Maggie Baker writing about … being Glad … about …

Day 12

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

Continuing the story of Lydia & Me

A pile of old bricks, a.k.a. my sawdust kiln

I set fire to my sawdust kiln this morning, having repositioned it away from the passionflower vine that is spreading from the back trellis.

Lydia has gone into kennels for three nights, so she won’t be adversely affected by the smoke from the kiln and I don’t have to worry about her getting too close to the hot bricks.  I’ll pick her up on Monday morning after the Aldborough & Boroughbridge Show on Sunday.

The kiln contains the 28 small pots that I threw on the wheel a few months ago.

I’ve experimented by wrapping some of them with copper wire and placing banana skin, wire wool, rice grains, and wood veneer inside in various combinations. I’ve also popped in a bit of Lydia’s fur that I’ve kept from grooming sessions. It will be interesting to see the different effects that these added materials make.

I’ll be using the pots as my version of a business card for the Show.  Inside I’ll place curled up slips of paper with my Instagram address and my blog address printed on them.  That way I hope to promote my work in words as well as in clay.

I like the idea of having pots to give away.  I’ve done it before and found that people are very surprised and pleased to be able to take away a pot that they haven’t had to pay for, however small.

I haven’t got much more preparation left to do now, but like to work at my own pace, with no pressure.  

All I have to do now, as far as the firing is concerned, is wait until tomorrow morning, by which time there should be no more smoke emerging from the kiln and the bricks should be cool enough to touch.

I get very impatient when I have a kiln firing on the go. Can’t wait to see the results, although – of course – that’s exactly what I have to do!

Day 11

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Spider plants that my “supreme unchanging friend” Maxine grew for me

There were big farm machines harvesting crops in the fields by the side of the road where Lydia and I walked this morning. She’s quite used to farm trucks now and was generally quite settled as they passed.

I’m feeling generally quite settled, although I do have a dentist appointment today. I’ll just concentrate on my breathing and I’m sure it will be fine.

I’m continuing to steadily prepare for the Aldborough & Boroughbridge Show on Sunday.

As featured in yesterday’s post, I’ve planted up some of my pots, with plants that I bought, such as ivy and a heart-shaped vine, but mostly using spider plants that my friend Maxine propagated for me. Everyone should have a friend like Maxine, not just because she propagated spider plants for me – and also gave me some pepper, tomato and cucumber plants that she’s grown from seed – but because she’s been there for me at every turn through some very dark and difficult times. She’s the “supreme unchanging friend” that the Buddhist teachings talk about.

Last night’s class was the fourth on the theme of ‘Cool to be Kind’.  We looked at the “mirror of dharma”, reflecting on how easy it is to see the faults of others but how Buddhist teachings (dharma) can help us to cherish others instead.

The reference book for last night’s teachings was, ‘The New Eight Steps to Happiness – The Buddhist Way of Loving Kindness’ by the Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso[1].

I have a copy of this book and when I picked it up this morning, found a bookmark at page 149.  This is the start of a chapter, ‘Accepting Defeat and Offering the Victory’, with the verse:

When others out of jealousy or anger
Harm me or insult me,
May I take defeat upon myself
And offer them the victory.

This is something I’ve been working on doing, particularly over the last 18 months.  I haven’t and don’t find it easy, and in fact I find it psychologically and emotionally draining.  But it somehow feels like the right thing to do. It offers a way forward for me, even though I don’t know where that way forward is leading.

However, I do have good friends to share my journey with me; and a Show to go to on Sunday.

[1] Founder and spiritual director of the New Kadampa Tradition – International Kadampa Buddhist Union

Day 10

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

All planted up, ready for the Show on Sunday

I’m steadily getting ready to put some of my ceramic work up for sale at the Aldborough & Boroughbridge Show on Sunday.  It’s taking place at Newby Hall near Ripon, so a fabulous venue, and should be a good day.

This morning, I had a lovely time outside, planting up some pots to enhance my display.

I’ve bought a few embellishments – hearts, butterflies, dragonflies – to add further interest.

I enjoy setting up a stand for a day. It’s good to meet different people: talk about pots; talk about the weather. It’s good to get sales too, of course!

After planting up my pots, I did some weeding in the garden.  Lydia helped me, just by being there.  I told her she was helping me and she went on to prove it even further, by doing some digging. Lydia does her digging and I do my weeding.  I’m hoping we’ll have more garden time together over the summer, just doing what we feel like doing.

 

Day 9

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Lydia is very calm on our walk this morning; much calmer than she’s been on a walk for a very long time. It’s lovely just to amble along with her, stop when she sniffs at and forages blackberries, feel no need to do much other than just walk along with my dog beside me. I tell her what a lovely dog she is and let her know how much I’m enjoying my walk with her.

I also thank her when we get back to the car. I want her to feel appreciated. She is.

The sense of mellowness and calm continues throughout the day.

I visit a friend in the village. We also go for a walk together, and we thank each other to show our appreciation of each other’s company.  It’s a lovely thing, to enjoy the company of another; nothing to prove; just a sense of being together, being alive and being there for each other, even if it’s just for that day.

As I write, Lydia is enjoying being outside on a day which is warmish with a soothing breeze.

I’m enjoying being inside, with the door open.

A lingering sadness remains and always will, but the nagging, aching grief has gone, as each day brings something new, or not new. It doesn’t matter. Each day just brings.

No such thing

There’s no such thing
As an ordinary day
Each day awakens
In its own way

Some days it rains
Some days it’s sunny
Some days are serious
And nothing seems funny

There’s no so thing
As an ordinary day
Each day is different
In its own way

Some days are lonely
Some days are glad
Some days are joyful
Others are sad

There’s no such thing
As an ordinary day
Each day unfolds
In its own way

Some days are busy
Others are slow
Some days it’s hard
To know which way to go

There’s no such thing
As an ordinary day
Each one just passes
In its own way

***

And when the day
Is done and gone
We sleep
Until another day
That isn’t ordinary
Comes along

Maggie Baker
April 2025

Day 8

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

We had an early start this morning, Lydia and me.

It was misty when we stepped out, and the spiders had been busy all night by the look of it. There were webs everywhere, finely woven and sparkling when the sun started to shine.

After our walk, I gave Lydia her breakfast and headed off to meet up with a friend.

We don’t meet often, this friend and I, but we settled into each other’s company quickly and easily, as only good friends can do.

Like me, she has recently suffered from anxiety, so we were able to ‘compare notes’. She’s found hypnotherapy a great help; I’ve found meditation works for me, along with affirmations.

“I choose to be peaceful and calm. Everything is unfolding as it should.”

I did a quick Google search and it seems that hypnotherapy is not usually available on the NHS, which means that it sometimes is.

I’ll stick with meditation for now, but hypnotherapy is something that I had little awareness of before and know a bit more about now.

We talked about a lot of other things too, of course, and I so enjoyed catching up with my friend. Then I had another good friend to go home to: Lydia of course!

Good friends come in all shapes, sizes and species. I don’t know where I’d be without them.

Day 7

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

My book, A Woman, a Dog & a Blog: Writing into Life, published today on Amazon.

https://amzn.eu/d/d5VCvg0

Writing a blog post every day is a challenge I’ve set myself, after several years of only being able to write a blog post every few weeks or months. It’s taken a long time to get my brain to work the way it is working now, and writing has played an important part of my recovery journey.

Getting stuff out of my head and on to paper – however, incoherent and uncoordinated that stuff was – helped with clearing out the crap. I started the process long ago, it’s only now that I can write with a sense of connectedness to my self, and a sense that it might also help to connect with others.

A lot of people may think that they “can’t write”, like a lot of people think that they “can’t sing”, or draw, or paint, or do anything much at all.

We often judge and self-limit, at least in part because we’ve been previously judged and limited by people who wanted to control us, who didn’t want to feel threatened by our presence; our potential.

I know now, quite categorically and with absolute certainty, that I can sing.

I may not sing in a way that other people would consider to be ‘in tune’ or appealing, but that doesn’t matter. I can sing.

My favourite song to sing is ‘Fairytale of New York’ by The Pogues. I used to sing it every year at work, with my mate Dave. I last sang it – loud and strong – at a Hen do.

I know also that I can write. I write because I want to and I hope that my writing may also help anyone reading it to find the sense of self that I have done, in a world that for many years didn’t make sense to me at all.

I’ve struggled all my life to identify with any kind of role; but I do now identify with the self-appointed roles that I have: writer, artist and dog trainer (not necessarily in that order and with no qualifications whatsoever for the latter).

I’ve had holding ‘roles’ before, that were part of my development and needed to be, but they have all led up to this, and the work I do now, with words, with clay and with my dog.  

Day 6

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

I needed a rest today; Lydia did too.

It’s raining.

She shows no interest in or inclination to go out in it.

We’re normally both all-weather girls, but today I have no interest in or inclination to go out in it either.

I leave the back door open so that she can go outside if she needs to, and go back to bed.

On checking my phone mid-afternoon, I see that it’s still showing the “connect charger” message.

There is no light on the extension board and no light comes on when I press the wall switch.  We have a power cut.

My phone charge is low so I turn it off, in case of emergency.

Thankfully, I can boil some water on the gas hob so make myself a cup of tea.

This is a ‘down day’ but not a ‘down day’.

The depression that I’ve been working through most of my life has gone, as has most of the more recent anxiety.

I’m tired – of course I am – but I’m neither ‘down’ nor ‘out’. I’m OK. We’re OK.

When I look over at Lydia, she is gently licking her paws and doing what she needs to do to look after herself, like I do.

For now, that means doing very little, and that’s enough.

Later we do go out for a walk, between showers.

When I give Lydia her tea, feeding her by hand as I always do, she waits a full two minutes in the “stay” position before I reward her with a raw chicken drumstick.

As always, I remind anyone and everyone to take veterinary advice on any aspect of dog feeding and nutrition. I only know what works for me and Lydia.  All dogs are different, just like all people are different.

The power comes back on.

Day 5

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Lydia emerging from the tunnel at the dog field this morning.

How do we find solutions to problems if we don’t know the root cause?

The answer, of course, is “with great difficulty”.

In fact, if we don’t identify the root cause of a problem, we are only ever going to be treating the surrounding tissue, which may alleviate symptoms for a while, but does nothing for the longer term.

As I’ve continued my journey of recovery from mental health and emotional difficulties that got buried deep inside when I was a child, I’ve come to realise that I’ve still got a long way to go.

I’ll turn 70 at my next birthday. I am, in all aspects, in a better place than I’ve ever been in my life, but the process of healing continues, probably because it’s only just begun.

There are times now when I can physically feel the emotional and psychological pain – pain that was compacted down into the mould that was made for me when I was young – finally pushing out from the core of my bones and the pores of my body.

It’s only because I’ve finally been able to acknowledge the source and reach a point of acceptance, that I can sit with this pain, experience it, let it go.

It’s taken a lot of work, a lot of searching, a lot of learning, a lot of losing, a lot of loving, to arrive at this point.

And I do feel sadness, regret, an ache for what I haven’t had, that a lot of people take for granted or even don’t appreciate at all: family. My own family.

But I also know that I have been so, so lucky to have met the people that I’ve met, learned what I’ve learned, found what I’ve found.

As I write there is gentle music playing, the back door is open and Lydia is lying in one of her favourite places, just outside.

It’s a spot that is fairly cool in this summer weather and from which she has a good vantage point of her domain: our back yard.

She barks occasionally at potential invaders – mainly pigeons – but mostly just enjoys being there, as I am enjoying, being here.

I realise that somebody, or circumstances, could take that away from me. But for now, I’m just glad for what I have. It’s a lot.

Day 4

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Eight more pots in the making; it’s a slow process but a good one

I took Lydia for an appointment at the grooming studio this morning. She continues to be more relaxed each time we go. As always, Vicky the groomer gives her lots of reassurance, encouragement and treats. Lydia is quite rightly proud of herself at the end of the session. She is doing so well, and I’m proud of her too.

Later I collected the 28 small pots that I made back in May. These have now been through their first firing which means they are at the ‘bisque’ or ‘biscuit’ stage.

My plan is to give them a second firing in a sawdust kiln.

A sawdust kiln is basically a heatproof container into which pots are placed, with lots of fine sawdust packed around them.

My sawdust kiln is made out of old bricks that I acquired from a neighbour.

I don’t have the space or scope for any other type of kiln at home but I do like to experiment with a sawdust firing now and then.

I’ll be doing the firing soon as these pots will be part of my display at the Aldborough & Boroughbridge Show, on 27 July.

After collecting my bisque-fired pots I had an afternoon at the pottery studio, finishing some work I threw a few weeks ago on the potter’s wheel. I love the process of turning the pots when they are leather hard, trimming away excess clay until I’m satisfied with the shapes.

This evening I am tired and more than a little despondent. I’m sure the latter low mood is at least in part influenced by the former state. Bringing myself back into wellness has been and still is a long haul. I have better support and good things going on in my life than I’ve ever had, but tonight  I just feel ‘washed out’.

Lydia helps to lift me though. Just seeing her lovely face looking at me as I feed her, and hearing her make soft gutteral sounds of pleasure and anticipated pleasure is all I need to reboot.

Day 3

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Last year I was given a great gift.

It was wrapped up in special packaging: a teaching and meditation morning at a Buddhist centre.

The teaching carried in it a message that helped me to put to rest something that I’d been struggling with for decades.

I’d thought, for a long time, that I would never be able to put right mistakes that I’d made in the past because they were too big; too major.  I thought that I’d fallen and failed early on in my life and all my efforts to rebuild had failed too. Despite doing my best to push through on positives for a long time, it had never been enough.

Then, suddenly, there it was, in the teaching that morning.  It was possible for me to put the past behind me and be happy in the present.  All I had to do was develop a calm and peaceful mind.

That teaching gave me hope, when I needed hope, and I’ve been building on it ever since.

That doesn’t mean that I am suddenly happy and joyful all the time.  You don’t go through a lifetime of struggling with complex mental health and emotional difficulties without that struggle alone taking its toll.  But I now allow myself to feel lighter, have stopped berating myself, stopped feeling responsible for everything that goes ‘wrong’ or has gone ‘wrong’ in the past.

For a long time, friends have told me that I deserved to be happy, but there was something so badly hurt, and at such a deep level, that it’s taken a long, long time for that place of hurt to be finally exposed to a point of healing, and for that healing to start taking place.

Tonight is a meeting of the Buddhist group that I go to, which is an outreach from the Centre that I went to last year[i].

I’ve already had a good day today, and I have that to look forward to this evening. 

Some gifts just keep on giving.

[i] Madhyamaka Centre, Pocklington, UK

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random – Glad About Life: https://amzn.eu/d/6Ptwe4S

Woman, a Dog & a Blog – Writing into Life: https://amzn.eu/d/63qIYzR