Tag: priorities

Day 1

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

Writing into Life, more

Photo by Ann H on Pexels.com

Starting this latest 28-day cycle of writing into life on a Mental Health Monday, I have so far meditated and had a walk with Lydia.

I collected her from the boarding kennels this morning where she has been staying for a couple of nights. I had a night out in town with two friends on Saturday and a duvet day on Sunday.

Cocktails and a Thai curry in good company made a welcome change and Lydia had a change of environment as well. We all need it sometimes.

I’m booked into yoga this afternoon, followed by a Qigong class.

I’m struggling with low mood and low energy levels. For now, I don’t think there is anything I can do other than what I am doing.  There are no ‘quick fixes’ so I approach the situation as positively as possible, keeping a focus on health and wellbeing and remembering to be glad that I am so fortunate to have my health and a reasonable level of fitness; not something to be taken for granted.

The day is mild, with blue sky and sunshine, albeit damp from the weekend’s rain. 

Lydia has had her second breakfast – they’d fed her before I picked her up from the kennels this morning but she still demanded – and got – her breakfast ball with her usual supply. We all need a bit of a ‘bonus ball’ sometimes. She’s now outside enjoying being back in her domain.

Over the last couple of weeks, while I’ve had a writing ‘holiday’, I’ve been bringing my focus closer to my own domain: my home; our home. Home isn’t something to be taken for granted either. I’ve always been fortunate to have one, one way or another.

Over the next few months – through the winter – I’m going to concentrate on giving care and attention to the edges and corners in our home – the bits that often get missed with a general sweep and ‘hoover’ round. I’ve never been the best at spring cleaning so I’m going to do it over the winter instead.  Then, when spring comes, I’ll be free to do other things instead.  That’s my plan; that’s what I’ll do. It may not be the most exciting plan on the planet, but it’s mine.

Paperback versions of my two latest books are now available on Amazon:

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random: writing into life

https://amzn.eu/d/eYRAkLi

A Woman, a Dog & a Blog: glad about life

https://amzn.eu/d/iLQfyIi

Day 14

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Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

After a long day at the Show, I’m enjoying a large g&t and reflecting on the list from yesterday’s post. My focus is on ‘Let ourselves be held’.

I’m not sure if this means emotionally, psychologically, spiritually or physically. Probably any or all four or a combination.

I’m not good at letting myself be held, and neither is Lydia.

She now lets me give her massages (the “rub-a-dub-dub” massages I’ve referred to in previous posts) but she still doesn’t let me fully ‘hold’ her when we’re out walking, in terms of believing that I will keep her safe.  She’s been too badly traumatised in the past.

I’ve had to be so self-reliant for much of my life that  I will always fall back on myself too. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, but historically I’ve tended to look out for others, while at the same time my own needs weren’t being met. That’s not because I’m a selfless saint, but it is because I really don’t want anyone to have to go through what I’ve been through in my life if there is anything I can do to help them not to.  I just don’t like that level of waste.

Looking again at the list, I’m drawn to ‘nourish our senses’.

My senses feel jaded, as if nothing is fresh and invigorating any more. This is where Lydia comes in to help, as I do find our walks together on a morning have a stimulating effect on my senses, even if it’s still at a low level of intensity.

I’m certainly much more open to ‘imperfection’ than I used to be. I can still be a bit obsessive about details, but more able to let things go.

I can only ‘do one thing at a time’ these days, and very slowly, so I’m doing OK there.                                         

I’m not always great at being able to ‘ask for help’ although at least I know now that help can be sought out. In the first half of my life, I had no idea that such a thing might be available, never mind what form it could take.

‘Expressing emotions’ is complicated, I find. I’ll keep  trying to work that one out.

I do ‘create daily rituals and routines’ although I tend to need to be flexible on timings and interpret this very broadly.

It may be a while yet before Lydia and I are both as relaxed as we need to be, but we’re working – and resting – on it.

The fact that my partner has just made a delicious meal while I’ve been resting helps enormously.

Day 5

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Lydia emerging from the tunnel at the dog field this morning.

How do we find solutions to problems if we don’t know the root cause?

The answer, of course, is “with great difficulty”.

In fact, if we don’t identify the root cause of a problem, we are only ever going to be treating the surrounding tissue, which may alleviate symptoms for a while, but does nothing for the longer term.

As I’ve continued my journey of recovery from mental health and emotional difficulties that got buried deep inside when I was a child, I’ve come to realise that I’ve still got a long way to go.

I’ll turn 70 at my next birthday. I am, in all aspects, in a better place than I’ve ever been in my life, but the process of healing continues, probably because it’s only just begun.

There are times now when I can physically feel the emotional and psychological pain – pain that was compacted down into the mould that was made for me when I was young – finally pushing out from the core of my bones and the pores of my body.

It’s only because I’ve finally been able to acknowledge the source and reach a point of acceptance, that I can sit with this pain, experience it, let it go.

It’s taken a lot of work, a lot of searching, a lot of learning, a lot of losing, a lot of loving, to arrive at this point.

And I do feel sadness, regret, an ache for what I haven’t had, that a lot of people take for granted or even don’t appreciate at all: family. My own family.

But I also know that I have been so, so lucky to have met the people that I’ve met, learned what I’ve learned, found what I’ve found.

As I write there is gentle music playing, the back door is open and Lydia is lying in one of her favourite places, just outside.

It’s a spot that is fairly cool in this summer weather and from which she has a good vantage point of her domain: our back yard.

She barks occasionally at potential invaders – mainly pigeons – but mostly just enjoys being there, as I am enjoying, being here.

I realise that somebody, or circumstances, could take that away from me. But for now, I’m just glad for what I have. It’s a lot.

Day 1

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me

Lydia has had a holiday and so have I.

I picked her up from the boarding kennels this morning, where she’s been staying for the last nine nights.

The staff at the kennels love her, and she gets very excited about going to see them.  I’m pleased to say that she’s also excited to see me when I go to pick her up. She is a big bundle of furry fluffiness hurtling towards me and goes straight into the car, ready to go home.

It’s good to be home. 

I needed to get away for a while, but it’s so good to be home.

To pace myself, after a late return journey last night, I choose not to go to yoga this afternoon. Instead, I take it easy with my dog, get my car tyres checked – I need new ones – and do a bit of shopping.  Today is the first day of the rest of my retirement, and I’m enjoying it.

Later I go to Qigong.  We are doing some movements, under the theme of ‘deer’, which are lovely. I imagine I have antlers for a while. We take up poses for increasing our alertness and awareness, as if we are animals in the wild, picking up on sights and sounds, of potential dangers and opportunities for exploration.

Building up to the deer movements, we did work to increase the flexibility and strength of our shoulder blades and spine, as well as being beneficial to kidney and liver function.

I continue to reflect on how fortunate I am to have my health and be able to do exercises such as these to help maintain it.

This feels like Day 1 in more ways than one.

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random – Glad About Life: https://amzn.eu/d/6Ptwe4S

Woman, a Dog & a Blog – Writing into Life: https://amzn.eu/d/63qIYzR

Waking

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

 First published 29 June 2020

Anybody who has had depression knows that one of the most difficult things to deal with is that awful desolation that drowns you as you wake up from whatever sleep you can get.

It is an experience that you have to have had to know what it feels like, when the thought of even having to get up and get dressed, let alone do anything else, is beyond daunting.

There was a time when I could only wake up and get up by setting a first alarm clock to go off several hours beforehand, then another sometime after that, and another later still. When I finally did get out of bed, my first port of call was a strong cup of coffee (appropriately named ‘Rocket Fuel’) with which I swallowed my anti-depressant tablet. Eventually I could then get dressed and ready for work.

I’ve started to struggle again with this aspect depression, after years of having trained myself to get up without too much snooze time between alarms. The fact that my partner now brings me a good strong cup of tea helps enormously, as does not having any time pressures at the moment. Even so, the tasks associated with waking up, getting up and getting dressed should not be underestimated for anyone who is suffering from depression. Like a lot of things, breaking the process down into small steps can be a good strategy. First one sock, and then the other.

I’m working towards being one of those people who springs out of bed in order to ‘seize the day’. Just because I’m slow to start, though, doesn’t me I don’t appreciate and value. It just means that I have to take my time to get myself (literally) geared up, even at a basic level.

This is one place (of many) where the poem in my recently posted Poetry Rule No. 9b Keep recycling to a minimum until you’ve got your other priorities right applies.

Rules, Rhymes, Recovery, Recipe, Random – Glad About Life:

https://amzn.eu/d/6Ptwe4S

Woman, a Dog & a Blog – Writing into Life:

https://amzn.eu/d/63qIYzR

Day 19

'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

Continuing the story of Lydia and Me 

After dropping my pots off yesterday with Imogen, who runs the firing service that I use, I went to the pottery studio. There I had a quiet afternoon making more pots. I didn’t count how many I made. I discarded one and there was another that I could have discarded but I chose to keep it. It has a quirky shape, not quite what I was aiming for at the time – my throwing skills are still very much in development:) – but it may turn out to be a pot that somebody chooses to buy, and loves.

This morning, I lie in until about 9.30, although get up a few times to let Lydia out into the back yard and then go out to her when she starts barking. I give her a good “rub-a-dub-dub” massage to help calm her down and she settles again, for a while.

It’s another hot day so we only have a short walk but it’s a relaxed one. Lydia is walking by my side, to heel, most of the time. She does start to lunge and bark at a passing car but I do what the behaviourist taught me to do and then give her plenty of verbal reassurance, combined with some more “rub-a-dub-dub”. I think she’s started to associate the phrase with the massage now, so we’ll keep working on it.

I notice that my knee is a lot better; the right one that I tend to have problems with. I also notice that I’m spending more time rubbing in the ‘wear and tear’ lubricating gel that I bought, to help with it. The combination of gel, affirmation, physio exercises and joint care vitamin and mineral supplement is working. Slowing down the pace, focusing on priorities, is working too, for Lydia and for me. The stress that I had been feeling a few days ago is dissolving, for now at least. How wonderful this weather is; long may it last.

Train your dog; train your mind – positive reinforcement for humans and canines – now available in paperback https://amzn.eu/d/eQ2sWjU as well as for Kindle https://amzn.eu/d/99yW3Qk

    Doing Again

    'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'Leave a comment

    At the turn of the Millennium, I completed a project under the Mind-Millennium Award Scheme.

    My project – the Lifelines Project – involved collecting and publishing poems, pictures and self-help strategies from other people who, like me, had suffered from enduring and debilitating depression.

    I had not met many of the contributors, and was amazed – honoured – that they trusted me with their personal expressions, all because of the underlying intention of reaching out in the hope of helping others.

    If you, yourself, are suffering with depression, I would like to wish you well and tell you that you are not alone.”

    Since then, there’s been increased awareness about mental health and how it can be improved.  While there remains much to be done in society from the ‘prevent’ and ‘promote’ perspectives, being able to – and even encouraged – to talk about mental health difficulties more openly represents a start.

    In my own experience, I eventually got fed up of talking – I’ve never been much good at it anyway.  I knew that I needed to take action, to find ways of turning my life around, however difficult or painful that might be.  And I knew it would be difficult and painful, to rebuild from a below zero level when I was in my forties.

    From somewhere, somehow, I found the resolve to put my head down, prioritise, and push myself through.  For a long time I concentrated on work and on developing my internal resilience.  Just before I turned 60 I decided to take the plunge and commit to a relationship. I now have a much fuller and richer life than I have ever had before and I’m thankful for that.

    Even so, life continues to be difficult and I still take antidepressants – probably always will. But I have other coping skills and strategies, and have also been able to recently retire, taking away work pressures that I could no longer deal with.

    I wasn’t able to keep in touch with all the people who contributed to the Lifelines Project but they’ve always remained in my thoughts and I hope that they too have been able to find a way through; a way that works for each of them:

    Sylvia

    Marcia

    Maggie 2

    Peter

    Virginia

    Henzie

    Maggie 3

    Jonathan

    Fiona

    Sean

    Christopher

    Polly

    Christine

    Caz

    John

    Caroline

    Frances

    Susan

    Patricia

    Mary

    Dave

    Mark

    Tony

    Iain

    I thought it was fitting to include a poem by one of the Project contributors – Mark:

    Recovery

    The night has been terror:
    depression, cold, confusion.
                   – Ears scream.

    Grey – the morning in my front-room.

    A tear on my cheek and
    a child’s grizzle
    for a few seconds
                   – From my adult form.

    A small rebellion
                   – The beginning of action.

    A tiny sunbeam through the window
                   – Doing again.

    Poetry Rule No. 9b Keep recycling to a minimum until you’ve got your other priorities right

    'A Poetic Potter & A Potting Poet'1 Comment 
    Cover

    Don't judge a book by its cover
    don't even begin to think that you know
    what lies underneath
    when every belief
    that is written in time comes and goes

    Don't judge a book by its cover
    for the pages are those that can lie and deceive
    the wisdom of years
    may appear as true fears
    and the rest will come in as you weave

    Don't judge a book by its cover
    when the story has not yet begun
    Yet the time is right now
    and in some way, some how
    what needs to be said will be done

    Don't judge a book by its cover
    it's only a matter of time and again
    tattered and torn may be weary and worn
    but it's all the same in the end

    Don't judge a book by its cover
    don't even begin to think that you know
    for it's all in a muddle
    and inside the middle
    is a tale that is waiting to grow
    so it will

    2014