Category: recovery

Day 15

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Writing into Life, more

When I first started going to Sue’s Qigong classes, over 15 years ago now, and for a long time since, I struggled with concentrating at times.  I could feel a sense of distracting emotional pain – deep seated – that I wanted to avoid feeling. I don’t feel that now.

I am much more present for most of the time during the class now, with only occasional distracting thoughts.  That’s not bad, I think, considering the ‘stuff’ that’s going on in my life.

I’ve worked through – felt the pain of – a lot my grief and though I can still feel ‘crap’ going through my system, it does feel like it’s on its way out, slowly softening and dissipating.  I know I need to continue to focus on the priorities I’ve been focusing on for some time to promote health and wellbeing; that I’m going in the right direction, even though I don’t know where it’s leading.  Providing I can continue to deepen my sense of calm – a sense that is growing although interspersed with periods of not being calm – then I feel confident that we will be OK. I’m working at it – hard, very hard – every day and some days are better than others.

Today I got out of bed earlier than I have been doing recently. It was around 8am rather than the 9.30 ‘target time’ I’ve been setting myself. After a shower, and taking a more mindful approach to getting dressed than I usually do, I went downstairs, had a couple of cups of tea, meditated for a while, then Lydia and I headed out for our walk.

We did the woodland walk again. As I pulled up in the car, I saw the man who owns the small-holding next-door walking across the field towards us, with a black dog on a lead.  I haven’t seen him with a black dog before; he used to have German Shepherds.  After a brief chat, he introduced me to ‘Bomag’, a rescue, he said, his German Shepherds having now, sadly, passed away.

Lydia and I did just one circuit of the wood today, before heading back for her breakfast and – for me – a welcome cup of coffee.  I didn’t have breakfast until a bit later – lemon curd on toast did it for me.

Between yoga and Qigong this afternoon I went to the local tip to drop off the result of my recent cupboard clearing exercise.  There’s still a lot of rubbish clearing to be done, especially from the garage, and Trev took a load to the tip today as well.

Qigong today included the movement ‘Eagle soaring in the sky’ which we built up to under Sue’s instructions and demonstrations. I really did feel a bit like a soaring Eagle for a few moments.  Those were good moments though.

Home now, Lydia has had her tea, ours is in the oven, and I’m going to finish this post, then sit and savour the evening, cool as it is, with the back door open and my dog nearby. These are good moments too.

Day 14

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Lydia and I did a double circuit of the woodland walk today. She was a bit reluctant to go round again, but soon started to enjoy more sniffs and it gave us both a good dose of fresh autumn air and gentle cardiovascular exercise.

Did some cupboard clearing and cleaning later, with a few things loaded into my car, ready for a tip run tomorrow.

I’ve had regular resting sessions between my exertions, meditating from a horizontal position which may not follow the guidance to the letter, but it’s worked for me today. Feeling much calmer – more of the time – than a few days ago.  It’s also helped enormously having support from friends. So lucky to have them in my life, including Lydia, of course. A very faithful friend.

Day 13

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The theme for the poetry group meeting today was ‘food’. We feasted on each other’s interpretations, and as always it was a very friendly and welcoming experience.

Coming home, I did a few practical things around the house, including making a meatloaf for dinner.

Lydia and I have had a quiet day together. She did do quite a bit of barking outside but has just had her tea and is now licking her paws and front legs. She is so good at self care. The vet commented on how clean her ears were at her last health check and I was proud to say that she did it all by herself. Such a clever girl. That’s my Lydia.

Day 12

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After a morning outing with Lydia, to her favourite dog field, I got ready to go to meet up with a friend for coffee.

She had brought her dog, Faith, who got lots of attention and admiration from people in the coffee shop. I do feel sad that Lydia can’t enjoy similar experiences. Maybe one day . . .

My friend and I had a good catch-up. Her company and conversation were very welcome.

Now back at home, here with Lyd. Good just to be with her. It’s a bit too early for her tea so for now we can just do nothing together.

Day 11

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Had a lovely afternoon at the pottery studio today. 

Thanks to Karen, Charlotte, Jenny, Lee and Sarah for their company and friendly conversation. Such a lovely atmosphere.  I finished off some pots that I’ve been working on for a few months, spraying on a glaze layer before the final – stoneware – firing. I have some different decorating techniques that I’ve been experimenting with, so looking forward to seeing how they turn out.

Also started on some new work – hand built – trying out different textures and making some use of plaster moulds. I finished one piece  and left it on the shelf for a bisque firing.  Two others are in progress, wrapped up in plastic and placed in a damp cupboard so that they’ll be still in workable form in a couple of weeks.

Home to my lovely Lydia, she’s had her tea and is now sitting outside – occasionally barking. 

Trev’s bringing fish and chips back for our tea, so no need for me to do anything much more than finish this post and enjoy a cold beer – sipped from a champagne glass, of course!

http://www.thepotterman.co.uk/

Day 10

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‘Change’ continues to be theme of the Buddhist class teachings at the moment – tonight will be week 3 of a 5-week course.

There’s a lot of internal and external change going on for me at the moment.

Historically, I’ve worked through a lot of change, in different ways, but more is on it’s way, rising from deep within and arising from outside sources.

This is leading me to feel a resurgence of anxiety that I had a massive bout of a while back, earlier in the year.  Then, I was waking with fear in my gut, leading to nausea and retching.  The retching isn’t so bad just now, I think largely because of a lot of the work I’ve been doing to keep myself calm, through meditation, yoga, Qigong, walking, working with clay. Even so, I’m having to work really hard today to achieve a sense of calm, and I can’t concentrate for very long at all.  So, I’ve chosen to rest into it, not push myself, and to focus on bringing my awareness to the absence of any immediate threats.  The fear that I’m feeling is in my mind, to do with past experiences and the unknowns of the future. But I’m OK today. That’s what I tell myself and keep telling myself. I’m OK today.

Lydia showed signs of fear this morning when we saw a dog in the distance. The other dog – Elkie – is one we’ve seen before and her owner is sensitive to our needs. He makes sure his dog doesn’t get too close to Lydia while I make sure that I keep the distance from our side too.  I do what I can to help and talk her through the experience in what I hope is a reassuring way.  She still growls, snarls, barks and tries to lunge, but I hold her on a short lead while stroking her head and ears. We turn to walk in the opposite direction, she has a good shake, and I start using the “heel” command combined with “Yes” and treats to mark and reward. It isn’t long before she’s settled down fairly soon to a steady pace and we resume our walk. I tell her how well she’s done and even though I don’t think she understands this, I hope she picks up the praise from my tone of voice at least. She gets more “good girl” treats as we’re going along. I also repeatedly tell her that we’re OK, that she’s OK, that we’re all OK.

We’ve both still got a long way to go to work through our fears, and all we can do is keep trying, following the guidance we’ve been given, learning, reflecting reviewing, and repeating as and when needed, for as long as it takes.

Day 9

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Photo by Amar Preciado on Pexels.com

I visited my friend today, who now lives in a care home nearby.

She said it was good to see me and it was good to see her too.  She tends to put herself down a lot so I challenge her when she does this. She is such a lovely lady, good company, funny and kind.

Lydia and I only had a short walk today, so I’ll make it up to her tomorrow. She doesn’t seem to mind, and is enjoying some evening air outside, barking occasionally.  She’s had her tea and I’m enjoying an early evening glass of wine.

As my friend and I reflected together today, it’s the simple things in life that mean the most: a cup of coffee in the company of a friend; a glass of wine when you fancy one; a loaf of bread and some good cheese.  Can’t beat it.

Day 8

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Yesterday I ate cake and nothing but cake. But I didn’t eat the whole cake.  I had some more for brunch today and there’s still plenty left. It’s just as well, then, that I like cake.

It’s quickly come back round to ‘Mental Health Monday’, with yoga and Qigong each concentrating on areas that I’m glad to have some help with, including joints, back and legs. All good for mind, body and spirit.

Lydia is learning not to bark at the sheep in a field close to where we start our woodland walk.  The field that the path to the wood cuts through is planted with a combination of brassicas and legumes that are still in the early stages of growing.  I haven’t seen this combination of planting before, and wonder if it will be a crop that matures before winter, or in the spring.  We shall see.

Although it is a signed public footpath through the field, I’m careful where I tread, to minimise impact on the crop. At the moment it doesn’t look like it’s getting much traffic other than from Lydia and me, but over the last few years it has been well trod throughout the year. 

Lydia spots a squirrel in a tree, but doesn’t seem too inclined to try and chase it.  She does sniff and pull a lot through the wood. On the way back, though, she’s more settled.  With a bit of encouragement from me, we walk past the sheep and get back to the car.  It’s a grey dampish day but thanks to Lydia I’ve had a chance to get some fresh air and exercise, and smell the smells of the earth and the autumn leaves.

Day 7

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Writing into Life, more

I wake this morning feeling lighter of heart than I have for a long time.

To celebrate, on the way home from my walk with Lydia, I stop off at the shop and buy the ingredients to make cake.

When I bake, I bake big, and I make lots of lemon and vanilla cake, including one for our new next-door neighbour.  So far, I haven’t properly introduced myself, although I did give him a friendly wave when I saw him in his car while I was out doing some work in the front yard last week.

Trev’s out so Lydia and I have some quiet time together while the cake is cooling down enough to sandwich layers together with lemon curd and vanilla icing.  I can tell it’s going to be exceedingly good cake.