Category: recovery

Day 15 – Change

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Writing into Life

 

After yesterday’s sensation of clarity and light emerging, today brings an inner pull into heavy and dark.

Recognising this as part of a process is important.  The dark thoughts are the deluded thoughts; the process of moving from dark to light takes time and effort; practice, patience and persistence.

Following an early visit with Lydia to Vicky the groomer and then a walk, after breakfast – kindly cooked for me by Trev in the form of porridge and a cup of fresh coffee – I went back to bed for a few hours. Lydia was also happy to rest.

It’s unusual for me, these days, to do this.  I do generally need to go to bed early and get up late when I can, but this morning it’s fair to say that I felt a pull into dark at a deep level and decided to rest.  I have enough positive activity built into my week generally to be able to give in to that inward pull occasionally, and today I needed to just be with it.

Yesterday I missed both yoga and Qigong as I had to get my car fixed.  I think this may have played no small part in how I feel today.  However, after a couple of hours resting, I get up, brush my hair, put on some make up, give Lydia some fuss, open the back door so that she can enjoy the fresh air, and start writing. 

Writing is helping me to process, just like other things are.  I’m visiting M in her care home this afternoon and we should be able to go outside into the garden as we usually do on a fine day. I enjoy reading to her; short stories from a magazine.  She usually dozes off when I do, which I take as no reflection on my reading style, just a sign that she is relaxed and comfortable in my company. I hope so. 

Before heading out I remember to meditate. I don’t have to sit cross-legged – thank goodness, because I couldn’t – but adopt a comfortable seated upright posture and focus on my breath. Fresh air coming through the back door helps.

 

 

 

Day 14 – clarity

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Writing into Life

The gears in my car are still not fixed so I’m taking it back to the garage again this afternoon.

I know it will get sorted, one way or another, sooner or later. I do hope it’s sooner though.

Some clarity of thought is coming through and I woke this morning with a lighter heart than I’ve had for a long time.

Even so, I revelled in being able to lie in bed until after 9am, before getting up, making tea for Trev and me, and then doing a short meditation before taking Lydia out for her walk.

Even just a five-minute meditation on a morning is making a real difference, combined with the group sessions that I take part in on a Wednesday evening and the additional occasional teachings at the centre. It’s a slow shift but a shift nonetheless. Yoga and Qigong also have strong meditative aspects to them, working at different levels.

It’s another warm September morning – we are still so blessed with the weather. I know we are blessed whatever the weather but I have enjoyed the weather this summer, moving into autumn.

On the way back I stop off to post a birthday card for a friend – the friend I mentioned in my post on volunteering a couple of days ago. https://gladabout.life/2025/09/06/day-12-volunteering/ She knows who she is!

While waiting in the queue at the post office I do a few exercises for my knees. They are so much better now than a few months ago and I’m not taking that for granted.

I then went on to buy a large unsliced loaf from the local bakery.  Two big chunky slices with olive spread and blackcurrant jam make a delicious breakfast for me while Lydia enjoys her food from her feeding ball.

I think back to when I restricted my food intake to such an extent that I used to do an eight-hour evening shift as a waitress, full on, on my feet and rushing round all that time, before I would allow myself a slice of bread for breakfast the following morning.

Even though breakfast for me now is usually late – today around 11.30am – and I rarely have lunch, it’s not because I’m limiting myself by willpower, it’s just because I don’t want to do things any differently. I don’t want or need three meals a day plus snacks.

I’m not thin, but I’m not heavily overweight either. I have Lydia to thank for that, at least in part.  Our regular walks every day give my system a much-needed boost.

Day 13 – fear

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Writing into Life

Lydia started whining when she saw a dog from a distance this morning.  I think she may be starting to process the pain associated with her fear.  I don’t know for sure, but can only continue to provide support, guidance and reassurance in the best way that I can, using the guidance that I in turn have been provided by dog behaviourists and trainers. 

Later we both enjoyed some quiet time outside at the back, with the warmth of the air very soothing this September.

I did some breathing meditation, using the ‘Om Ah Hum’ mantra: Om, as I breathe in, Ah as I hold my breath, Hum as I breathe out.

That is also very soothing.  I know that it is much more than soothing, but I don’t have the words to express that right now, so I’ll settle for soothing for the time being.

After a bit of garden tidying, I don’t feel like doing much else today.  I’ve made the preparations for tonight’s evening meal so I can just relax and do nothing, although I’ve started watching the latest series of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’ on demand.

During Covid I binge-watched all the back series and carried on watching until I reached a point where I didn’t want to watch any more. I do struggle, though, to find anything else that draws my interest these days and the other day I thought I’d give MAFSAU another go. 

It’s pulling me back in, not least because, cutting through all the glamour and gloss, it brings into focus the struggles that many of us have in terms of establishing and maintaining close personal relationships. My heart goes out particularly to those participants who think that it is a shortfall on their part when their newly wed husband or wife starts to reject them.  I personally don’t think it’s anything of the kind.  It all, I believe, comes back to fear.

 

 

Day 12 – volunteering

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Writing into Life

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Lydia had some anxious moments when she saw another dog while we were out on our walk this morning.  I helped her through her anxiety with some guidance and reassurance, and hope that, over time, and with continued reinforcement, she will start to realise that she no longer has anything to fear, providing I’m with her. It’s no easy thing, working through deep-rooted fear. I know that from my own experience.

Latterly, and increasingly, I’m finding guidance and reassurance from the Buddhist community that I’m lucky enough to live near.  When I say ‘near’, it’s about a 45-minute drive away, but it’s near enough and it still amazes me that it’s there at all.

Finding a source of meaningful guidance and support through fear and anxiety is a big thing. It took me a long time to search out and find this guidance and support but I’m sticking with it now, and hoping that I’ll be able to give back through some volunteering work with the Centre.

I’ve done a lot of volunteering in my life, which has been part of my searching journey.

While at 69 I don’t have the same amount of available energy as I had when I was younger, I feel that I have a clarity and a focus that I didn’t have when I was younger either, so hopefully there’s a bit of a balance going on.

I have a friend who volunteers practically every weekend, after a full-on working week. That’s quite something, especially as it involves a lot of driving and early-morning starts.  Most people want to have long lie-ins at the weekend, but not my friend.  She’s a true star in every sense. Some people just keep shining. You know who you are Jo!

Day 11 – welcome

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 Writing into Life

As I wake this morning I reflect on a reminder from the Buddhist teachings over the last few months:

Welcome Wholeheartedly Whatever

It isn’t always easy to welcome the difficult stuff especially when it feels like there’s no end of difficult stuff to deal with.

But I find that the more I apply this principle, the more I begin to understand what it means. I’ve still got a long way to go in deepening my understanding of what it means, but I’ll keep working on it.

Today, though tired after yesterday’s intensive session at the studio, including the 50-minute drives to get there and back, I feel a sense of something having shifted in my inner landscape; not a momentous shift – marginal, but a shift nonetheless.

Sticking with a steady routine of walking Lydia daily, going to regular yoga and Qigong classes, building a short meditation practice into my morning routine, benefiting from the expert guidance and teachings from the Buddhist Centre and the weekly classes, and returning to the pottery studio for an afternoon of contemplative creativity in conducive company, are all helping to restore something in me that has needed to be restored for a very long time.

As I write, Lydia is relaxing in a corner of the room on her favourite rug.  She’s had her walk and breakfast, spent a bit of time outside doing a bit of barking, and now – like me – she is ready to rest a bit.

I’ll go out later and do a bit of shopping, taking some soft plastic waste with me to go in the recycling bins that Aldi have in store.  Their distribution methods do create a lot of plastic waste but at least they provide recycling facilities. Less waste would be better but we all have to start somewhere.

It’s hard to say which self-management rule applies here, although it could be rule no. 13: something to do with responsibility.

 

Day 10 – potting

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Writing into Life

Pots in progress

After a morning walk with Lydia, I spent an afternoon at the studio, doing some further work on pots I started a while ago.

It’s a slow process for me, but a good one.

It was good too to be in the company of people that I haven’t been in the company of for a while. 

The studio shutters were up and the rain belted down at times. It felt a bit like being in a tent when it’s raining, a sensation I’ve always loved, providing the tent itself isn’t leaking. 

Before the studio session, I picked up some pots from Imogen who had fired them for me.  I’m particularly pleased with two bowls that were a bit experimental in terms of finish.  Experiments do sometimes pay off.

Coming home, I give Lydia her tea – hand-fed as always.  She loves it, especially finishing with a raw chicken wing, followed by a dental stick. Her teeth are in really good condition I’m pleased to say.

Trev brings home fish and chips. I have mine with curry sauce.

It’s a mellow evening as we move from summer to autumn.  Who knows what tomorrow may bring?

Day 9 – trusting

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Writing into Life

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A few months ago I had high levels of anxiety which manifested in various ways.

I became highly stressed about my car, as I was having problems with the gears and I started to catastrophise about ‘worst case scenarios’, knowing the extent to which I need my car for daily walks with Lydia.

I pushed through on positives as best I could at the time, the worst-case scenario didn’t present itself and my car has been fine for a few months.

Recently, I’ve started having problems with the gears again.

In the intervening months I’ve taken a lot of time to rest and continue to practice meditation, yoga and Qigong.

I write my blog, in 28-day cycles. The process of writing is proving to be very therapeutic. I’ve written intermittently and irregularly for years but not in the same way as I do now.

My daily walks with Lydia have also been therapeutic, giving us both a good start to the day with regular exercise, fresh air and that all important connection with the natural world.  In Lydia’s case a lot of her connection is through her nose; for me it is more a sense of the air around me and the ground under my feet; the slow steady movement of walking.

This time I haven’t experienced high levels of anxiety about my car problems.  It’s been a minor inconvenience which Trev has helped me with by picking me up from the garage when I dropped it off this morning. It should be ready later this morning and may need a new clutch in the longer term. 

Anxiety, I’m sure, arises from past experiences when we’ve needed to address a problem, and haven’t been able – for whatever reason – to find and implement a solution; where everything fell apart and we had no help in finding ways to put things back together. We’ve learnt to ‘not cope’ and to retreat instead of establishing ways of knowing what to do and how.

When I was younger, I had none of the personal resources and resilience that I have now. I wasn’t taught any coping strategies as any assertion on my part would have upset the status quo, however uneasy that status quo was (and it most certainly was uneasy, at best).

However, through experience and reflection I’ve done my best to learn and change, to take responsibility for the things that make up day-to-day life and to see and do things differently.

I still rely on a small dose of anti-depressant medication every day, but the main processes I use are the ones that are active not passive.  Moving from passive to active has been the major achievement of my life.  The mental effort it has taken has been enormous and sustained, which is why, at the moment, I need to rest a lot as well.  Re-focusing and re-prioritising takes time and I need to continue to trust in the process, however frightening the prospect of uncertainty may seem. I’ve come a long way, just in the last few months. I’m not going back now.

Day 8 – caring

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Writing into Life

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I wake early, around 6am, relieved to know that there is no pressure for me to get up and out of bed for a few hours yet.

I set myself a target of 9.30 but rise before then, go downstairs and make a cup of tea.  The important thing comes first though – giving Lydia a tummy and chest rub.  Then I open the back door and do a few repeats of ‘Healing Form’ as Lydia welcomes the day in her own way.  Sue, the Qigong teacher, reminded us of some of the details of the Healing Form movement in the class last night so I was able to reintroduce these to my practice.

It’s a quiet walk for Lydia and me this morning, with no passing cars, joggers, cyclists or dogs; just a tractor going to and fro’ across a field in the distance. 

Back home and she has her breakfast from her breakfast ball as usual; she is an expert now at nudging it around with her nose so that the dried food pellets fall out; it’s a lot better for her than passively eating from a bowl.

I have a restful morning, doing nothing much more than loading and setting off the dishwasher, and putting away some clean laundry.  I’m sure if I looked around the house I could – and would – find dust and cobwebs in various corners, but on the whole I’m up to date with what needs doing inside.

As it’s Tuesday I visit my friend who used to live in the village but now lives in a care home, a few miles away.  Her personal carer, J is there too, and we have a lovely chat together outside in the sunshine while J does M’s nails, commenting on the wonderful weather we’ve had this summer and how we wish we could have weather like this every summer.

After J leaves, I read M a short story from a magazine I’ve brought with me. She lies on the bed and snoozes as I read.  At 85, it’s good to see her relaxed and looking so much brighter than she did a few weeks ago.  It’s amazing what a change of environment can do.

Arriving home, I have a supply of dental sticks that I ordered for Lydia, and proof copies of my latest books in paperback form waiting for me.  I give Lydia a dental stick for a treat straight away and flick through the proofs.  I’ll need to look at them in more detail before I approve them for publication, but am pleased on first sight.

Self-management rule no. 20 is a good one: enjoy the process. I have found in my life that it is enormously difficult to do this, but am working on it, and – I believe – getting better at it by the day, bit by bit, step by step.

Day 7 – purpose

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Writing into Life

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Lydia and I did a double circuit of our woodland walk this morning.  It was good walking weather, neither too warm nor cold, and she was doing really well with her “heel” work, tugging on the lead only a little but also at times pulling herself into the “heel” position, which I was quick to reinforce with the reward of a treat (or three). She’s not just a “good girl”, she’s the best girl (but then I’m biased).

I’m rewarding myself with the treats of a yoga class followed by a Qigong class this afternoon.

I keep to the routine of my ‘Mental Health Mondays’ most weeks, providing the classes are on. It makes for a great start to the week, working at deep levels which, combined with meditation, help me to push through on positives.

That doesn’t mean that I’m always ‘doing stuff’.  It just means that I’m working on training my mind to not revert to the negative thought patterns that I grew up with, so that I can move forward in different ways, taking care of my body at the same time as I need it to carry me through.

I’ve taken a further positive step by applying to do some volunteering at the Buddhist Centre.

My offer is one afternoon a month for now, as I don’t want to over-commit on top of existing commitments, particularly since I’m still working through a phase of burnout.  But being at the Centre yesterday helped to remind me how replenishing an atmosphere it is, and I have a lot of skills learned in my working life that could be put to good use.

It isn’t always easy, during retirement, to re-establish ourselves after the rigours of working life have taken their toll. I don’t want or need too many things going on but I do need to feel that there is some meaning and purpose in what I do and why I do it.

Day 6 – commitment

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Writing into Life

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It was an early start for Lydia and me this morning.

I’d set the alarm for 6.15 but was awake and got up before then.

After a quick cup of tea I took Lydia out for a walk.

She is very amenable and adaptable to changes in routine. We normally have a slow start to the day and I take her out mid- to late morning.  However, she took it in her stride – literally – as we walked together for about an hour before heading back for breakfast.

Leaving Lydia at home with Trev, I set off to go to a half-day course at the Buddhist Centre, about a 50-minute drive away.

It’s an easy drive and I arrived in good time for the start of the session: Finding the Hero Within.

I was relieved to find that it didn’t mean I had to be able to quickly don a cape and a vest with a big ‘S’ on it and whizz about in the sky. 

The ‘hero’ or ‘heroine’ was defined as anyone who made the decision to train their mind to identify, reduce and eventually eliminate delusional thoughts. Delusional thoughts are those such as ignorance, desirous attachment and anger. These delusional thoughts lead us to believe that our happiness is dependant on external factors or other people rather than ourselves.

For me, an important aspect of the teaching this morning was the emphasis on meditation as the primary means for training the mind, and the acknowledgement that it was all about building things up, bit by bit. Making the commitment, and taking small steps towards achieving it, are the key, with the ultimate aim of building our capacity to be of benefit to others.

This brings me to self-management rule no. 26: Your brief case is an important tool. Use it well. Use it wisely. I’ve struggled with using my brief case – my life – well and wisely, largely because of the mental health complications that I developed as a child and young adult. 

I’ve had to do a lot of unravelling, and that in itself has been debilitating and exhausting. Having said that, perhaps what I’ve done is the best that I could do in the circumstances that I was presented with, and now I can start to do things differently, in the circumstances I’m now in?

There is really only one answer to my question, so I’ll continue to meditate, read the dharma (teaching) books, go to classes and retreats and find whatever way that I can to be the best person I can be, for the benefit of others.

I have to confess I find it daunting – terrifying – but bit by bit, step by step, is the way.