Seasonal branches adorning the fence at our Qigong venue this evening
Lydia is steadily getting used to her new collar. By the end of our woodland walk this morning it felt like she was almost gliding along next to me. The lead that I attach to the collar has a bungee section at the end of it, which helps.
Yoga this afternoon had a strong emphasis on the pose of a tree, and in Qigong we did a lot of work on developing the strength and flexibility of the spine. I felt quite focused in both sessions and enjoyed the poses and movements.
Despite all my health and wellbeing activities, I feel like I may be starting to come down with a cold, so may have to rest up tomorrow if it lingers.
I’m hoping for a good night’s sleep though, tonight. Lydia has already joined me in the bedroom for her ‘sleepy time’ and I’m going to settle down for the night now as well. Sweet dreams.
There was no Qigong today so I’ve just been to yoga this afternoon.
Lydia reacted when she saw two other dogs this morning, despite the distance between us. After that she struggled to settle down for the rest of the walk, and I struggled a bit with yoga.
I know I’m tired at the moment and, though starting to sleep better, have still not had a deep sleep that will, I think, make a difference.
I’m keeping up with caffeine-free afternoons and concentrating on doing constructive things when I can, so I’m hoping that I will eventually fall into that elusive deep sleep.
Lydia has already settled down for the evening. She’s had her tea and is curled up in her armchair. She’s presented her tummy to me for tickling twice since I got back so I think its fair to say that she’s relaxed at home even if she isn’t always when we’re outside.
I’ve finally found something to binge-watch on the telly and I did a bit of reading this morning. So I’m starting to relax a bit too.
It was snowing again this morning when I got up and I decided to take Lydia out straight away, in case it settled and the roads became impassable.
I put two layers of gloves on, a thermal pair underneath a fingerless pair, and my hands felt significantly less cold than they had the day before.
Lydia wore her raincoat again and we had a short walk in a field that I call ‘Quiet Field’ because I used to take her to it regularly when I needed somewhere that was fairly guaranteed to be away from the sight of other dogs.
The snow was still coming down and I was conscious of not wanting to be stuck on a hill on the way home.
I needn’t have worried as the snow stopped as we left the field and the day brightened up from there.
Lydia and I had another walk in the afternoon to make up for our shorter than usual one in the morning.
Taking on board some learning from last night’s Buddhist group meeting, I started to read again a book that I previously read some time ago: ‘How to Transform Your Life’ by Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso Rinpoche.
I also made some notes, to help with recall, and it felt good to be able to read again, as I haven’t been able to for a while.
So, all in all it’s been a good Thursday, rounded off with a Chinese takeaway – delivered – for me and Trev.
I also bought some new treats for Lydia to try, doing a bit of shopping on my way to a yoga class.
Just relaxing in front of the telly now. And tomorrow is another day.
It seems fitting to start this latest cycle of writing on a Mental Health Monday. So, it was a walk with Lydia this morning, yoga and Qigong this afternoon.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been busy with work on the house, doing some decorating, and I’m now starting on a phase of going round, room by room, clearing, cleaning, sorting.
Just as well then, that I’ve given myself a recharge boost with a weekend at the Buddhist Centre, with teachings and meditation sessions included as part of the course. I’ve also arranged to volunteer at the Centre one afternoon a week, which is an opportunity to put some skills and experience to good use, learn new things and meet new people.
For now, then, I’ve got a good complement of different activities and interests during the week, without being too structured or rigid and with plenty of time to rest or do other things as they arise. I know I’ll want and need to review what I do at some point in the future as I look for new challenges and further growth, but I’ve got what I hope is a reasonable balance for the time being.
I continue to reflect on how fortunate I am to have my health, fitness and circumstances to be able to do what I do.
Thankfully, also, Lydia is fit and healthy too.
We’ll keep walking and working together and I’ll keep writing. They’re all good things to do.
Lydia gave me a gentle nudge in the early hours and I went downstairs to open the back door for her, propping it open so that she could enjoy some morning air, which I knows she likes to do, while sheltering inside. It gives her a chance to go and have a ‘peepie’ if she needs one and I go down later to close it, as expected finding her now curled up in her chair.
My lower back is aching a bit after my exertions of yesterday, balancing on a stepladder that I’d positioned so that I could reach the far corners of the walls I was painting. I knew I hadn’t strained my back – I’d been careful and I have Qigong and yoga to thank for giving me flexibility and strength that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I did, however, feel that I’d stretched muscles that I wouldn’t otherwise have stretched, and decided to make myself a cup of tea for comfort, to take back to bed. It must have worked because I didn’t wake until after 9am and I felt I’d had a reasonably deep sleep for a few hours.
It was the ‘Boot and Shoe’ walk – that I also call the ‘woodland walk’ – for Lydia and me this morning, the name coming from the house nearby. She was sniffing and pulling most of the way so I don’t know what scent or scents she’d picked up on, but they were strong.
After coming home and giving Lydia her breakfast, I decided to make some blueberry muffins. I don’t feel like my usual breakfast foods at the moment – even poached eggs on toast which I normally love as a brunch – and muffins seemed like a good option. I’d bought a large tray of blueberries when I went shopping yesterday and they are a good nutritious fruit.
For a standard cake mix I use a basic formula of equal quantities of butter or margarine, sugar and flour in a ratio of 4, 4 and 4 plus two eggs. This morning, I had 12oz of baking margarine in a tub leftover from when I’d made a cake a couple of weeks ago, so I used that as the starting measure. Deciding that I didn’t want my muffins too sweet, I weighed out 8oz of sugar instead of 12oz. I’m quite happy to use metric measures but this morning stuck to imperial as it made it easy with the amount of margarine I was starting with. Six eggs, a sprinkling of salt, 12oz of self-raising flour – plus a little extra baking powder just to help the muffins be as light and fluffy as they can be – an unmeasured quantity of blueberries and a splash of evaporated milk completed the mix.
I’d preheated the oven to 180 degrees centigrade and spooned the mixture into 18 paper cases. I baked them initially for 20 minutes and then moved the muffins from the top shelf to the lower shelf and the ones from the lower shelf to the higher shelf to help them all cook evenly. I set the timer for another 10 minutes but got engrossed in writing this post and didn’t hear it go off! The muffins, however, are just nicely browned, not burnt, and I am now waiting for them to cool down so that I can try one, or two, or more.
The carbs should help to set me up for some more painting this afternoon. Having finished the walls I’m now turning to woodwork that was done not so long ago but needs a bit of freshening up in places. It shouldn’t take long and won’t be anywhere near as strenuous as yesterday’s efforts. I do find the process of painting soothing, so I’ll just take my time and it’ll get done.
As it turned out, the small pot of paint that was in the garage, that I thought was a water-based satin white for woodwork, was actually a matt white emulsion. I only discovered this after I’d painted over with it in a few places but it’ll be fine. I’ll buy a pot of the paint that I need tomorrow and go over it again.
There’s also a skylight window frame that needs doing, so I started to prepare that by giving it a good clean with some sugar soap solution. I was too tired to start painting it today as it will need careful concentration – including masking tape application in places – to make sure I do a proper job of it. It will take a couple of coats and I also need to try and reach the outside pane to clean it. I cleaned the inside pane today but I may need my steam cleaner for the outside.
Positioned at the top of the stairs, I used a combination of a chair, stepladders and a left-side-step on to my ‘strategically placed’ filing cabinet today and was able to reach all parts of the skylight frame. It’s going to be a job for later in the week and probably going on into next weekend.
Trev’s back after going out earlier. He sampled and approved the muffins and I’ve now reached the 28th day of my latest 28-day writing cycle, so I’m taking a short break from writing new posts and will publish an earlier post each day instead, starting with ‘A Bag of Clay’ that includes a poem. Hope you enjoy it.
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Tonight’s Buddhist class completes the five-week course on ‘Embracing Change’.
Change can happen in so many ways, on so many levels.
In my experience, I have not always known why I have not been able to ‘let go’ and move on at times. I think, now, I have more insight into why, and it’s because of the deep inner healing that I needed to do. It’s understandable to want to do that in a safe way, at a safe time, so that when the wound is exposed, it won’t be subject to any more damage.
Sometimes, however, circumstances force us to push through pain on a survival basis. How amazing then, to be in those circumstances and somehow find that you have got access to the support that you need to heal, from sources that in the past you could not have even imagined existed, yet somehow, they do. That’s where I’m at now.
And, for now, I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing; different things on different days. Today it was painting, white emulsion on walls; tomorrow I’ll go to pottery in the afternoon. Walking Lydia, of course, in the mornings, is such a good thing, I’m pretty sure for both of us. Meditating, practising yoga and Qigong, listening to the teachings of Buddha passed on through the Kadampa lineage. Meeting up with friends, chatting with neighbours. More painting of walls until that job is done, then I’ll move on to do something else. I know this is all leading to further change, and I am becoming more able to embrace the uncertainty of what lies ahead.
I headed up for an early night last night, taking with me a glass of milk. After drinking some of the milk I set the glass to one side, on my bedside cabinet and settled down.
It wasn’t long before I heard a slurping sound close to my head. It was the noise that Lydia makes when she’s drinking water out of one of her bowls, but I know her bedroom bowl is close to the foot of the bed and not near my head. She was drinking my milk!
It represented quite a feat, as she stretched her, albeit long, tongue into the glass. After an initial pretend curse – “cheeky mare” or something to that effect – I picked up the glass and angled it so that it was easier for her to reach the contents. She slurped away, had a break, and then came back for the rest. She so enjoyed that milk.
A bit later on, I went down and got myself another glass of milk, had a couple of paracetamols and a buttered bread roll and settled myself down again, this time falling asleep and not waking until around 5.30am when a wet nose, attached to a soft muzzle, nuzzled me.
I knew, or was fairly certain, that she didn’t need a wee (or ‘peepie’ as we call it) because she’d been out for one earlier and she can go for hours and hours without needing another. Going downstairs I opened the back door and, as I thought, she settled down inside the house. She just wanted to pick up on the early morning air. So, I propped the door open, went back to bed and about half an hour or so later went back downstairs. Again, as I thought, she was by now curled up in her chair so I closed the back door to keep the heat it. It was a cold morning.
I didn’t get back to sleep but felt reasonably rested after the hours that I’d had. Later we went for our woodland walk.
I fancied going out for breakfast, having not had much to eat the day before, so sent a message to Trev and he agreed. After giving Lydia her breakfast ball, and later a dental stick, Trev and I went out and had a full English. It was a very good full English and set me up for the rest of the day.
The rest of the day has involved yoga, taking some Christmas decorations and a Christmas tree to a charity shop, doing some shopping, coming home, and starting to write this post.
I’ve kept some Christmas decorations that have sentimental value for me, and I have another small Christmas tree that I will use this year. It’s good to let go and move on.
Lydia is barking outside. It is a beautiful calm evening. I will make a stir fry for mine and Trev’s tea later but for now, can just enjoy a sense of peace, having done all I can, for today at least.
‘Change’ continues to be theme of the Buddhist class teachings at the moment – tonight will be week 3 of a 5-week course.
There’s a lot of internal and external change going on for me at the moment.
Historically, I’ve worked through a lot of change, in different ways, but more is on it’s way, rising from deep within and arising from outside sources.
This is leading me to feel a resurgence of anxiety that I had a massive bout of a while back, earlier in the year. Then, I was waking with fear in my gut, leading to nausea and retching. The retching isn’t so bad just now, I think largely because of a lot of the work I’ve been doing to keep myself calm, through meditation, yoga, Qigong, walking, working with clay. Even so, I’m having to work really hard today to achieve a sense of calm, and I can’t concentrate for very long at all. So, I’ve chosen to rest into it, not push myself, and to focus on bringing my awareness to the absence of any immediate threats. The fear that I’m feeling is in my mind, to do with past experiences and the unknowns of the future. But I’m OK today. That’s what I tell myself and keep telling myself. I’m OK today.
Lydia showed signs of fear this morning when we saw a dog in the distance. The other dog – Elkie – is one we’ve seen before and her owner is sensitive to our needs. He makes sure his dog doesn’t get too close to Lydia while I make sure that I keep the distance from our side too. I do what I can to help and talk her through the experience in what I hope is a reassuring way. She still growls, snarls, barks and tries to lunge, but I hold her on a short lead while stroking her head and ears. We turn to walk in the opposite direction, she has a good shake, and I start using the “heel” command combined with “Yes” and treats to mark and reward. It isn’t long before she’s settled down fairly soon to a steady pace and we resume our walk. I tell her how well she’s done and even though I don’t think she understands this, I hope she picks up the praise from my tone of voice at least. She gets more “good girl” treats as we’re going along. I also repeatedly tell her that we’re OK, that she’s OK, that we’re all OK.
We’ve both still got a long way to go to work through our fears, and all we can do is keep trying, following the guidance we’ve been given, learning, reflecting reviewing, and repeating as and when needed, for as long as it takes.
Yesterday I ate cake and nothing but cake. But I didn’t eat the whole cake. I had some more for brunch today and there’s still plenty left. It’s just as well, then, that I like cake.
It’s quickly come back round to ‘Mental Health Monday’, with yoga and Qigong each concentrating on areas that I’m glad to have some help with, including joints, back and legs. All good for mind, body and spirit.
Lydia is learning not to bark at the sheep in a field close to where we start our woodland walk. The field that the path to the wood cuts through is planted with a combination of brassicas and legumes that are still in the early stages of growing. I haven’t seen this combination of planting before, and wonder if it will be a crop that matures before winter, or in the spring. We shall see.
Although it is a signed public footpath through the field, I’m careful where I tread, to minimise impact on the crop. At the moment it doesn’t look like it’s getting much traffic other than from Lydia and me, but over the last few years it has been well trod throughout the year.
Lydia spots a squirrel in a tree, but doesn’t seem too inclined to try and chase it. She does sniff and pull a lot through the wood. On the way back, though, she’s more settled. With a bit of encouragement from me, we walk past the sheep and get back to the car. It’s a grey dampish day but thanks to Lydia I’ve had a chance to get some fresh air and exercise, and smell the smells of the earth and the autumn leaves.
A friend told me recently that she had started to suffer from anxiety.
It had taken her by surprise as she loves her life, and considers the anxiety to be a chemical imbalance, that she is addressing through prescription medication.
I remember once feeling so frustrated when a GP described my mental health difficulties as a chemical imbalance. For me, medication has only ever been part of the equation, because of the complex nature of my experiences.
While I continue to rely on a daily dose of anti-depressant medication – a maintenance dose – I continue to additionally find my own ways of addressing internal imbalance, through the practises of Qigong, yoga, meditation and so on.
With no pottery session planned this afternoon, I’m booked in for an additional yoga class.
Lydia and I have had a walk together and she is now enjoying some time out in the back yard – her yard.
I’ve done a bit of housework so far, made and drunk some coffee, had some breakfast – a crusty roll with blackcurrant jam.
It may not be the most exciting start to the most exciting day, but it is just a start.
Later …
I do some front yard work – tidying, sweeping, cleaning – in preparation for the winter ahead. It’s good to do focused physical work, outside in the fresh air. And good to keep up my momentum of ‘a bit at a time’. Things are gradually getting done.
Glad About 
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