There was no Qigong today so I’ve just been to yoga this afternoon.
Lydia reacted when she saw two other dogs this morning, despite the distance between us. After that she struggled to settle down for the rest of the walk, and I struggled a bit with yoga.
I know I’m tired at the moment and, though starting to sleep better, have still not had a deep sleep that will, I think, make a difference.
I’m keeping up with caffeine-free afternoons and concentrating on doing constructive things when I can, so I’m hoping that I will eventually fall into that elusive deep sleep.
Lydia has already settled down for the evening. She’s had her tea and is curled up in her armchair. She’s presented her tummy to me for tickling twice since I got back so I think its fair to say that she’s relaxed at home even if she isn’t always when we’re outside.
I’ve finally found something to binge-watch on the telly and I did a bit of reading this morning. So I’m starting to relax a bit too.
Lydia likes Peshwari nan. I know this because she stole a piece off Trev’s plate last night, just as he was sitting down to enjoy it with his curry.
I also like Peshwari nan, but only with a curry that is rich in flavour and spicy, like the one I had last night. I reheated what I couldn’t eat last night and ate it for breakfast. Delicious.
After a busy few days, I’m resting today, only putting in a bit of washing and loading the dishwasher. Trev had unloaded the dishwasher, put the pots and pans and cutlery away and swept the kitchen floor, and he’s doing the shopping for tonight’s tea.
I had a good sleep last night, aided, I’m sure, by the physical work and different activities I’ve been doing as well as cutting out caffeine in the afternoons. The wine helped too, not that I’m planning to or do drink wine every night; I’m sticking to weekends only for the foreseeable.
So, apart from my walk with Lydia this morning and the few – very few – bits and pieces of housework I’ve done, it’s definitely been and still is a rest day for me. Still struggling to find much that interests me on the telly, I might do a bit of reading now. I bought a beautiful bookmark from one of the craft stalls at yesterday’s Christmas fayre, although the book I’m reading at the moment is on my Kindle.
I rarely remember dreams but woke this morning from a deeper sleep than I’ve had for a long time, remembering one.
The sense of relief that comes from sleep is immense. The strategy of reducing my caffeine intake, limiting myself to just two or three cups of tea a day – in the morning – and no coffee, is starting to pay off.
It is by no means the only part of my strategy, as limiting or eliminating caffeine altogether isn’t necessarily going to do the trick without other factors kicking in, in my experience anyway.
For me, I know it is a combination of physical and creative and other activities.
It also depends on the type and context of activities.
The heavy lifting and shifting I’ve done recently, clearing stuff out of house and garage and taking them to the tip, are good for the musculoskeletal system, but my nearly 70-year-old back was giving me a few warning signs. A few stretches at home helped, but not as much as the yoga class I went to yesterday. There has been no Qigong this week as we do classes in groups of three, then have a break, then back for another group of three. This works very well and yesterday meant that I had time to do a charity shop drop-off, again with more lifting and carrying – a big bag and a box – and then go shopping for our tea, a stir fry that I cooked using a combination of a bag of pre-made sauce, some hoisin sauce from a bottle, and some dark soy sauce. I usually make a stir-fry sauce from scratch, using a combination of lemon or lime juice, ginger, garlic if we have any, and again soy sauce; also a bit of brown sugar, salt and pepper. However, due to my having had a cold, I thought I’d make it a bit easier for myself. I also took the time to buy a large pot of matt white emulsion, some concentrated sugar soap and a precision paint brush for edges. This will enable me to start doing the painting work I have lined up for later in the week.
So, for now, I’m keeping my strength up and the aches and pains at bay, glad to be able to enjoy a walk with Lydia on this bright and sunny, if somewhat breezy, morning. I always feel invigorated after I come back from our walks, and I now have a good little routine that involves putting her poopie bags in the outside bin, washing my hands, filling and setting off her breakfast ball for her to nudge around the lounge, putting a chicken wing or drumstick (sometimes a lamb rib) in a cool bag for later, so that it defrosts and hopefully gets to room temperature but doesn’t go off, and making sure that there’s a further supply of her raw food starting to defrost in the fridge.
Today I didn’t feel like sitting down for breakfast so I put some mashed banana on toast that I’d spread with olive spread and did some tidying up in the kitchen while I was eating it, unloading and loading up the dishwasher and a few other things. A dishwasher is a relatively recent acquisition for us and it makes such a difference.
Later today I’ll visit M in her care home. We’ll go for coffee and a cake but I’ll make sure I get decaff. It’s the way forward for me, for the time being at least.
Trev has done some more clearing out as well, which puts us in a good position for me to start painting the walls by the stairs and in the landing area. I painted through all the rest of the house when we moved in, a section at a time as I wasn’t feeling well and I could only do a section at a time. I never did get round to doing the walls up the stairs and on the landing though and since then there’ve been a lot of things going on. I now, finally, have time, energy and inclination to do that job. It shouldn’t take long but then there’s no need to try and do it in a rush. A bit at a time and it will get done.
Lydia and I had one of our weekend walks this morning, on a quiet track. It was cold, so I wore a hat. I’d inadvertently shrunk my knitted winter hat in a too-hot wash a couple of weeks back, but I found another in the cupboard to keep my head warm. My cold is on its way out but I still need to keep myself ‘well wrapped up’, as our Mum used to say.
Lydia kept stopping and looking out over the fields at something I couldn’t see, or maybe it wasn’t something she saw either but sensed. Anyway, we had an easy walk which I needed, then back to a warm house – breakfast for both of us and another cup of tea for me.
Strong tea and freshly brewed coffee are daily pleasures for me, but I’m cutting out coffee at the moment, and only drinking tea in the morning. This is to help me establish a better sleep pattern again.
I did a bit of kitchen tidying and cleaning, loading and unloading the dishwasher and mopping the floor, before going back to bed for more rest. I have been very sensible in looking after myself while I’ve had this virus working its way through my body, and I do think that is a strategy that is paying off. It can be a bit frustrating, resting, but I know I need to do it at the moment.
Later it was Trev’s turn to take ‘stuff’ to the tip, which is actually a recycling centre, and very well organised for different types of waste, including a ‘waste to energy recovery’ skip for anything that doesn’t fit the recycling categories, such as wood, metal and so on.
I think we’re only a few tip trips short of a good clear-out now. I have a charity shop run planned tomorrow, and then I’ll buy a pot of paint, to start doing some internal work that needs doing.
I woke this morning feeling warm and rested, snug and toasty in bed, having slept for a good few hours. The symptoms of my cold are lingering, but I’m confident that I’ve past the point when it could have turned into a cough and possible chest infection.
After our morning walk and with Lydia suitably breakfasted, I make a pan of porridge for me and Trev, enjoying mine lightly salted and finished with brown sugar and some evaporated milk. I set aside a little of the unsweetened porridge for Lydia, so that she can have it as a bit of an extra with her tea. She has very few carbs in her diet generally, and I’m sure she’ll enjoy it for a change.
After going back to bed and resting for a while, I get up and resolve to make further inroads into clearing the garage. It does look a bit daunting when I open the door, but I make a start, and bit by bit make some progress. This includes demolishing a cupboard with help from my Dad’s old lump hammer that was handily nearby. The cupboard had done sterling work for me for many years, first in my old house and then as garage storage in this one. The shelves were starting to collapse and it was time for it to go, so I take it to the tip along with some other things that I know I am no longer going to need. After a bit of sweeping and reorganising, the garage now looks in reasonable order, with a few things lined up for me to take to a charity shop on Monday.
The physical effort was good for me and I’m lucky to be strong and fit enough to lift and carry the way I do at my age. I simply take my time, do things at my own pace, and rest when I need to.
So, this afternoon I have rested, leaving me with nothing much more to do this evening than to feed Lydia – she seems quite happy to wait for her tea at the moment – and write this blog. I took some chilli out of the freezer earlier, so Trev and I can have that with some rice when we are ready.
The theme for tonight’s Buddhist meeting – as it will be for the next few meetings – is ‘embracing change’.
I’ve been doing my best to ‘change my mind’ for a long time. It’s a slow process, for me, but one that I’m committed to. I listen, I meditate, I reflect and, one way or another, I change.
I hope – pray – that the process of change is also bringing about healing. I think it is.
Our usual teacher is away, so the teaching is given by a nun from the Centre.
We meditate on death and impermanence, which may sound morbid, but acknowledging and facing the inevitability of death does make sense to me, and I listen intently.
I don’t feel I have to fully understand and remember everything that I hear, and I certainly don’t. My powers of recall are not that good, and it is a process of gradual assimilation anyway.
There was a lot of emphasis on being able to let go of attachments that we acquire and accumulate in this life. I’ve not necessarily been that good at acquiring and attaching but then I’ve historically not been very good at letting go either.
After greeting me when I got home, Lydia has now settled down to sleep, on her favourite rug. She looks totally adorable and relaxed.
I’ll just sit for a while before I too settle down for the night.
I don’t need to set an alarm for tomorrow morning – we can just sleep as long as we want to and get up when we’re ready. Luxury!
Today I woke feel rested at a very deep level; I could feel another shift, slowly but surely in a positive direction. It doesn’t matter how slow; a small shift is a shift nonetheless.
Yesterday, after a short meditation combined with a cup of tea, I had a lovely walk with Lydia, a long lunch with a friend, did a bit – just a bit – of domestic activity in the afternoon, went to the Buddhist class in the evening and then, back at home, watched a couple of episodes of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’. I also enjoyed, while watching the telly, a glass of red wine and some of the delicious houmous that Trev had made earlier. A bag of cheese puffs rounded off the day nicely.
The themes of MAFSAU and the Buddhist class were the same: happiness. It’s what we all seek, and we look for it in different ways in different places.
The Buddhist teachings tell me that happiness naturally arises from a calm and peaceful mind. I now take this on faith and continue to do my best to put the teachings – including the meditation techniques – into practice. This doesn’t mean that I have to deny myself all worldly pleasures, just recognise that they have their limits and are not a lasting source of happiness. This is what I now believe.
Though a slow process, my ongoing programme of wellbeing activities does seem to be working.
Although I could readily have gone back to bed this morning, after a walk with Lydia through the woods, I felt energised enough to start writing this blog, to check in with Trev, to confirm that I’d make a cottage pie later for tea, and to take my time to let the rest of the day unfold. I’m booked in to a yoga class later. Tomorrow I’m going to the races but I don’t need to rush to do anything much more today.
I used to feel that I was falling short by not being able to build up and maintain a momentum. I now recognise that if slow is the momentum that works for me, then slow is the momentum I’ll work with.
Lydia is very calm on our walk this morning; much calmer than she’s been on a walk for a very long time. It’s lovely just to amble along with her, stop when she sniffs at and forages blackberries, feel no need to do much other than just walk along with my dog beside me. I tell her what a lovely dog she is and let her know how much I’m enjoying my walk with her.
I also thank her when we get back to the car. I want her to feel appreciated. She is.
The sense of mellowness and calm continues throughout the day.
I visit a friend in the village. We also go for a walk together, and we thank each other to show our appreciation of each other’s company. It’s a lovely thing, to enjoy the company of another; nothing to prove; just a sense of being together, being alive and being there for each other, even if it’s just for that day.
As I write, Lydia is enjoying being outside on a day which is warmish with a soothing breeze.
I’m enjoying being inside, with the door open.
A lingering sadness remains and always will, but the nagging, aching grief has gone, as each day brings something new, or not new. It doesn’t matter. Each day just brings.
No such thing
There’s no such thing As an ordinary day Each day awakens In its own way
Some days it rains Some days it’s sunny Some days are serious And nothing seems funny
There’s no so thing As an ordinary day Each day is different In its own way
Some days are lonely Some days are glad Some days are joyful Others are sad
There’s no such thing As an ordinary day Each day unfolds In its own way
Some days are busy Others are slow Some days it’s hard To know which way to go
There’s no such thing As an ordinary day Each one just passes In its own way
***
And when the day Is done and gone We sleep Until another day That isn’t ordinary Comes along
Ironically, I’ve recently been feeling too tired to write about what I have wanted to write about: sleep. Until today.
Breaking the cycle of inactivity is massively difficult during a period of depression. It feels impossible to know what to do or where to start that will make any difference in any meaningful and lasting way. And then sleeplessness takes hold and so it goes on.
I still have variable experiences of being able to get to sleep, and sleep long and deep enough to feel rested. However, any current difficulties I have are nothing compared to what it was like for me, years ago, when I became addicted to sleeping pills (Triazepam).
In the end, to detox, I took myself to Turkey in the hot season, walked and sweated for miles and eventually screamed myself off them.
The process of detox itself, especially in unsupported circumstances, is very dangerous, and, to anyone contemplating taking tranquilizers of any kind, I would say, “Don’t!”.
It might be easy for me to say that now, as I did take them then and felt that I needed to – desperately – at the time. Maybe I did. But that was before I had explored all the other options and possibilities, mainly because I didn’t know about them.
There is much more awareness and access to mental health coping strategies than there used to be over twenty years ago when I was going through some extreme experiences. Meditation courses and apps, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, affirmations (I use these a lot), talking therapies, the benefits of exercise and so on. Even so, despite drawing on these approaches and applying them in my day-to-day life as best as I can, I don’t always sleep well.
Now, though, I’m much more able to sit or lie with the lack of sleep and rest into it, be patient with it, rather than going for a quick fix with all the associated draw backs. If I’m really struggling to settle, I might get up, watch a bit of telly (reading is usually out of the question at these times, such is the impact of depression on my capacity to concentrate), make a cup of tea or – even better – hot chocolate. I also occasionally indulge in a glass or two of wine or a gin and tonic. (I’m conscious of the drawbacks and addictive aspects of alcohol reliance but it does sometimes do the trick; a couple of paracetamols – again as a very occasional alternative and never at the same time as alcohol – also eventually send me off.)
I’m gradually working towards having a kinder and more balanced relationship with myself, doing what I can to be good to my body and my brain. I work on being thankful, get my brain into ‘glad’ mode and accept that I am getting “there”, which is “here”, with every day a blessing.
It is much easier for the me that I am now, than the me that I was twenty years ago, to not fall back on the quick fixes, partly because I have worked hard to find out about and put self-management strategies into practice and partly because I am in a much better place on a personal level. It is much easier to get to sleep on an evening, knowing that in the morning I will wake up in my partner’s loving arms.
Maybe there was a time when I did shoot the Albatross, and paid the price. But sleep is a very gentle thing, and doing my best to let sleep slide into my soul is part of an essential process of healing.
The newly ploughed field that we walked around this morning. It used to be covered with dandelions. I wonder what will grow there next…
Continuing the story of Lydia and Me
Wonderful weather!
I do love the sunshine and warm weather, but it’s also good to appreciate other weathers too.
This morning, walking Lydia, there was a warmish wind and a few spots of summer rain. I love summer rain, the way it brings out all the earthy scents from the ground.
We had a longer walk than we’ve been having when it’s been hot.
I continue to ask Lydia to “sit” and “wait” before she gets out of the car. I think she doesn’t understand why she needs to do this – why would she? – but she’s starting to resist less. I rub her neck and ears and talk to her while we’re waiting, and think this helps. It’s all about rushing less and being more in the moment.
She has really taken to the “sit” and “wait” routine before we leave the house now, and I give her lots of praise as well as treats. When she makes a soft, gurgly noise from the back of her throat, I think I must be doing something right. She just sounds happy.
I did what I do to reassure her when we had cars passing by on two occasions. She didn’t lunge or bark but they weren’t particularly close either.
A man with two dogs who I am familiar with walked by on the other side of a drainage dyke. I don’t think she saw the dogs because of the height of the grass growing on the banks either side, but she did see the man and started to lunge. I did what I do, and she settled. I gave her some “rub-a-dub-dub” massages and we did a few repeats of the “watch” routine before we continued on.
Earlier, before we’d set off for our walk, she barked at a window cleaner working next door. I called out “here” and she did! Progress. Step by step, day by day. Progress.
Progress for me too. I am so enjoying writing this blog and engaging with interactions around the publishing of it.
I had a good sleep again last night. It may have been aided by the cheeky little gin and tonic I had, sitting outside in the not-so-warm weather. I also read a little – an autobiography which has a very sad central theme with many aspects that are essentially and vibrantly life affirming around that. Good to be reading again, as well as writing.
Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – now available in paperback: https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU.
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Glad About 
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