it’s what I’ve been working towards for a long time, and the poem just said it for me.

Thanks and thoughts go to David Whyte, and to the lady who read out the poem at the open mic meeting.

Day 1 – Filing

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Writing into Life

Lydia is loving this summer.

She soaks up the sun when she wants to, and searches out shady spots when she needs to cool down.

We have a good walk together, mid- to late morning.

I still find the ‘waking up and getting out of bed’ bit of the day very difficult. But I do it, with the help of a routine which involves meditating and sitting quietly with a cup of tea before I do anything else. And this morning I did get myself out of bed a bit earlier than I have been doing, so something must be working.

Over the last couple of weeks, as well as preparing paperback versions of my two latest books, I’ve also taken part in an open mic poetry session at a local library. This was so inspirational not least because the library is in my home town, and I don’t have many positive associations with my home town, due to what I now realise is the trauma I experienced as a child. I disassociated, went into survival mode, and the rest isn’t history because I can hardly remember any of it. But it doesn’t matter.  I’ve realised it doesn’t matter because it’s in the past, and I’m living my best life today.

What constitutes a ‘best life’ for me though, doesn’t mean that I need to go on exotic holidays or do ‘special’ stuff all the time. It’s the ‘small’ everyday stuff that does it for me, most of the time. Yes, I like to go out for meals, have treats and takeaways, holidays occasionally, but I don’t want to miss out on what I have around me, in the here and now, every day.

And that includes attending to my own personal paperwork – and filing.

Historically I haven’t been the best at this, although steadily, during the process of my recovery, I have been pulling chaos into order, establishing priorities and making sure that I don’t leave a pile of debris in my wake (literally, in my wake, i.e. when I do ‘pop my clogs’ my affairs are going to be so simple for the Executor to administer).

I first started developing a set of ‘rules for self-management’ some time ago, as an antidote for having been badly managed by others.  Ideas for these rules popped into my head from time to time and I wrote them down, not knowing what I was going to do with them, or when I would be able to do anything with them.  The self-management rules became ‘poetry rules’ for a while, as I related some of my poems to the inherent principles within.

Now I’m back to thinking again in terms of self-management, and I’m going to steadily work through my rules, applying them to my life as I continue to walk and work with Lydia, write this blog, live with my partner, meet up with friends and neighbours, write more poems, make more pots. I’m going to do my own filing as well along with a lot of other things I want and need to do.

Ambitions

Gleeful

Wild

Outrageous

Contagious

Cheerful

Fearful

Full

Respectful

Disrespectful

Mad

Sad

Glad

Cook

Read a Book

Make Tea

Dance

Romance

Work

Shirk

Naughty

Nosy

Silly

Me.

Available on Amazon for Kindle and Kindle Unlimited:

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random – Glad About Life – https://amzn.eu/d/1ljZIDA

A Woman, a Dog & a Blog – Writing into Life – https://amzn.eu/d/0wj6lWa

The paperback versions will be available soon.

Day 28

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

As this 28-day cycle of journaling/blogging comes to a close, I reflect on how far I’ve come in being able to make the most of every day as I do, after the journey of mental health breakdown and recovery that I’ve had, for most of my so far 69 years.

I’m now going to have a short break from writing while I put together a two-volume book of the story of Lydia and me so far. While I’m doing this, I will re-post a blog from the past every day.

A full collection of my earlier blogs, from March 2020 to September 2024, is now available on Amazon for Kindle:

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random: Glad About Life https://amzn.eu/d/gAIIf8A

‘Rules’ came originally from a set of ‘self-management rules’ that I devised, largely to reflect on some of the very negative experiences I’d had of being managed by others. I later developed these Rules into ‘Poetry Rules’, relating them to poems that I wrote or had previously written.

‘Rhymes’ are my poems, even though not all my poems rhyme.  I just like writing them, expressing myself through words in whatever way I choose.

‘Recovery’ pieces reflect on different approaches and factors that influence mental health and wellbeing, including barriers to recovery.

‘Recipe’ is largely focused on one dish, but it’s an important one: Leftovers Soup.

‘Random’ – well, anything that didn’t quite fit in to the other categories but wanted to include anyway.

Step by step, day by day, the story of Lydia and me continues, and I’ll continue to record it at https://gladabout.life/.

Bon voyage!

Day 16

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk

As I wake this morning, Lydia is lying at the foot of the bed.  She is looking neither sleepy nor restless.  I get up to go to the bathroom and, on the way, give her a “rub-a-dub-dub” around her ears, neck, chest and upper arms.  I go downstairs, open the back door, make tea and take it back to bed with me. I need some more “sleepy time” and I encourage Lydia to have some more too.

Lydia comes from Romania.  So, she’s not only had to learn about a different culture and adjust to a different climate, she’s also had to learn a new language.

I have found Lydia to be very quick to learn on a lot of things. She soon got used to me saying “stay” when we had to leave her alone in the house, and has never had separation anxiety, like a lot of dogs do.

Other words/phrases I’ve introduced to help us to communicate with each other are “peepie time” and “poopie time”.  “Peepie time” was important for house training, although we never really had any problems with that, except in the very early days when she was inclined to occasionally have a wee on a carpet.

“Poopie time” was important as for a long time she was very reluctant to have a poo in the back yard.  While she mostly did her poos when we were out walking, there were occasions in the early hours of the morning when she had a tummy upset but just would not relieve herself in the back yard. So I ended up driving her out to a quiet country road – one of our usual walking spots – where we would walk up and down until she eventually felt able to do what she needed to do, and then we could go home.  There was a time when my partner’s grandsons were staying with us and I had to take Lydia out in the car in the early hours; then when I eventually got back into bed, a cry came up from the boys’ room: “Maggie, I’ve had an accident!”.  Quite what was going on in our household that night I don’t know but we did eventually all settle down for a bit more sleep.

I have now managed to train Lydia to occasionally have a “poopie” in the back yard, so that we don’t have to have any more early morning drives out into the country. I’ve still got a long way to go in learning her language, but I do think the “rub-a-dub-dub” is a good development for both of us. I stop and give her quite a few of these on our walk this morning, hopefully helping to regulate her vagus nerve.

Day 14

As I write there is a window cleaner cleaning next door’s windows. Lydia starts to bark and I say, “No!” firmly and call her to me.  Eventually she does come to me and I give her another “rub-a-dub-dub”. I’m hoping this might start to become her cue to feel more settled and calmer when we encounter whatever triggers her fears when we’re out walking. We shall see.

I certainly feel more settled and calmer today after yesterday’s breath and body work, stretching and strengthening.  To consolidate this, I’m going to now do some meditation, before visiting a friend this afternoon. Oh, but I think I’ll have another cup of coffee first, because I’m retired, and I fancy another cup of coffee.

My knee is healing, and growing stronger, each passing day”

Day 6

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Continuing the story of Lydia, Me and our Family of Three https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk

I had a lovely visit with friends yesterday. They lifted me. 

I was late arriving at their house. There had been a road accident and I struggled to find an alternative route. When I phoned them to let them know about my delay, they made sure that I realised it didn’t matter – they just wanted to see me. This meant such a lot to me.

I rested into most of the rest of the evening on my return home, after giving Lydia her tea.

I’m continuing to feed her all her food by hand, as training rewards, either when we’re out on a walk, or at home for her evening meal.

The big treat for Lydia, as part of her evening meal, is a raw bone. Today it’s a chicken drumstick. She waits for 90 seconds on “stay” and then bounds towards me when I say “here”.  Lydia loves her raw bone[1]. It’s a high value treat that provides a really good opportunity to reinforce the training and learning we’re doing together.

Trev went out to buy our tea – fish and chips.  We have some great chippies round here. I like mine with curry sauce. He has mushy peas. This is a high value treat for us.

A phone call from another good friend also meant the world to me and I slept with a much easier mind that I’d had the other day.

This morning, I wake around 8am.   

At some point during the night Lydia went downstairs to continue her sleep in her favourite armchair.  She has a bed in the bedroom which she loves but also loves that chair.

When I go down in the morning to make a cup of tea, she turns from her sleeping position onto her back, with floppy paws.

This is my invitation to tickle her tummy, although these days it’s more of a massage.

I concentrate on her neck, upper arms and chest, rather than her tummy. I’m not a trained masseuse, either human or canine, but I focus on muscles and areas where she might be holding a bit of tension. She makes some soft gurgling noises so I think I must be doing OK. To finish, I take hold of each of her paws in turn and give them a bit of a rub. This will, in turn, help her to feel more comfortable when her paws are being held for claw clipping.

Lydia and I have our woodland walk today. 

I do some heel reinforcement work on our walk across the field towards the wood, and the walk itself is easy. I only have to do an occasional turnabout if Lydia starts to tug, but she’s not doing much tugging at all. After a full circuit, I decide to go back and do the walk again, from the other direction. 

My right knee, that I’ve had a few problems with recently, is much better. 

I’m lucky. At 69 I have no serious physical ailments or infirmities to contend with.

To improve the condition and flexibility of my knees, I’ve been doing some physio exercises that I was taught. I also rub in ‘wear and tear’ lubricating gel, morning and evening, take a good quality multi-vitamin and mineral supplement for joint care, and repeat an affirmation:

“My knee is healing, and getting stronger, each passing day.”

It’s easy to forget, when things are going well, what it’s taken to get to that point.

So, I’ll continue with my maintenance regime, and hopefully continue to enjoy the benefits of healthy knees.

[1] Dogs should never be given cooked bones. Raw bones may not be suitable for all dogs. Consultation should always be made with a qualified canine nutritionist and/or vet.

Day 3

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Wild roses blooming on our walk today

Continuing the story of Lydia, Me and our Family of Three https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk

This morning, I wake with a sense of unease. I try saying affirmations but can’t settle, and decide to just rest into the feeling. It will pass.

Not so long ago, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of fear; almost but not quite. I drew on all the self-management methods I could muster, and it abated.

I let Lydia out into the back yard earlier.

We’re lucky to have a courtyard-cum-garden which is approximately square in shape, has a seating area, a paved area and some flower beds.

It is low maintenance and has become even lower maintenance since we got Lydia.

Lydia likes to dig. 

I decided to not try to stop her digging which means we have big holes in the flower beds.

Even so, or maybe even because of this, we have some self-seeded flowers blossoming – purple foxgloves and yellow Icelandic poppies.

She’s been quiet so far this morning.  When I checked on her earlier, she was lying down, looking up at the sky, following the pigeons in flight but not barking at them – not much anyway.

I’m encouraging Lydia to be “quiet”.  In doing this I’m following some guidelines from an on-line training resource I bought, that follows the principles of service dog training.

Lydia is approximately 9 or 10 years old.  She would have made an amazing service or working dog if she’d been trained from when she was a puppy.  She’s responding positively to the training I’m doing with her now, although it’s a slow process.  This is just as well, because I’m 69 heading towards 70, and slow suits me, especially as I’m learning too.

Trev heads out to yoga. He’s only just started going to yoga classes, tending to favour the gym, and a swim. It isn’t always easy to learn to do new things with your body and your brain as you get older, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

When I do eventually get out of bed I do a few physio exercises for my knees, then head downstairs.

I talk to Lydia, to let her know that we’re not going out for “w-a-l-k-i-e-s” yet. I’m going to meditate first.

It’s the Buddhist group meeting tonight, but I feel I need to meditate now, so I do.

I don’t have a formal routine for meditating at home.

I sit down in my comfy chair with a cushion supporting my back and my feet on the floor.

I put my hands in the position on my lap as we are taught in the class, and partly close my eyes, letting just a little bit of light in.

Surprisingly – to me – I don’t find it too difficult to concentrate on my breath this morning. I don’t have too many distracting thoughts creeping in.  I don’t time my meditation, just do it as long as I want to and can, and then feel ready to go out for our walk.

As is usual now, Lydia waits patiently while I put on her harness and leads. I reward her with a treat, get myself sorted with bag, phone and keys, and then we head for the door.

I ask Lydia to “sit” and “wait” while I open the door. This is all part of our process of learning not to rush, taking things step by step, being calm and not worrying about what may lie ahead.

I take her in the car to the walking place that we’re both most familiar with. We go to this spot at least three times a week, usually mid-week. It provides plenty of opportunity for stress-free walking and stress-free training with occasional but manageable encounters with other dogs.

This morning, we have one such encounter and I apply the techniques that I have been taught by the behaviourist that I recently consulted with.

The distance between us and the other dog and owner are less than they’ve been before, although we still have a couple of grassy banks and a drainage ditch between us.

Lydia does react but she also settles down quite quickly, and we continue on our way.  It is progress. We still have a lot of work to do between us, but it is progress.

I’ve brought some pieces of cooked chicken with me today, and we do some “heel” reinforcement work, as well as some repeats of “watch”.  We are building up muscle memory, hers and mine. I didn’t learn to respond positively to a lot of frightening and difficult to process situations when I was younger and neither did she.  We are on this journey together.