Tag: time

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

After a long day at the Show, I’m enjoying a large g&t and reflecting on the list from yesterday’s post. My focus is on ‘Let ourselves be held’.

I’m not sure if this means emotionally, psychologically, spiritually or physically. Probably any or all four or a combination.

I’m not good at letting myself be held, and neither is Lydia.

She now lets me give her massages (the “rub-a-dub-dub” massages I’ve referred to in previous posts) but she still doesn’t let me fully ‘hold’ her when we’re out walking, in terms of believing that I will keep her safe.  She’s been too badly traumatised in the past.

I’ve had to be so self-reliant for much of my life that  I will always fall back on myself too. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, but historically I’ve tended to look out for others, while at the same time my own needs weren’t being met. That’s not because I’m a selfless saint, but it is because I really don’t want anyone to have to go through what I’ve been through in my life if there is anything I can do to help them not to.  I just don’t like that level of waste.

Looking again at the list, I’m drawn to ‘nourish our senses’.

My senses feel jaded, as if nothing is fresh and invigorating any more. This is where Lydia comes in to help, as I do find our walks together on a morning have a stimulating effect on my senses, even if it’s still at a low level of intensity.

I’m certainly much more open to ‘imperfection’ than I used to be. I can still be a bit obsessive about details, but more able to let things go.

I can only ‘do one thing at a time’ these days, and very slowly, so I’m doing OK there.                                         

I’m not always great at being able to ‘ask for help’ although at least I know now that help can be sought out. In the first half of my life, I had no idea that such a thing might be available, never mind what form it could take.

‘Expressing emotions’ is complicated, I find. I’ll keep  trying to work that one out.

I do ‘create daily rituals and routines’ although I tend to need to be flexible on timings and interpret this very broadly.

It may be a while yet before Lydia and I are both as relaxed as we need to be, but we’re working – and resting – on it.

The fact that my partner has just made a delicious meal while I’ve been resting helps enormously.