Author: 'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'

I often look back but always move forward, opening to the possibilities that life filled with wealth - in all its forms - can bring

Poetry Rule No. 47 – Still in development (or should that be ‘instill development’?)

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Fox, Alert

Once, upon a green and white day, I walked
with shades of blue and grey above
and occasional muted pools of golden light
along the way

Cold and still, it was as
wrapped in thoughts and clothes
I lumbered on
taking weary steps in heavy boots
glad to be out but ill at ease
and with no easy motion

Then, suddenly, up ahead
a quick quiet movement of life
and limbs
and fur of warm brown red

A dog, I thought, at first - but no -
a fox!

I stopped and stared
and thrilled at each tight turn

Alert though not aware of me
she moved, close enough to see
the splash of white
upon her breast
no cunning vixen, she
with body, mind and spirit
in perfect poise
and purposeful grace
beside the still
and silent
trees

Doing what she needed to do
being what she needed to be

But then I moved
and she was gone

So I carried on 
through the green and white day
with shades of blue and grey
moving easier now
but missing her and wishing
that our eyes had met
that I hadn't seemed a threat

For in her hungry hunt for food
she had nourished me
and warmed my heart
while her cold search
went on

Alone, both
and alive

She free, and I
a few steps closer now
to being
me

(c) Maggie Baker 1998 & Glad the Poet 2020












			


    



			
				


 	

					
Affirmations
		
				

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“I choose to be peaceful and calm. Everything is unfolding as it should.”





Affirmations can be hard to take on faith at the best of times. At times like this – and especially with an affirmation like this – it can be even harder.





On my daily walk with my partner, in the beautiful spring sunshine and along the peaceful country lanes around where we are lucky enough to live, I’ve stopped and said this affirmation out loud, and it has helped; helped me to remind myself that I can choose to respond to any given situation in a calm and peaceful way, providing I have control of my emotions and my mind.  It might be hard, but not impossible.  It is something that I can keep working towards being able to do, even if I can’t do it now.





I first started to use this affirmation a few months ago, when I was struggling with some very difficult work situations and high levels of associated anxiety.





I discovered it in a slightly different form at http://thinkup.me/affirm and my thanks go to the author of that article. (5 Recommended Positive Affirmations for Anxiety by Yvonne Williams Casaus, 26 December 2017)  





After struggling with anxiety and depression for many years, I keep thinking that I’ve beaten them, only to be hit again by another wave.





The difference, though, between when I first started my personal battle with depression – in my teens – and now – in my 60s – is that I now have a well-stocked resource bank of strategies to fall back on. 





Even so, the nature of the disease- and it is a dis-ease – is such that it can be hard to fall back on what we know works when we are at our lowest ebb.  I also find that I no longer have the reserves of fighting energy that I used to have, but if I can at least find an affirmation that resonates with me – even on a leap of faith – then I am doing something positive to pull myself through. 





The first time I came across affirmations was when I was going through a breakdown in my late thirties. 





Suddenly reaching out – desperately, as I knew I was in danger of drowning and was definitely not waving – I found that there were sources of help and support around that I had never even heard about before or could imagine being available. 





Counselling was one of these, meditation another, and I also came across a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay (1984).





In that book , as I recall, I identified an affirmation that reflected the exact opposite of how I was feeling:





“I am the love and beauty of life in full expression.”





At the time, I was feeling like the worst wretch that ever crawled the planet. But I knew I had to do something to turn my life around and so I took on board the affirmation and kept saying it to myself again and again and again. And it worked. Not on its own, not without me doing all sort of other things at the same time and ever since, but it helped to cure my warts (literally) and set me on the path to keep working and trying, never giving up. 





This brings me to some more poetry, and Poetry Rule No. 28, Stand your ground when you need to; move when you don’t





Sometimes





Sometimes
it isn’t as bad
as you think
it’s going to be
it isn’t even worse
as you hesitate 
with anticipation
and brace yourself
to curse





Sometimes
you’re presently surprised
more than you thought 
you could be
when you’re met with
some small kindness
unexpectedly





At times like these
it’s good to be wrong
in fact I would go
so far as to say
it’s a blessing
that’s been missing
for a long time 
so, no messing
seriously





Sometimes
are better than
no times never
wouldn’t you
agree?





(c) Maggie ‘Glad the Poet’ Baker 1998




			


    



			
				


 	

					
Being Glad
		
				

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I’ve recently been fortunate to have taken part in a group poetry project.





Group experiences have been central to my mental health recovery for many years.





Some group experiences have an uplifting, energising and inspiring effect; others lead to alienation, isolation and degradation.





The poetry group experience that I’ve recently had was a good one, thanks largely to the enthusiasm and encouragement of the group leader https://mariafrankland.co.uk/.





Everybody’s contribution was important though, otherwise we wouldn’t have ended up being able to publish our anthology https://www.amazon.co.uk/More-Poetry-Newly-Single-Something/dp/1697621732/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=more+poetry+for+the+newly+single+40+something&qid=1584785987&s=books&sr=1-1.





In case you don’t want to buy the book, or perhaps as a taster (I’m one of 12 poets in the  completed work), here are my poems from the collection:





Now

Now
at the Pinnacle
14-and-a-half per cent
proof point of my existence
I’ve reached the Nottage Hill
sub-station of my life
I haven’t got a Sauvignon Blanc’s clue
about what to do next
other than to ‘méthode-champenoise’
my way through and hope
that if the cork crumbles
the bottle won’t be blue
and the sieve will be fine
so that
just for now
I can at least
drink the wine





I can dance





I can dance without moving my feet at all
I don’t have to do the foxtrot
or quickstep my way to any ball
I can cry without moving my lips
I can laugh without making a sound
all I have to do is know
that the earth is flat, it isn’t round
The dance is mine to make up
from the music of the wind
a sense of something swirling
in and around my mind
I don’t need a choreographer
an audience or loud applause
I just need to dance in my own way
and then I’ll dance some more
I can dance without moving my feet at all
on and on and on and on
it is my dance
my life
my call





Here’s to Wealth!





Cheers my dear
to the love that you bring
into my life
and though I never want
to be your wife
I want to share with you
all the good things
that life brings

I love it when you sing
as I know it comes
from within your soul
and as we learn together
to love each other
something magical
unfolds





The trees without leaves
that you hung
around my neck
and from my ears
help to take away
all my fears
of things undone
of words unsaid
the sadness
of never nurturing
a child upon
my breast





Where once was hope
and then despair
becomes a sense of
stillness
in the air
and from that place
of breathing
and of wings
comes freedom to wonder
and wander
into the rich realms
of being together
feeding the birds
with the wealth
of our love





Instant Coffee





Heading for instant gratification
no time to waste or spare
I take my mug into the kitchen
only to find a queue of people there





Halted, suddenly, empty cup in hand
my thoughts spill over into the needs of others
heads bowed or lifted
as we together stand





I only needed coffee
and soon the queue was gone
my waiting time was over
but for someone else it had only just begun





***





I’m also proud of the back cover copy that I wrote for the book:





A relationship break-up can be a difficult experience at any age.  It isn’t always easy to see the opportunity beyond the heartache, and even less easy to find ways of putting the experience into words. 





The triumphs of Maria Stephenson’s emergence into a new life as a writer and teacher are embodied in her collection of ‘Poetry for the Newly Single Forty Something’ (2017).  Maria didn’t just stop at publishing her own collection though.  She inspired others to explore their creative approaches to the theme, leading to this exciting anthology, which is more than the sum of its poems.





The words of each poet paint a picture of part of their own unique life story. Demonstrating diverse responses to life and writing challenges, threads of commonality emerge and unite.





What are you waiting for? Dive in, explore, share in the joy of words and wonders of life that these writers have explored and shared. These poems aren’t just about being newly single, or about being forty something, they are about being – essentially – human.





The reason for my pride is partly because I think it stands well as a piece of writing in its own right (and even being able to credit myself with that is a remarkable* achievement in its own right), and partly because of what it represents for me in terms of having come through what I’ve come through, still fighting, still writing, still reaching out.





* https://iamremarkable.withgoogle.com/ (#IamRemarkable is a Google initiative empowering women and underrepresented groups to celebrate their achievements in the workplace and beyond.)


			


    



			
				


 	

					
Beyond Willpower
		
				

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I’ve recently read an article in the BBC’s Science Focus journal about willpower. 





I’m not a scientist which is one of the reasons why I get this journal every month. I find out about all sorts of interesting things that I wouldn’t hear about otherwise, and it’s generally a really good, accessible read (although some bits go way over my head!).





In this article there was reference to willpower in relation to eating disorders and the impact that meditation and other aspects of mindfulness training can have on the power of the human will. 





In my early teenage years, I had to use willpower to start to take control of my own life, but eventually had to allow myself to move beyond it and enter that scary place where self-control no longer prevailed. 





I still use willpower – to push myself from the point of doing nothing – which I can so easily fall into – to the point of doing something, making a start with decorating my house, for example.  But as far as eating is concerned, I seem to have arrived at a much healthier state of mind, where I eat when I’m hungry and recognise the signs when I’m full.  I enjoy food – a whole range of different types of food, not just the ‘cottage cheese and crispbread, endless omelettes and no chips diet’ that I lived on for many, many years. 





When I concentrated on eating as little as I possibly could everyday, I had little capacity to concentrate on anything else. I’m no longer limiting my life like I limited my food intake although I’m not just eating my way into the oblivion of obesity either. 





Ironically, the room that I’ve started working on in the house is the dining room. I’ve found a fabulous wallpaper – ‘Mystical Forest’ – and I’m taking my time, doing a bit at a time, and can gradually feel that sense of transition from having to push myself to do it, to getting drawn in to the process of doing it, and taking pride in the way it looks. I don’t think I will gain any interior design awards, but it is a labour of love, to enhance the lovely home that me and my lovely partner are lucky enough to live in. 





Poetry in wallpaper!


			


    



			
				


			
				


 	

					
I’m Glad
		
				

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It’s not my real name, but ‘Glad’ is better than sad, and I’ve worked hard in my life to be Glad, not sad.





I’ve recently started decorating my house – our house.  This may not seem like an amazing revelation or achievement, but it is for me. I’m 64 years old and have had a long struggle to be able to enjoy doing the everyday things that I can focus on now. 

It’s taken about fifty years of unlearning and then re-learning how to  be me.  Poetry hasn’t been the only vehicle I’ve used for recovery and discovery, but it has been a regular companion along the way.

As a teenager – like many teenagers since and still – I developed a very negative self-image of myself, inside and out.

Out  
Out, out into the world
That’s where I wanted to go
What I wanted to do
When I was young
But when I looked in the mirror
All I could see
Was an ugly, unattractive body
Looking back at me

I went on a diet from the age of about 15 that lasted for the next 30 years or so, and affected every aspect of my life (or more accurately non-life that it had become).  I didn’t think I had anything to offer as a person, didn’t know how to form relationships, and put all my energy into losing weight.  At least if I was thin, that would be something.  Except it led to nothing, because it wasn’t solid ground on which to build a life.  It was the best I could do at the time, but I did eventually realise, after I’d had a major breakdown in my late thirties, and was trying to get myself going again in my forties, that I needed to eat, to give me energy, to be able to live.  I had to finally, eventually, push through that awful sense of self-loathing that I associated with putting on weight in order to emerge as a (literally as well as generally) well-rounded person with an appetite for life.

I still have to work at it, still take anti-depressants,  can’t use shop changing rooms or look at myself naked in a mirror, but on the whole this does not affect my ability to enjoy my life – with my partner – and try to make the most of every day.

I can still very easily cut myself off, go into ‘zombie’ mode, more readily associate with entropy than energy, so decorating my house – however long it takes – and writing this blog – wherever it takes me – are positive signs of engagement; action rather than inaction. 

I hope my poems and other musings may resonate with anyone who has struggled to find their own identity and path through life.  I know now that there are endless possibilities and I hope that the following poem (in six parts) helps to show how important it is for each of us to find our fighting spirit:

Jacket 1
It’s there, on the chair
The red fleece jacket
With hood and drawstring waist
That I don’t want to wear
Don’t want to keep

It’s warm and soft when I put it on
But far too big for me
Drowned in a red sea
Shapeless, I feel
A baggy, saggy, faceless entity





I look at the jacket
On the chair
In limp, loose folds of red, and seams
This isn’t the jacket of my dreams





It’s theirs to wear
Not mine to keep
Their tears to cry
Not mine to weep





It’s there, on the chair
The red fleece jacket
With hood and drawstring waist
That I don’t want to wear
Don’t want to keep
So I’ve put a price on its head
To let it go free
To someone who wants it
But when will that be?





Jacket 2
It’s there, on the chair
The red fleece jacket
With hood and drawstring waist
That I don’t want to wear
Don’t want to keep





It’s warm and soft when I put it on
But far too big for me
Drowned in a red sea
Shapeless, I feel
A baggy, saggy, faceless entity





I look at the jacket
On the chair
In limp, loose folds of red, and seams
This isn’t the jacket of my dreams





It’s not  my layer
These aren’t my lies
With drawstring waist
And nylon ties





It’s not my jacket
They’re not my dreams
These aren’t my ties
They’re not my seams





So I leave the jacket
On the chair
To go my way
While they go theirs





Jacket 3
Now it hangs upon the door
That red fleece jacket
That I didn’t want to wear
Didn’t want to keep





It’s warm and soft when I put it on
And not too big for me
Warmed in a red sea
Shapeless no more
No baggy, saggy faceless entity





I look at the jacket
On the door
In limp, loose folds of red, and seams
It’s not the jacket of my dreams
But just a layer to keep me warm
From frozen looks
And glares of scorn





It is my jacket
With hood and waist
To wear a while
From place to place





Jacket 4
What next?





Jacket 5
Jacket in?





Jacket 6
No!