I took Lydia with me to the Buddhist Centre, having first been for a walk in the morning.
She was fine in her crate in the car while I worked for an hour – sweeping up leaves around the accommodation blocks – and then I took her out to stretch her legs and sniff around. She seemed to like it, and spontaneously sat when a man walked by – not a hint of a bark at all.
I worked for about another hour, took her out for another short walk and then we headed for home.
I felt so much better after my afternoon exertions than before and worked up an appetite for a lovely – and quite spicy – lamb curry this evening.
We’re both quite tired now – ready for a bit of relaxation followed by ‘sleepy time’.
My afternoon at the Buddhist Centre left me slightly damp – It was raining and I was working outside, doing my usual Friday afternoon job of sweeping up leaves around the accommodation blocks. I do, however, feel invigorated by the fresh air and exercise and most of all by a chance meeting with the Spiritual Director of the Centre, Gen-la Kelsang Kunsang. Her warmth, words of encouragement and kind hugs meant more than I can say.
I was also offered some biscuits with the cup of tea I sat down to when the job was done. The offer – and provision – of these by the Reception Manager at the Centre were much appreciated.
Home to a cup of cocoa and a hot shower, I can now rest. Though still struggling with some aspects of my mental health, I know how fortunate I am to have my physical health, and try not to take it for granted. I also know how lucky I am to be able to put meditation techniques into practise and benefit from the teachings of Buddha, as well as taking my daily dose of anti-depressant medication.
Lydia is having a bit of fresh air outside at the moment, having been in the house all afternoon.
Our walk this morning using the new bridle was easy. This may be a one-off but I’ll take it for now. She doesn’t seem in any way as averse to it as the previous one, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that we’ve finally got a workable solution.
Lydia has not yet fully accepted the Halti collar that I started using with her a few weeks ago, but we’re getting there.
As usual, we work it out between us, even if it takes a while.
There was no yoga or Qigong class today but after doing the woodland walk with Lydia this morning, I got ready to meet up with my friend Judi, who I have known for many years, since she was a friend of my Mum when I was a teenager.
Now 85, Judi’s resilience and zest for life is an inspiration, and we resolved to meet up more often going forward.
On the way back to the car park I called in at B&M Bargains where I had earlier seen a dog bed that looked perfect for Lydia. Pleased with my purchase I returned home and am now in reflective mood.
My confidence levels have been low over the last few weeks which I know is at least in part because I’m tired. Keeping up a combination of resting, meditating and constructive, focused activity will help. As will tickling Lydia’s tummy. Of course, ‘the tickling of the tummy’ is a constructive, focused activity in itself. In fact I don’t think you can get more constructive and focused than thatš.
My car was booked in for a service this morning so Trev followed me round in his car to the service centre, where I transferred Lydia from my car to his so that I could walk her on the way home.
The car was ready by early afternoon and it was a clear and mild day so I walked back to pick it up.
Later in the afternoon I had a bath ā the first bath Iāve had in a long time. Showers are so much easier in so many ways but I did enjoy a good soak, with the addition of some mineral salts and an essential oil ā ylang ylang.
The theme for the current Buddhist course ā last week, this week and next week ā is āloveā. This week the emphasis was on āaffectionate loveā; a love that is free from delusions such as attachment and anger.
It is such a lovely theme to explore in the context of Buddhaās teachings and feels especially so at this time of the year. I consider myself very fortunate to be able to receive such wonderful words of wisdom.
There was no Qigong today so Iāve just been to yoga this afternoon.
Lydia reacted when she saw two other dogs this morning, despite the distance between us. After that she struggled to settle down for the rest of the walk, and I struggled a bit with yoga.
I know Iām tired at the moment and, though starting to sleep better, have still not had a deep sleep that will, I think, make a difference.
Iām keeping up with caffeine-free afternoons and concentrating on doing constructive things when I can, so Iām hoping that I will eventually fall into that elusive deep sleep.
Lydia has already settled down for the evening. Sheās had her tea and is curled up in her armchair. Sheās presented her tummy to me for tickling twice since I got back so I think its fair to say that sheās relaxed at home even if she isnāt always when weāre outside.
Iāve finally found something to binge-watch on the telly and I did a bit of reading this morning. So Iām starting to relax a bit too.
Today I applied the second coat of paint to the walls of the landing and the stairs.
Itās good quality paint which flows well and only drips if I overload my brush, which I do ā sometimes.
I wipe up drip spots as Iām going along, and make steady progress. In a few hours, itās done.
I clean brushes, put clothes and cloths into the washing machine, then rest for a while. Lydia comes to join me.
Iāve got some more painting work lined up for tomorrow but for now I can just relax. Time to give Lydia her tea and make ours. I think it will be early to bed for me.
Today I woke feel rested at a very deep level; I could feel another shift, slowly but surely in a positive direction.Ā It doesnāt matter how slow; a small shift is a shift nonetheless.
Yesterday, after a short meditation combined with a cup of tea, I had a lovely walk with Lydia, a long lunch with a friend, did a bit ā just a bit ā of domestic activity in the afternoon, went to the Buddhist class in the evening and then, back at home, watched a couple of episodes of āMarried at First Sight: Australiaā. I also enjoyed, while watching the telly, a glass of red wine and some of the delicious houmous that Trev had made earlier. A bag of cheese puffs rounded off the day nicely.
The themes of MAFSAU and the Buddhist class were the same: happiness. Itās what we all seek, and we look for it in different ways in different places.
The Buddhist teachings tell me that happiness naturally arises from a calm and peaceful mind. I now take this on faith and continue to do my best to put the teachings ā including the meditation techniques ā into practice. This doesnāt mean that I have to deny myself all worldly pleasures, just recognise that they have their limits and are not a lasting source of happiness. This is what I now believe.
Though a slow process, my ongoing programme of wellbeing activities does seem to be working.
Although I could readily have gone back to bed this morning, after a walk with Lydia through the woods, I felt energised enough to start writing this blog, to check in with Trev, to confirm that Iād make a cottage pie later for tea, and to take my time to let the rest of the day unfold. Iām booked in to a yoga class later. Tomorrow Iām going to the races but I donāt need to rush to do anything much more today.
I used to feel that I was falling short by not being able to build up and maintain a momentum. I now recognise that if slow is the momentum that works for me, then slow is the momentum Iāll work with.
After yesterdayās sensation of clarity and light emerging, today brings an inner pull into heavy and dark.
Recognising this as part of a process is important. The dark thoughts are the deluded thoughts; the process of moving from dark to light takes time and effort; practice, patience and persistence.
Following an early visit with Lydia to Vicky the groomer and then a walk, after breakfast ā kindly cooked for me by Trev in the form of porridge and a cup of fresh coffee ā I went back to bed for a few hours. Lydia was also happy to rest.
Itās unusual for me, these days, to do this. I do generally need to go to bed early and get up late when I can, but this morning itās fair to say that I felt a pull into dark at a deep level and decided to rest. I have enough positive activity built into my week generally to be able to give in to that inward pull occasionally, and today I needed to just be with it.
Yesterday I missed both yoga and Qigong as I had to get my car fixed. I think this may have played no small part in how I feel today. However, after a couple of hours resting, I get up, brush my hair, put on some make up, give Lydia some fuss, open the back door so that she can enjoy the fresh air, and start writing.
Writing is helping me to process, just like other things are. Iām visiting M in her care home this afternoon and we should be able to go outside into the garden as we usually do on a fine day. I enjoy reading to her; short stories from a magazine. She usually dozes off when I do, which I take as no reflection on my reading style, just a sign that she is relaxed and comfortable in my company. I hope so.
Before heading out I remember to meditate. I donāt have to sit cross-legged ā thank goodness, because I couldnāt ā but adopt a comfortable seated upright posture and focus on my breath. Fresh air coming through the back door helps.
These were words spoken to me this morning when I picked Lydia up from the kennels where sheād been staying over the weekend.
Iāve always thought this myself, because she is.
We had a good walk together, before I took her home, and sheās enjoyed much of the day outside in the yard, in what is warm and rather windy weather.
After a two-week break I resumed my usual āMental Health Mondayā activities this afternoon: yoga followed by Qigong.
So, Iāve had two-and-a-half hours of concentrated activity for health and wellbeing with the added benefit ā for brief periods ā of being a tiger, a dog, a cat, a tree, a warrior and a dragon.
I donāt feel a need to compare and say which of these Iāve preferred being, but I did like the dragon movements.
I can now relax into a mellow evening knowing that I have given important attention to my musculoskeletal system as well as my mind and spirit. I think my girl with the beautiful soul is quite relaxed too; still in the back yard; still enjoying the warm and windy weather.
After a long day at the Show, Iām enjoying a large g&t and reflecting on the list from yesterdayās post. My focus is on āLet ourselves be heldā.
Iām not sure if this means emotionally, psychologically, spiritually or physically. Probably any or all four or a combination.
Iām not good at letting myself be held, and neither is Lydia.
She now lets me give her massages (the ārub-a-dub-dubā massages Iāve referred to in previous posts) but she still doesn’t let me fully āholdā her when weāre out walking, in terms of believing that I will keep her safe. Sheās been too badly traumatised in the past.
Iāve had to be so self-reliant for much of my life that I will always fall back on myself too. I donāt think thatās necessarily a bad thing, but historically Iāve tended to look out for others, while at the same time my own needs werenāt being met. Thatās not because Iām a selfless saint, but it is because I really donāt want anyone to have to go through what Iāve been through in my life if there is anything I can do to help them not to. I just donāt like that level of waste.
Looking again at the list, Iām drawn to ānourish our sensesā.
My senses feel jaded, as if nothing is fresh and invigorating any more. This is where Lydia comes in to help, as I do find our walks together on a morning have a stimulating effect on my senses, even if itās still at a low level of intensity.
Iām certainly much more open to āimperfectionā than I used to be. I can still be a bit obsessive about details, but more able to let things go.
I can only ādo one thing at a timeā these days, and very slowly, so Iām doing OK there.
Iām not always great at being able to āask for helpā although at least I know now that help can be sought out. In the first half of my life, I had no idea that such a thing might be available, never mind what form it could take.
āExpressing emotionsā is complicated, I find. Iāll keep trying to work that one out.
I do ācreate daily rituals and routinesā although I tend to need to be flexible on timings and interpret this very broadly.
It may be a while yet before Lydia and I are both as relaxed as we need to be, but weāre working ā and resting ā on it.
The fact that my partner has just made a delicious meal while Iāve been resting helps enormously.
Glad About 
You must be logged in to post a comment.