Day 19 – Going on

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Writing into Life

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After yesterday’s full-on day at the races, I was up at 7.45 this morning to take Lydia for a walk and then go on to a poetry group meeting.

This may not seem anything to write about, except that for me it is.  Just a few months ago I wouldn’t have been able to cope with the day at the races, with all it entailed, and it was a struggle to make myself go to a poetry group meeting once a month.

I know full well that I wasn’t the ‘life and soul of the party’ yesterday, but I held up pretty well, and today I was able to take an active part in the meeting, albeit in a low-key way.

There were ten of us there and, those of us who chose to, read out poems that we had written.

One of the poems presented by the organiser, another Maggie, was about poetry with the heading of ‘Trifle’.  It was a very clever and interesting poem, drawing on her own experiences.

I read out three of my poems:

Ambitions

Gleeful
Wild
Outrageous
Contagious

Cheerful
Fearful
Respectful
Disrespectful
Full

Mad
Sad
Glad

Cook
Read a Book
Make Tea

Dance
Romance
Work
Shirk

Naughty
Nosy
Silly
Me.

I first wrote that poem in 2000 and revised it in 2020.  The ambitions still apply, and I’m still working on achieving them.

Now

Now
at the Pinnacle
14-and-a-half per cent
proof point of my existence
I’ve reached the Nottage Hill
sub-station of my life
I haven’t got a Sauvignon Blanc’s clue
about what to do next
other than to ‘méthode-champenoise’
my way through and hope
that if the cork crumbles
the bottle won’t be blue
and the sieve will be fine
so that
just for now
I can at least
drink the wine

I can’t remember when I wrote that poem but it still applies, now.

The Beat Goes On

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The beat goes on
The beat goes on

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The lights are dim
The lights are dim

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The night is young
The night is young

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
My body moves
My body moves

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
My arm aches
My arm aches

Pump, puff
Pump, puff
The air bed’s inflated
I’ve had enough.

That’s another one that was written over a quarter of a century ago, based on an experience of being marooned on a remote Scottish island, waiting for the weather to settle so that the ferry could come and pick us up. It was a wild night, and we had a bit of fun while we were waiting.

The theme for the meeting this morning was ‘something funny’ so I think I contributed some pieces that were at least mildly amusing.

We’re a mixed group and one person read out her first ever poem at the meeting today. 

It’s good to be part of this group.  And the beat goes on. 

Day 17 – Yesterday

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Writing into Life

Today I woke feel rested at a very deep level; I could feel another shift, slowly but surely in a positive direction.  It doesn’t matter how slow; a small shift is a shift nonetheless.

Yesterday, after a short meditation combined with a cup of tea, I had a lovely walk with Lydia, a long lunch with a friend, did a bit – just a bit – of domestic activity in the afternoon, went to the Buddhist class in the evening and then, back at home, watched a couple of episodes of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’.  I also enjoyed, while watching the telly, a glass of red wine and some of the delicious houmous that Trev had made earlier.  A bag of cheese puffs rounded off the day nicely.

The themes of MAFSAU and the Buddhist class were the same: happiness.  It’s what we all seek, and we look for it in different ways in different places.

The Buddhist teachings tell me that happiness naturally arises from a calm and peaceful mind.  I now take this on faith and continue to do my best to put the teachings – including the meditation techniques – into practice.  This doesn’t mean that I have to deny myself all worldly pleasures, just recognise that they have their limits and are not a lasting source of happiness. This is what I now believe.

Though a slow process, my ongoing programme of wellbeing activities does seem to be working.

Although I could readily have gone back to bed this morning, after a walk with Lydia through the woods, I felt energised enough to start writing this blog, to check in with Trev, to confirm that I’d make a cottage pie later for tea, and to take my time to let the rest of the day unfold.  I’m booked in to a yoga class later. Tomorrow I’m going to the races but I don’t need to rush to do anything much more today.

I used to feel that I was falling short by not being able to build up and maintain a momentum.  I now recognise that if slow is the momentum that works for me, then slow is the momentum I’ll work with.

Day 16 – Praying

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Writing into Life

After each meditation at the Buddhist class that I go to in Pontefract, or the Centre that I go to in Pocklington, we are invited to listen to or participate in the chanting of ‘The Liberating Prayer’[1].

I choose to chant and I love the words of this prayer.  I also often say it to myself at other times, when I wake, for example, or when I feel a sense of anxiety surging. Saying the prayer, combined with practicing some breathing meditation, takes me into a better place mentally.

 

 

 

[1] Composed by Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso Rinpoche and recited at Kadampa Buddhist Centres throughout the world.

Day 15 – Change

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Writing into Life

 

After yesterday’s sensation of clarity and light emerging, today brings an inner pull into heavy and dark.

Recognising this as part of a process is important.  The dark thoughts are the deluded thoughts; the process of moving from dark to light takes time and effort; practice, patience and persistence.

Following an early visit with Lydia to Vicky the groomer and then a walk, after breakfast – kindly cooked for me by Trev in the form of porridge and a cup of fresh coffee – I went back to bed for a few hours. Lydia was also happy to rest.

It’s unusual for me, these days, to do this.  I do generally need to go to bed early and get up late when I can, but this morning it’s fair to say that I felt a pull into dark at a deep level and decided to rest.  I have enough positive activity built into my week generally to be able to give in to that inward pull occasionally, and today I needed to just be with it.

Yesterday I missed both yoga and Qigong as I had to get my car fixed.  I think this may have played no small part in how I feel today.  However, after a couple of hours resting, I get up, brush my hair, put on some make up, give Lydia some fuss, open the back door so that she can enjoy the fresh air, and start writing. 

Writing is helping me to process, just like other things are.  I’m visiting M in her care home this afternoon and we should be able to go outside into the garden as we usually do on a fine day. I enjoy reading to her; short stories from a magazine.  She usually dozes off when I do, which I take as no reflection on my reading style, just a sign that she is relaxed and comfortable in my company. I hope so. 

Before heading out I remember to meditate. I don’t have to sit cross-legged – thank goodness, because I couldn’t – but adopt a comfortable seated upright posture and focus on my breath. Fresh air coming through the back door helps.

 

 

 

Day 14 – clarity

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Writing into Life

The gears in my car are still not fixed so I’m taking it back to the garage again this afternoon.

I know it will get sorted, one way or another, sooner or later. I do hope it’s sooner though.

Some clarity of thought is coming through and I woke this morning with a lighter heart than I’ve had for a long time.

Even so, I revelled in being able to lie in bed until after 9am, before getting up, making tea for Trev and me, and then doing a short meditation before taking Lydia out for her walk.

Even just a five-minute meditation on a morning is making a real difference, combined with the group sessions that I take part in on a Wednesday evening and the additional occasional teachings at the centre. It’s a slow shift but a shift nonetheless. Yoga and Qigong also have strong meditative aspects to them, working at different levels.

It’s another warm September morning – we are still so blessed with the weather. I know we are blessed whatever the weather but I have enjoyed the weather this summer, moving into autumn.

On the way back I stop off to post a birthday card for a friend – the friend I mentioned in my post on volunteering a couple of days ago. https://gladabout.life/2025/09/06/day-12-volunteering/ She knows who she is!

While waiting in the queue at the post office I do a few exercises for my knees. They are so much better now than a few months ago and I’m not taking that for granted.

I then went on to buy a large unsliced loaf from the local bakery.  Two big chunky slices with olive spread and blackcurrant jam make a delicious breakfast for me while Lydia enjoys her food from her feeding ball.

I think back to when I restricted my food intake to such an extent that I used to do an eight-hour evening shift as a waitress, full on, on my feet and rushing round all that time, before I would allow myself a slice of bread for breakfast the following morning.

Even though breakfast for me now is usually late – today around 11.30am – and I rarely have lunch, it’s not because I’m limiting myself by willpower, it’s just because I don’t want to do things any differently. I don’t want or need three meals a day plus snacks.

I’m not thin, but I’m not heavily overweight either. I have Lydia to thank for that, at least in part.  Our regular walks every day give my system a much-needed boost.

Day 13 – fear

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Writing into Life

Lydia started whining when she saw a dog from a distance this morning.  I think she may be starting to process the pain associated with her fear.  I don’t know for sure, but can only continue to provide support, guidance and reassurance in the best way that I can, using the guidance that I in turn have been provided by dog behaviourists and trainers. 

Later we both enjoyed some quiet time outside at the back, with the warmth of the air very soothing this September.

I did some breathing meditation, using the ‘Om Ah Hum’ mantra: Om, as I breathe in, Ah as I hold my breath, Hum as I breathe out.

That is also very soothing.  I know that it is much more than soothing, but I don’t have the words to express that right now, so I’ll settle for soothing for the time being.

After a bit of garden tidying, I don’t feel like doing much else today.  I’ve made the preparations for tonight’s evening meal so I can just relax and do nothing, although I’ve started watching the latest series of ‘Married at First Sight: Australia’ on demand.

During Covid I binge-watched all the back series and carried on watching until I reached a point where I didn’t want to watch any more. I do struggle, though, to find anything else that draws my interest these days and the other day I thought I’d give MAFSAU another go. 

It’s pulling me back in, not least because, cutting through all the glamour and gloss, it brings into focus the struggles that many of us have in terms of establishing and maintaining close personal relationships. My heart goes out particularly to those participants who think that it is a shortfall on their part when their newly wed husband or wife starts to reject them.  I personally don’t think it’s anything of the kind.  It all, I believe, comes back to fear.

 

 

Day 12 – volunteering

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Writing into Life

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Lydia had some anxious moments when she saw another dog while we were out on our walk this morning.  I helped her through her anxiety with some guidance and reassurance, and hope that, over time, and with continued reinforcement, she will start to realise that she no longer has anything to fear, providing I’m with her. It’s no easy thing, working through deep-rooted fear. I know that from my own experience.

Latterly, and increasingly, I’m finding guidance and reassurance from the Buddhist community that I’m lucky enough to live near.  When I say ‘near’, it’s about a 45-minute drive away, but it’s near enough and it still amazes me that it’s there at all.

Finding a source of meaningful guidance and support through fear and anxiety is a big thing. It took me a long time to search out and find this guidance and support but I’m sticking with it now, and hoping that I’ll be able to give back through some volunteering work with the Centre.

I’ve done a lot of volunteering in my life, which has been part of my searching journey.

While at 69 I don’t have the same amount of available energy as I had when I was younger, I feel that I have a clarity and a focus that I didn’t have when I was younger either, so hopefully there’s a bit of a balance going on.

I have a friend who volunteers practically every weekend, after a full-on working week. That’s quite something, especially as it involves a lot of driving and early-morning starts.  Most people want to have long lie-ins at the weekend, but not my friend.  She’s a true star in every sense. Some people just keep shining. You know who you are Jo!

Day 11 – welcome

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 Writing into Life

As I wake this morning I reflect on a reminder from the Buddhist teachings over the last few months:

Welcome Wholeheartedly Whatever

It isn’t always easy to welcome the difficult stuff especially when it feels like there’s no end of difficult stuff to deal with.

But I find that the more I apply this principle, the more I begin to understand what it means. I’ve still got a long way to go in deepening my understanding of what it means, but I’ll keep working on it.

Today, though tired after yesterday’s intensive session at the studio, including the 50-minute drives to get there and back, I feel a sense of something having shifted in my inner landscape; not a momentous shift – marginal, but a shift nonetheless.

Sticking with a steady routine of walking Lydia daily, going to regular yoga and Qigong classes, building a short meditation practice into my morning routine, benefiting from the expert guidance and teachings from the Buddhist Centre and the weekly classes, and returning to the pottery studio for an afternoon of contemplative creativity in conducive company, are all helping to restore something in me that has needed to be restored for a very long time.

As I write, Lydia is relaxing in a corner of the room on her favourite rug.  She’s had her walk and breakfast, spent a bit of time outside doing a bit of barking, and now – like me – she is ready to rest a bit.

I’ll go out later and do a bit of shopping, taking some soft plastic waste with me to go in the recycling bins that Aldi have in store.  Their distribution methods do create a lot of plastic waste but at least they provide recycling facilities. Less waste would be better but we all have to start somewhere.

It’s hard to say which self-management rule applies here, although it could be rule no. 13: something to do with responsibility.

 

Day 10 – potting

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Writing into Life

Pots in progress

After a morning walk with Lydia, I spent an afternoon at the studio, doing some further work on pots I started a while ago.

It’s a slow process for me, but a good one.

It was good too to be in the company of people that I haven’t been in the company of for a while. 

The studio shutters were up and the rain belted down at times. It felt a bit like being in a tent when it’s raining, a sensation I’ve always loved, providing the tent itself isn’t leaking. 

Before the studio session, I picked up some pots from Imogen who had fired them for me.  I’m particularly pleased with two bowls that were a bit experimental in terms of finish.  Experiments do sometimes pay off.

Coming home, I give Lydia her tea – hand-fed as always.  She loves it, especially finishing with a raw chicken wing, followed by a dental stick. Her teeth are in really good condition I’m pleased to say.

Trev brings home fish and chips. I have mine with curry sauce.

It’s a mellow evening as we move from summer to autumn.  Who knows what tomorrow may bring?